Philophobia: How to overcome

First of all, when talking about therapy you want to go to a real professional: either a certified psychologist, psychiatrist or a therapist. Forget about all those "faith based" alternatives. Mostly they are just utter BS.

The problem in the Philippines and most other developing countries is that the field is very unregulated and there are a lot of shady people who claim to be professionals without actual credible degree. I recommend you google "finding and choosing a therapist". If you have the money, I recommend going to a clinic or hospital. Most bigger ones have psychologist or psychiatrist working for them and they are likely to know the professionals in your area. The downside is obviously the cost.

 

In my opinion they are not real pros if they keep stuffing god everywhere. Besides, how the f*ck would they know what God wants or expects?

If I had to take a guess, I would say your problems stem from your relationship to your parents in your (early) childhood. Perhaps your parents did not have so much time for you or perhaps you were excessively and arbitrarily punished (eg you were too loud or your parents punished you for something that is beyond your control).

Mentally unstable is probably a wrong word. Emotionally unstable might be better. When I first time went to a psychologist and asked her opinion about my problems she explained me this. There are 3 levels of mental problems which exist on 3 different dimension and the severity of them is on a spectrum. Everyone displays some properties from each dimension but normal people don't display them strongly.

The first dimension is neurotic behavior. If you know the TV-series "Monk" he is the very text book example of neurotic behavior. OCD also falls to this group. It is considered that this first dimension is the easiest to cure and the problems are not so severe although they might be highly visible.

The second dimension is emotional stability. In this class problems are related to one's emotions. Extreme problems in this category are for example narcissism and anti-social personality disorder. Milder problems are borderline personality disorder and emotional insecurity.

The third dimension's name I cannot remember but it basically includes the conditions where person's perception of reality is severely distorted. Hallucinations, paranoia and extreme distrust are characteristic of disorders in this dimension.

If I had to take a guess, I would say that your problem lies somewhere in the second dimension. The severity I cannot tell but definitely not very mild. It is often common that the problems start in first dimension and progress through the second and third dimensions depending on the surrounding environment. Do you exhibit or did you exhibit at some point in your life OCD symptoms such as having compulsive habits or manners? Like washing your hands ritualistically or having other non-religious rituals?

 

Stop with the negativity! That's not going to help you at all. I was once in your position, and no doubt that I still am to some degree.

What I did is focus on myself. If I were to live alone for the rest of my life, I would need a job, a house, etc. My therapist told me something quite enlightening. She said that there needs to be a good balance between "me" time and "we" time. If your focusing everything you have on that person, what about you? What about your career? Friends? Family? What do you do on your spare time?

What I'm saying is, keep yourself busy. Generally, I don't think people want to live on their own for the rest of their life. They want to share their life with someone, and be there for each other when they need it, because that's what people do when they love each other.

Also, DEEP BREATHING. You sound quite anxious. When you wake up the next day, take it a a day at a time. DO NOT thinking about what if this happens or what if that happens. But with that said, plan. What are your goals in life?

Shift your focus, that's the best advice I can give. You're cute, you'll find someone someday (or maybe someone will find YOU).

 

I kinda get you on this philophobia thing. Sometimes, i'm too afraid to have a crush on someone, because what if they say something or do something that just tirns me off? I've had a lot fake friends before and it hurts. I had a friend in elementary school who got dates by this guy for 5 dollars! (No really, this actually happened.) she's still upset, and this was in sixth or seventh grade mabye. I don't want to end up like her, and i also don't want to judge people straight away, right after meeting them. What am i to do? I'm just about as clueless as you, but i don't want this, so called phobia in my life no more, it's unhealthy. So yeah, i totally get you on this. Sorry if couldn't give much advice, just had to get stuff out of my chest.

 

If everyone else tells you are an OCD case then most likely you are. Also the organization and requiring a week's preparation for seeing a movie in a cinema are clear and rather severe OCD symptoms. I'm very much the opposite of you when it comes to planning free time. I prefer doing things on a very short notice (sometimes we decide we go do something with a 30min notice and do it). Also, I got a couple of friends with whom we are so close that we might just call to each other and ask if we want to hang out at either of us house. Then go to the agreed place and we might hangout the entire week end together and not leaving until Monday morning.

The good news is that this OCD symptoms are relatively easy to fix in a therapy and sometimes even on your own. Though it requires some effort and motivation from your part.

You see, OCD behavior is actually a coping mechanism against feeling of not being in control of one's life. OCD symptoms create illusion of control which relieves your anxiety. If you address the sources of that insecurity and not being in control of your life the OCD things often drop out on their own or with very little effort.

I got rid of my OCD symptoms on my own and they are 99% gone. (I think I still wash my hands more often than an average person but it's well within the bounds of normalcy. However, my emotional stability problems still remain and I need to go to therapy to address them. I suspect it's the same case for you. You might be able to drop off the OCD symptoms but you would still be left with your emotional issues.

Let's address your emotional issues next. From your previous posts I gather you feel that you are somewhat effeminate or at least display classical effeminate behavior. Was this something your parents said to you when you grew up? Was your childhood secure?

 

Broken family is then the most likely source for your emotional problems. I gather it was very traumatic for your mother too and I would not be surprised even if the family dynamics were broken even before your father abandoned your family.

You seek approval and love from others through pleasing others. This has distanced yourself from your inner self. Taking time for yourself and processing these things is good start but ultimately I think you probably should go to therapy. In everyone's mind there are areas that are hidden from us and we need someone else to point those things to us or help us to discover them.

 

I stand corrected. Now that I looked up OCD it seems that I have misused the word. What Chip said about OCD is absolutely correct.

In stead of OCD I meant neurotic ritualistic behavior which causes are in the environment. (I don't know how those are called in English.) Typically feeling of lack of control of one's surroundings causes such symptoms and this is not OCD. For example prisoners put into solitary confinement for prolonged periods of time with no meaningful stimuli often develop such behavior. Once returned to normal surroundings the symptoms typically subside. I'm not a medical professional and I have only very superficial knowledge of this area so it's easy to misuse terms.

Thanks for Chip for correcting.

 

I have problems with anxiety and self worth that come from an abuseive childhood. One self help tool that I've found that was effective for me was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The basics of how it works is challenging your thoughts to see if they are rational, and if they are not, trying to replace those thoughts with believable alternative thoughts. There is a CBT app for android that I like that is made by the lady who runs ExcelAtLife.com. Therapy is very good and I have been there, if you can get some I recommend the experience.