First love

Sounds to me that you have rather severe emotional issues. You mentioned you have been cutting yourself. Now, have you seen a professional helper with your issues? A psychiatrist or a psychologist?

The thing is that your cutting and your obsession with this guy are connected. This guy represents you something that you subconsciously feel you never had and now fear you will never again experience.

So, find a psychologist or a psychiatrist who you could discuss this if you haven't done so yet.

 

I think you are looking this thing from the wrong angle. For some reason people tend to think that it's the friend's and family that you should confine and trust in anything. I disagree. There are things that are just not a good idea to share with close ones no matter how understanding and accepting they are. Because even if they accept and support you:
1) It is bound to affect the relationship especially if it creates imbalances. Would you be comfortable telling a friend something that might socially destroy you if it became public knowledge? If your friend cannot share a secret of similar magnitude there is a huge imbalance.
2) Because they are your friends they cannot be objective or give objective advice. And even if they were they might not tell you the truth out of fearing it might hurt you. Finally, some people just give crappy advice despite the fact that they might be great friends to you.

The fact that a qualified psychologist is a stranger is in fact a great asset and even you have acknowledged that by coming here to talk about your problems with complete strangers. Because the therapist is a stranger he is not emotionally invested in you and you are not emotionally invested in them. A true professional does not care how embarrassing or weird things you tell them. Actually most likely they may even find that professionally interesting. Also the fact that they don't not know anyone from your friends and that they are bound by confidentiality gives confidence that your secrets will stay secret.

If it helps, think seeing a psychologist as a transaction. You are the customer who pays to get help. They are the service provider, not an other human. It's their job to help you but it's your job to introduce and give him material to work with. Don't try to please or impress the therapist. That is counter-productive. You don't have to tell everything in the first session and you can wait revealing some things later into the therapy. However, usually the quicker and more honest you are helps you faster. It tends to be so that the most painful things to share are also the most important things to share with the therapist. In the first session you could mention that you have some painful issues X that you hope to discuss in a later session and you could ask the therapist to ask about them a few session forward if you haven't brought them up yourself.

Finally, if you are not happy with your patient-therapist relationship and working dynamics, change the therapist. People have different ways of working and this applies to therapy too. If you don't feel comfortable with one therapist, then tell them and change the therapist. A qualified professional will not feel offended or bad about you not wanting to work with them. This is normal and acceptable.

Now tell me, do you still feel you cannot open up about your problems to a therapist?

 

I understand completely. First, understand that there is hope. You are a very caring and loving person, and that's the best kind of person there is, when it comes to relationships. You will find that there are others who see these qualities in you, and appreciate you for them, and they'll fall in love with you, and if only you open your heart to them, you'll end up seeing how their love can heal you, and you can end up falling in love with them, too.

Secondly, it can be very hard getting over your first love, no lie. Especially someone like this, someone who changed your life so radically, who saved you from so much - you come to love them not just for who they are, but for what they have done to you; that in and of itself is neither bad nor unhealthy, but for someone who has been so emotionally deprived, who might've struggled with emotional negligence and cruelty in the past, it can lead to unhealthy things, if you're not careful. You might be struggling to hold on to the person you once saw them as, as a sort of savior figure, perhaps almost an angel - in some sense, you're stuck seeing that person in the idealized form you saw them as when you first met and fell for them. Those feelings weren't uncouth in their own time, but now, it's time to move on from them: you need to take off your training wheels and risk a little fall, allow yourself to see how both you and they have changed. Cherish who they were to you in the past, but appreciate who they are to you now.

This particular person seems to have been very, very pivotal in your life, once, for a good cause. Now, they no longer change your life, and they seem not even to be very beneficial for you, even in memory. Realize that what you found with him is not lost: the changes he made in your life remain still, and you are a different person for the way he opened your eyes. But the feelings that you had for him may no longer apply to him any more - he is a different person now, and struggling to cling on to a past figure which you may still project those feelings onto no longer exists - at least not in the person of your friend. Instead, open your eyes as he first opened them for you: look around, and see that those feelings wait for you still, in the figures of other people, people who will be kind to you, as he was, who you will trust, as you trusted him; people with new quirks and interests and loves and tastes, that will be perfectly new and fascinating to you, that you will love as you loved the things about him. What you cling to, in fact, is not him, for he is not the same; it is the feelings of love that you had for him, that you will certainly have again - and in a much happier context, this time. It's love that you're afraid to lose, and love that you are sure to find again. Once you accept that, I believe you will be able to move on, with care and peace and grace. Wait for the one who truly loves you, and in the meantime come to love yourself, for you have many enviable qualities that shall eventually shine through.

May you find what you seek, and be happy.

 

Meet one when you are ready. It took me also for a long time and falling emotionally pretty low before I built up the courage to see one. What you could do is to think actively about your fears of opening up to a psychologist. If you do this you may overtime notice that your fears will subside. Also, I'm sure there are helplines in your country where you could talk anonymously to someone who listens to your problems. That could be a first step in building the courage to see a therapist. Go when you feel you are ready.

Well, not really. I mean if you have ever used any human provided services then you have already "de-humanized" the service provider. Do you try to make friends with the sales clerk in your local super market or with the mail man? Probably not.

I highlight the transaction side of therapy because often people think that the therapist is kind of a friend which they are not. You will build a relationship to your therapist but the relationship is nothing like anything you have had before. It's not love or friendship yet it's still emotionally very intense. It's very possible that your therapist will at some point feel like the most important person in your life and yet you will not interact with them outside the therapy sessions.

 

Well, is a farmer a person who makes money out of your hunger or a doctor a person who makes money from your illness? Most likely the therapist is in his profession because he is compassionate and wants to help people. There is nothing wrong with liking your job, you know.

I'm not saying that you should completely dehumanize a therapist. They are just humans just like you and me and they are not infallible. However, the most common mistake for people to do in their therapy is to assume that the therapist is your friend. That is not the case and becoming friends with your therapist is counter-productive to you getting better.

As a matter of fact it is. I wanted to actually use name "e" (as the base of natural logarithm) but that was too short to be acceptable so I settled for it's discoverer. For some reason I'm semi-obsessed with the number e.:lol: