Okay, just to set the scene, I go to a school with a small year. Our days are from about 8 until 6 but a lot of that is free studying time although we can't leave school. And we have two study rooms where we each have a desk and shelves and it's practically a second bedroom. We spend so much time in them its like a little family. So now you've got that... There's this one girl in my study room who I have a lot of the same free study periods with. I'm not that close to her... mostly because I don't know what to do with myself in her presence. She is beautiful, with ridiculously long wavy hair that has been described by one of my friends as "the hair of a greek goddess", and there is not a soul who is not amazed by it. She's very smart and such an English nerd she seriously once offered to read poetry to me which was... your crush reading poetry to you?... it's like a movie omg (I meant to say something profound afterwards but I couldn't speak). And she is actually super sweet she compliments my hair, and says it's "suave" when I wear ties... And she's bi. Anyway, you can probably imagine the effect she has on me from that. I get way too caught up in what she's doing, stare (not too obviosuly I hope) but can't always speak and I always wait for her whenever we may be going in the same direction no matter how badly it inconveniences me. I let myself be 10 minutes late for a class taught by the head of year today because I wanted to walk with her. Anyway... I've never had such an obsessive crush before, and I just feel like it's starting to get unhealthy. I get jealous of anyone she shows affection to and the fact that I always fail so much around her when I actually just really want to talk to her is frustrating me so bad. The problem is I literally can't get away from her (because of the situation described in the first paragrah - I would have to relinquish my place in the study and avoid most of my year group and friends too), so of course I can't calm down about it. And I can't bring myself to say anything about this because I won't be able to avoid her in the case of a negative outcome... and I would have to come out to her too... an she is super cagey about her bisexuality too so I'd have to admit that I know about that without freaking her out... I just don't think we're close enough for that conversation... And I'm just a fail at talking about feelings anyway... It's all rather annoying. I have absolutely zero experience to draw on... I've had small crushes before but they always seemed fun, this is like a turbulent mix of awesome and exciting and heart-crushing and draining. And I've never been stuck with them so definitely that I couldn't get away from it. Neither have I ever had an inkling of a chance, which I probably still don't now but before people actually thought I was a complete loser. Plus in these last couple of years I've had some periods of (mildish) depression and this longing just keeps trying to pull me down. I have tried to be really focused on work but... the moment I burn myself out she's just there... What the hell do I do?
Another thing to add here btw is that she's my first actually acknowledged female crush so my mind is placing far too much importance on her just for that reason alone, I think.
I can see how you’re in tough spot. I experienced similar anxiety during my first semester of college when I had to live in close quarters dorms amongst all sorts of attractive guys from all of the country. I had massive anxiety, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t sleep well, I had trouble studying, I would freeze up whenever I had to speak to someone, and on and on. It was a nightmare – especially since I was at the same time trying my darnest to convince myself I wasn’t gay. So what can you do? It sounds like you have an obsession and you need to figure out a way to either let it go or to at least take enough pressure out of it so that you can relax more. You’ve mentioned that you’d rather not come right out and tell her that you’re bi for fear of a negative reaction. At the same time, I’m sure there’s another side of you that would like nothing more than to tell her you’re bi – especially given that you believe she is also bi and you like her. Your anxiety is the result of the war these two sides of yourself is having. What if you compromise with a middle ground solution? Can you find a way to discreetly hint at the fact that you could be bi, rather than coming right out and saying it? If she likes you, she’ll follow the hint to its logical conclusion. If she isn’t interested, she won’t dig any deeper – and you can save face since you never came out and told her. Just an idea. Hope things get better, whatever you end up doing.
