I have long suspected my father is a deeply closeted homosexual, I mean, he shows all the symptoms: Overly religious, firebrand churchgoer Republican, neoconservative at times Avoidance of all things gay-related Homophobic sense of humor/gaybashing Acts disgusted whenever he sees male nudity Once he starts talking about gay stuff he won't shut up My friends seem to agree they think he's gay Everyone of my friends who meets him later says to me: "You know your Dad's gay, right? Also, he was molested by a gang of men as a kid, I don't know if that has anything to do with it. ...I've often wondered if he married my Mom and the woman he married long after her to suppress his sexuality? I can't just straight out ask him, and I'm certainly not about to come out of the closet to him, even if he is a fellow gay man, he's still my father and I tend to put my parents on a pedestal, I think that's something we all do to a degree. I'm not sure what I should do with this information, it troubles me on a cellular level that my father went through what I went through for ten years but for him it lasted a lifetime. He's married to a biological woman, he was married to a biological woman long before that, he had a relationship with another biological woman sometime in between the two that fell through... I don't like to think of my Dad suffering, in church, on his knees crying out to God "Please, Lord, lift this curse from me," the way I did-- but for him it must be something he's been doing for over forty years... What should I do?
Nothing? I mean, if you chose to be quiet about it, I can't see any other option to help him. He's your dad. You are 28 years old. You have all the means to talk to him man-to-man.
You clearly don't know my Dad. He's a strange man, I'm a lot like him, but he's a brick wall when it comes to things like this. I have no way to confirm or deny that he is gay but I can't just sit him down and ask him about it without leading into that sort of conversation gently. Like this one time he kept talking about the "hanky code," which, if you don't know what it is, just... Google it, but I forget what we were talking about and all of a sudden he started going on about how his friends in high school used the hanky code (it's an outdated gay thing) and then I just got really quiet and he said "Yeah, you know I could have participated ( !!! ) but I don't think that would have been a very good idea." Like, it was subtle, but there was something behind it, clearly. I'm not really sure, it's very hard to get a read on him. I don't want to alarm the guy, he's busy enough as it is, and he's got a lot to deal with other than maybe being gay so I don't want to just barge down his closet door and be like "DAD, ARE YOU GAY?" With the gay cavalry circling behind me in helicopters and tanks and stuff. It's a touchy subject.
Hmmm.. but again, how will you help with if you can't sit this out with him? It's like the same as coming out regardless of age. If your dad chose the closet life, then there's nothing you can do about it but wait if there will come a time that he'll be comfortable coming out. If there's still such a time.
Since when is being religious or republican being a symptom of being gay? Can't you think any other reasons why someone would be a republican or religious? The rest of the signs are by no means conclusive AND if your father was (sexually?) molested by a gang of men as kid it's no wonder he has negative feelings towards gays. For your father those guys were first and foremost gays rather than child molesters which would be the correct tag. Think of it how women rape victims often feel irrational fear of all men after their attack. I don't see that there is anything particular you should do. If you wish to get to know your dad better you can try talk to him and build trust overtime and perhaps he wishes to talk about his life and the significance of this abuse had to him. However, don't expect him to come out as in my opinion there is no evidence that he is gay. Why do your friends think he is?
I don't really know. For all I know, he's going to go gay bars and sex clubs behind his wife's back, or worse yet, she knows about it and has taken some oath of silence. The only person I could really ask is my Dad's mother, my grandmother, who has to have some knowledge of the situation. The problem is, she's ultraconservative. I remember when Obama got elected, and the inauguration was on she said something like "You give [N-word, plural, referring to black people] an inch, they take a mile." So I can only assume that her thoughts on homosexuality are even tighter. She might know something, though, but I don't really talk to her that much and I have no idea how I'd start that conversation. I suppose I could find a way to contact my one cousin, who is gay and grew up with my Dad, he might know something. The problem with him is that he's an alcoholic (not a violent one, he's just fun-drunk all the time) and he's wasted 24/7 so I wouldn't be able to approach him normally either. Unless I offer him booze, maybe. Well, I mean, look at Marco Rubio and all those televangelists who got caught having sex with men. But in my Dad's case, his church hands out pamphlets providing support for people "suffering from same sex attraction," whether it's male on male or female on female, they have all sorts of literature about how to pray the gay away. As for being Republican, like I said, look at what happened with Marco Rubio, he was a gay pimp. It's about trying to change your image, I think. I suppose so, I don't know the details behind the attack. It's obviously a touchy subject to him so I don't ask. I'm not sure, they all say he presents himself like every gay man they know. And my friends know a lot of gay people, I grew up very sheltered so I don't know what to look for, but on the West side of my town is where the gay people are and we're (me and my friends) all from West side. I wasn't really allowed to go out and play as a kid, but my friends were all exposed to that kind of stuff at a young age so I can only assume they know what they're talking about.
Now, that's what you call ultraconservative! I can only imagine your dilemma. This is not an ideal place or situation to be "Gay/Bi" I hope you're doing well for your own issues.
Well, it's unfortunate that conservatism and racism have somehow become fused, but that's another story. As for me, I'm doing fine. I'm getting myself sorted out, more or less, but the thought has occurred to me multiple times that if my own father is suffering the way I suffered that that isn't good at all. It's a suffering I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Well, maybe my worst enemy, but again, another story. My Dad displays these strange behaviors now and again, sometimes when he's drunk he'll let out a comment that to me implies he's either inclined to gay behavior or has engaged in gay behavior in the past. Every now and then it just slips out, sober or otherwise-- I keep a tight lid on my lips about my gay habits, but my Dad seems to let his leak out from time to time and I don't know why, or if I'm reading it wrong and he's just trying to be funny or weird. He has a strange sense of humor, but I can't tell if he's joking, sometimes. It worries me, and now that I've been able to face myself as a homosexual, it hurts me deeply to think my Dad is going through the same thing, or has been going through the same thing since he was very young. I'm sorry if I'm talking in circles, I just woke up an hour ago and haven't gotten my fill of coffee, yet.
No, you sound totally fine, my dear friend. But then again, you can't let yourself worry over your father that much as you haven't really gotten the facts, yet. And also the fact that you can't help someone who doesn't want to get any help.
I know where to get the facts, I just don't know how to go about getting them. It's a very touchy subject in my family and it's not something I can just bring up in conversation with my Dad or his mother. Part of me thinks he may have already sought help for his issues years ago, but I don't know if he ever really resolved anything. I've never been a big believer in psychotherapy as there's medicines available to treat psychological illnesses, but that's besides the point. Lately my Dad seems obsessed with gay culture-- and what's weirder is that it's not in a negative way. A week ago he was talking about how much he admired Marco Rubio because he lived up to the fact that he used to be a gay pimp. I'm honestly a bit boggled by all of this, which is why I come here about this. I did ask my brother about my Dad's... issues and he simply said "It doesn't seem to be that big of a deal any more, but I don't know."
