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Getting Over a Friend While Maintaining the Friendship - advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by yellow2002, Jan 29, 2016.

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  1. yellow2002

    yellow2002
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    I've shared before about a queer friend I'm deeply attracted to but I never got the nerve to make a move. She's so confusing to me that I'd rather keep her as a friend but I am soooo into her it's making me feel ridiculous. I literally think about her all the time and it seems like she's getting more and more amazing the more I see her flaws (which I have tried to use to stop myself from liking her, but it backfired).

    To make it worse, she has recently been saying she loves me a lot but something has happened in my life that may cause me to move away and I sense her panic. She has said she would be extremely sad if I left... She keeps saying it's not the same without me when our mutual friends hang out and I'm not there and she sounds so sad sometimes (i've been away a few days).

    All this and all the usual suspects of flirting like touching, looking at me from across the room to catch my eye during group conversation, all of inside jokes, grade school teasing, cuddling, deep concern and interest in me, complimenting me always (which I get real awkward about) and she sometimes just looks at me and smiles, but I'll call her out for it and she gets flustered and we laugh it off...uuuuggghhhh....

    You see?

    I need to get over her. I'm currently away, I haven't heard from her in two days, but we only sometimes text so there is a lot of distance but it doesn't stop what I'm feeling. I miss her a lot and she misses me too. I don't know what to do. I want her in my life, but I'm dying to have her and I can't.

    So how do i stop these feelings? Can I set boundaries with her to protect myself?
     
    #1 yellow2002, Jan 29, 2016
  2. omgwhatishappen

    omgwhatishappen
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    First off, what an amazing post. I totally feel for you, and can sympathize tremendously with what you're going through.

    Regarding the first question: "So how do I stop these feelings?"
    I don't think you can 'stop' the feelings, but you can put yourself in a position to keep you and your friend in a healthy dynamic.

    Regarding the first question: "Can I set boundaries with her to protect myself?"
    In my opinion, boundaries work best when they apply to yourself. It is very EASY to SET boundaries with other people, but the tricky part is KEEPING or REINFORCING those boundaries when they are stepped over. So, instead of focusing exclusively on her, you may want to begin by asking yourself what is healthy behavior for you in this relationship?

    For example: if you want to remain friends and stay healthy, is cuddling an appropriate activity? What about hanging out late at night? What about late-night texting? Is this a person that you can hang out with 1-on-1 now?

    In my opinion, pretty much all the boundary work will have to come from within. You will be the one who will have to make the tough decisions, and then to follow up those decisions with diligent action and restraint.

    This is a really difficult task for anyone, especially when emotions run so high. Give yourself the time, patience, and gentleness to recognize what is healthy and what is not. If you mess up, overstep a boundary, or do not reinforce a boundary, then use it as a learning experience. Ultimately, any failures to uphold a healthy boundary will cause you the most pain, so do your best to 'protect' yourself and remain healthy.

    Creating and keeping boundaries is a skill that are instrumental to your happiness, and you will need them the rest of your life.

    Other tips: Be consistent and diligent. If you aren't sure about something, you can always say that you're not sure or you're not comfortable or you need more time to think. You can always change your mind if you impulsively agree to do something you later recognize is not healthy. Saying "No" is totally okay. People end up respecting other people who keep healthy boundaries.

    I hope this helps.

    xoxo,
    Trevor
     
    #2 omgwhatishappen, Jan 29, 2016
  3. yellow2002

    yellow2002
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    Ugh...trevor, my life.

    I was afraid you would mention internal boundaries... I'm so weak! lol

    She's so loving and affection and sensitive and needs to be held... I'm not that way, unless I'm with her. It's hard because I love holding her/being held by her. I think, regardless of how she feels about me, me not accepting/giving affection would cause her to question why.

    I can't tell her how I feel.

    She always wants to hang out one on one and teases that we're sneaking around. I don't mind us hanging out in a group but our friends are so much that it's not easy to talk to each other. We're a loud group. I guess i can at least start with that? But if she hits me up to hang out, should I say no or just invite others to join us?
     
    #3 yellow2002, Jan 29, 2016
  4. Cort

    Cort
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    Why not?

    It sounds like she's told you how she feels in multiple ways, some more direct than others:

    Given what you've said, it sounds like she may well be just as attracted to you as you are to her. You two enjoy being around each other, like teasing each other, are obsessed with each other.

    Telling her you have a crush on her likely wouldn't come as a shock to her. Why not make it official? Why not try having a real relationship instead of dancing around the issue as you have been?

    If you aren't as interested in her as she seems to be in you, it would make sense to me to start pulling back a bit. You don't want to lead her on - it isn't fair to either of you.

    Just my two cents.
     
    #4 Cort, Jan 29, 2016
  5. confusedbubble

    confusedbubble
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    I agree with cort go for it
     
    #5 confusedbubble, Jan 29, 2016
  6. bookreader

    bookreader
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    Go for it. Give this girl a chance. If it doesn't work out, you can get over her.
     
    #6 bookreader, Jan 29, 2016
  7. yellow2002

    yellow2002
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    I cannot just feel confident that this isn't just friendship thing. Do friends do this? Lol she's such a unique person. I've never met anyone like her so I'm perplexed.
     
    #7 yellow2002, Jan 29, 2016
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