How to get over it? - Ex gf & straight friend mess

I have not been in a situation completely similar to this. It sounds like you were probably in love with your best friend the entire time, but they were unavailable romantically (at first), so you had a relationship with someone else -- which perhaps sounds more sexual than emotional? I don't know. Only you know that.

I think that holding someone and telling them you love them, which isn't an instant emotion, can definitely be considered cheating. I imagine you were "emotionally" cheating for much of your relationship with your straight friend, as love is something that's built over time. Lust is instant, which can bring on infatuation, but it sounds like you were extremely close with your "straight" friend, which is where the emotional cheating comes in.

I think breaking up was the right thing to do. You don't sound into this girl, even if you were in a 4 year relationship. I was in a relationship that almost went on for 4 years, which was also long distance, and I realized shortly after it ended that I never really loved them. At all. I mean, sometimes I sit and wonder why I was even in a relationship with them. We had great conversations. They were like my best friend. We had good sex - sometimes great, but there was always something missing. It's why I'll never do long distance again. I don't think you truly know who the person is, and get a chance to fall in love with the actual them -- but a preconceived notion of who they are through talking all the time, and interacting some of the time. I've found that, for me, it's not enough, and it's not organic enough to be truly fulfilling. Why was I dating them? I feel like it could have been me escaping from one relationship to another. Having an excuse for not falling in love with, or getting too close to anyone around me for some kind of subconscious reason at the time. Maybe some of that will ring true for you, and you can find a connection.

To say if your friend is "straight" or not. No one knows. Maybe not even her. Sexuality is fluid. She could have liked being with you, liked having sex with you, and been attracted to you. She could have done it because you being attracted to her made her feel good, and you being her best friend made her feel safe. She could realize she's bi, Lesbian, Pansexual. She could have been experimenting and realized that even though she could have sex with you, she's more into romantic relationships with people of the opposite sex. There are many possibilities, some that may never be answered.

The only advice I can give is to talk to your best friend and see where she's at. How she feels, if she wants to be with you, etc. If not, you need to move on. I would advise not to go back to your ex at the moment, because your feelings for your best friend are very obviously very strong, and it's not right to play with other people's emotions because you're confused. Even if you don't feel like that's what you're doing, and have the best of intentions. I imagine your ex feels pretty betrayed, if she knows what happened. If I was in her place, I'd feel pretty used. Even if you weren't using her, you were in love with your best friend, which would mean that there were months of you pining for her while hanging out and being with her, and then you were physical. It sounds like you're overwhelmed with emotions for your best friend - who may or may not be straight. Think about taking some time for yourself to be single. If you're not that into your ex - don't be with her. If your best friend doesn't want to be with you romantically, and having sex has really strained your relationship, you need to move on.

One thing I can tell you I have experience in is sleeping with a best friend, pretty similar to what you and she went through. I was a lot younger, and unaware that I could be romantically and sexually attracted to women. My best friend at the time and I were extremely close. EXTREMELY. And one day while we were being dumb and fooling around, she said something along the lines of, "what if I told you that I was a lesbian and in love with you." And I was sitting on top of her, straddling her - just being dumb. I waved it off and told her that it would be nice but I really liked guys. It all seemed like a joke to me. Then, weeks later, we wound up sleeping together just to "try it." Like you, she did most of the work. I enjoyed myself, and we did this more than once, but after awhile it made me feel bad and I didn't want to. I didn't totally enjoy myself. This thing pretty much ruined our friendship, on my end. I slowly faded out of the relationship, and having had sex with her was my main reason for discomfort. A lot of it was that I didn't want other people to know, and felt ashamed that it happened. Cut to me being mid-twenties, falling in love with a woman, and I realized that my best friend was most likely a lesbian and in love with me. I felt horrible for her and for how flirty I always was with her. I was 15, and completely unaware that she was actually bi or lesbian or whatever (I know she is at least bi sexual now), so there's a slight excuse. Sometimes I've felt like reconnecting with her so I can have more lgbt friends, but I don't like her that way, and part of me feels like I could be a sore subject for her - just like my trigger crush is for me, so I avoid her. I know that's not a good or hopeful story, but this is what happens when friends sleep together, sometimes. And I guess I'm telling it to say, don't be completely heart broken (though that's nothing you can really help) if she's not interested in you, doesn't want anything further, and the relationship is broken. Sex is very intimate and it changes everything.

Good news is, you can take some time for yourself to re-coop, and find someone who fits the bill of both: someone you are as attracted to and love as much as your best friend who will also be your girlfriend.

You're 23? That's young. You've got time to settle down. The only thing you can do now is deal with all of these emotions. I hope this helped and wasn't too harsh. *hugs*

 

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about the both of them. You're still young, so maybe you should go out and have fun and not worry. You'll be able to get over them.