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crush talking to me about HER crush :/

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by deadbluebells, Jan 30, 2016.

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  1. deadbluebells

    deadbluebells
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    I've known this girl since early October and had developed a crush on her by late November. We're friends - we share a class, get coffee together at break, work in the library together and see each other outside school in a small group of other friends sometimes. We text a lot.

    She's had a crush on a boy for a while. At first I was like, whatever - he's just a crush, I'm the friend who she sees regularly and talks to, and I didn't mind that she probably doesn't like me romantically. Recently they've been getting closer though, and while he has a girlfriend, meaning im not worried about them getting together as such, I guess I just hate that she has this other person who she likes more than me? lol that sounds so possessive but I don't know how else to describe it.

    I need to get over her but how, when I see her every day? She's kind of flirtatious and sometimes jokes about us being married. She's asexual (im not entirely sure of her romantic orientation) and knows im bi. I need some space but she'll notice if I disappear, and I can't not talk to her in class (neither of us really talk to anyone else in that class) or stop responding to her texts.

    With some people telling them would be an option, but to be honest I think it would freak her out :/ not because im a girl, just because im her friend. I think she'd feel so embarrassed and awkward and I don't want her to feel weird around me? she's very sarcastic and while she totally understands people, I think she would be embarrassed by the sincerity of the conversation and not know how to deal with it. Plus because we're in the same friendship group, everyone else would probably find out or just notice something was a bit off.

    but I can't deal with it how it is at the moment either. I'm terrified someone will notice that I like her. I was acting so weirdly around her crush that she asked me straight out if I had a crush on HIM.

    how did I end up so invested in someone I had barely spoken to four months ago?

    thanks for any advice at all. I have no one I can really talk to about this.
     
    #1 deadbluebells, Jan 30, 2016
  2. bookreader

    bookreader
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    I mean, even though you guys see each other every day, every friend would need space. So if you distance yourself from her, she'll probably understand that you need space or you're busy.
     
    #2 bookreader, Jan 30, 2016
  3. Cort

    Cort
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    Regardless of the fact that you have a romantic crush on this girl, it’s completely normal to feel a sense of jealousy or possessiveness when a really good friend begins to show romantic interest in someone else. It can feel like that “someone else” is taking away your friend.

    This sense of jealousy is generally grounded in a scarcity mindset. It’s easy to feel possessive, attached, anxious, and panicked when you think that your friend’s attention and affection is a finite resource. Everything becomes a zero-sum game. Every ounce of attention the friend shows to someone else is perceived to be one less ounce of attention that is available for you.

    I think the key is to try to shift yourself into more of an abundance mindset. You can remain really great friends, regardless of whether or not she enters into a relationship with this boy. People generally don’t break off all of their friendships the minute they enter into a romantic relationship. There’s plenty of attention and time to go around.

    If you’re determined not to tell her that you have feelings for her, I would just sit back and let her explore this crush she has – and be there to support her, like any good friend would be. You don’t have to cut off all ties. It’s not a zero sum game.
     
    #3 Cort, Jan 30, 2016
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