So I'm not out to many people but I am out to this friend. So we were talking with a group of guys and the topic of gay guys comes up and on of them says that if he had a child that said he was gay he would beat him and then my friend agreed with him. I was just shocked by the statement and then I said, " You know being gay is not a choice" and the the guy responded with "Yea but it goes against basic biology and so I would probably still do" I just made an excuse to leave. About 10 minutes later I see my friend who agreed with the guy and he asked if I was offended with what he said and i said yes. He tried to 'clarify' his statement by saying "I wouldn't actually beat my child I would just kill myself....I just want a normal life" (his parents just went through a nasty divorce). I was so shocked, frustrated and lost for words I just left him there. About a week and half past and he still pretended as if that never happened and then eventually he asked me "have you finished processing what I said". I was still some what angry with him and he then said "you didn't understand what I meant....I would just be very upset if my child turned out gay". So i responded with "you don't have to deal with that shit. I and every other gay person has had to deal with mountains of shit everyday for have a predisposition and you as a parent should support your child instead of your selfish self because they will face prejudice and hate and they do not need it from their own parent". I left him there and we then carried on as normal as we had stuff to do with other people for the rest of the day who don't know about all this. After that he went abroad for a couple days and he hasn't been back yet. I'm still somewhat upset about what all went down but I'm trying to be the better person for the sake of our friendship as we both work closely together at a job that needs our help. Any thoughts?
Just because your friend agreed with what was said doesn't necessarily mean that he was sincere about it. Most people have a burning need to fit in - to be accepted by others. Your friend may have just agreed with what was said in order to be one with the group. "Going along to get along," if you will. The fact he came back to you after the group (and group pressure) was out of the picture to downplay the comment he had agreed with would seem to further support the notion that he only said it to fit in: Granted - his "clarification" still sounds bad. But again, that may not be his sincere belief. He may have simply cornered himself. He agreed to a comment in the face of peer pressure, and now he can't take it back without being perceived by you as a liar - as someone who does or says anything to fit in. He's stuck now. You could try giving him an out of some sort. For example: "Hey, I know how much pressure there is to fit in - I've experienced the exact same pressure many times before. It's easy to do or say hurtful things if it means fitting in. I get it. But I want you to be completely honest with me - did you mean it?" If he says yes, you need to ask yourself the question: "Is this someone I want to associate myself with? Is this person a healthy influence on me?"
I mean I could see where you are coming from with him giving into a peer pressure but where we were we are the leaders of these younger guys and we are supossed to set an example (It was meeting for our club). He knows i shut down homophobia right away because: 1) it offends me 2) I see it as just as bad as racism (btw nobody else there knows I'm gay)
