the "straight" bestfriend dilemma . please help

Sounds like he's bi, or confused, or curious but I am really no expert. It sounds quite intense, and close, and maybe like he was hoping something might happen, but he didn't want to be too obvious/initiate. Of course, trips like that do sort of speed up intimacy and I've had a similar thing myself.

When you sent the 'only joking' message, and he didn't respond as usual and then mentioned this girl date - I wondered if he was hurt and putting distance between you; maybe he saw this as something more and your text has made it look like it's a joke to you.

On the other hand it could be that your cuddle comment made him reassess what has happened between you and he got concerned you were into him, and he isn't in to you. BUT then he followed it up with 'share a bed' etc.

Overall it sounds to me like he's interested, I hope he is. Can you see him any earlier, or invite him to see you? Be cautious though as it doesn't sounds like he's out.

 

Wow. That was quite a story and quite frankly I don't know what to think of it.

First thing that strikes me is that things seemed to escalate pretty quickly. I mean after just a few weeks you are BFF which is quite unusual. My personal experience is that the kind of behavior your friend displays is usually a sign of some sort of emotional problems. This is not an expert or scientific opinion but this is the case with all the people who became very close friends to me very quickly (n=5). Now if this is indeed the case with your friend then all the signs that he display could very well be explained away by this. Having said that about half of those friends have turned out to be gay by this day and the rest are still on my WTF-is-going-on -list.

Wait what, you said you cuddled in the morning? Was this the first time? Who initiated it and did he seem to be actively on board on that? To me there are only two options. Either he is closeted and into you or then he is just a straight guy who wants emotional and physical closeness and nothing more. Since he knows you are gay he might feel comfortable to do those things with you because he feels no fear of being labeled as gay and getting a hostile reaction.

I suggest you try to figure out his family background. If there is abuse, neglect or other emotional dysfunction that could suggest he just needs hugs. If there is nothing wrong in there then I would think he is probably in the closet. Ultimately you know for sure only if you ask him. If you are truly such good friends then this should not affect your relationship. It might not be the best idea to tell him you have feelings for him but you could tell him that for your emotional well-being it is important to know for sure is he interested in you or not. This way you could prevent forming emotions when he cannot be expected to reciprocate.

 

This must seem very confusing. From what you've described, I have a strong feeling that he is one of the many confused straight men who doesn't exactly know what he wants.

Typically, these guys will initiate intimacy and push the boundary but once it is reciprocated, they will recoil immediately, and then the cycle continues. Usually they are completely unaware of their actions. The fact that he didn't message you back after you joked about wanting to cuddle, and how he brought up women seems to me as typical overcompensation. I mean, sending you pictures of his penis and asking you to move in with him in the same bed is just ridiculous. He is even doing this knowing that you are gay.

Often times, these situations will lead to a confrontation, since neither one can really distance themselves. I know the intimacy you share is very powerful and addictive, but if you can, I'd suggest cooling it with him. It seems like he is pretty confused and pursuing him romantically would probably become an excruciatingly frustrating and painful experience. If you can't just let this go, then maybe you'd have to eventually confront him, ask him what's going on. He will most likely deny everything, but hopefully the conversations you will have with him will give you enough insight for you to move on, or there is always the hope that he will become more aware of his affections for you, but that seems quite unlikely.

I'm sorry to come across as if I know everything about this situation, because I clearly don't. I could be completely wrong in this particular case, but I'm just sharing with you my observations of a general case that's similar to yours.

 

Of course, it must be hard. I know you don't want to confront him, but if things go on like this, I think eventually there will come a point where you will feel the need to. He may be exploring his sexuality (although i wouldn't even call it that, because he's probably not even aware that this has anything to do with sexuality), but he is doing that at the expense of your emotions, and it will take a toll on you as it continues. I'm afraid one way or another, things will have to change in the future. The most drama free option is to distance yourself now, but I know that can be hard. Waiting until later until you explode can be very stressful as well. If he really is your best friend, then you two should be able to discuss this like adults, in my opinion. He should be mature enough to know that there are boundaries and his actions are definitely leading you on. I hope you can talk to him about it before this eats you up emotionally, but I know, easier said than done. Good luck.

 

What I have noticed over the years is it doesn't really matter what people say but how they say and frame it. Even nice things said in a wrong way or poorly framed can provoke huge fights and tears while not-so-nice things can be very well received when framed in a thoughtful way.

I don't actually think talking is the best way to approach as in a conversation people have only seconds to respond and if you catch them unprepared the result might be immature backslash. It could be better to write an email or letter. You could start the letter by telling him that he is an important and close friend and that for this reason you feel the need to clarify a few things with him. First ask him if he realizes that the kind of friendship you have is highly unusual and that in most cases this kind of relationship is indicative of romantic interest. Tell him that you don't think that his actions are anything but friendly although if he feels different he should tell you. Your feelings towards him now are friendly, however, since you are gay getting emotionally and physically close to another guy in a way that you guys now are for an extended period of time might cause you start feeling differently about him unless you know for sure that his actions are nothing but friendly. So to make sure that there is no mismatch of emotions and hopes you feel you need to have some answers about his behavior.

I think if you write him a letter you allow him some time to think about the response and when framed in this way you don't accuse him of anything but communicate to him the kind of problems his behavior might cause to you. Feel free to add concrete examples such as sharing a bed and other physical signs of affection.

 

I think Euler's template is great, and writing an email is probably better at this point than talking, especially since you two don't live in the same city. I think in the end of the email, I would also add that if he only feels friendly towards you, then his behavior has to correspond to it and heavy flirting has to stop on both sides.

 

I feel you, I'm sorry it seems like things like this always happens to you, but I think this happens to a lot of us and not just you. It's inevitable that some people become confused in this still homophobic society. I can see why you'd feel "finally", since he was so intimate with you, but when a real relationship happens, it's usually a lot more straight forward and smoother than this. You won't have to guess and play games and get hurt before even starting a relationship like this. If you can put your feelings for him aside and start spending time doing things you love and meeting new people, I think it would be the best. Feel free to let us know if you ever decide to write the email.

 

I don't know what to say, but I'm here if you want to talk.