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Her Parents Found Out and I Don't Know How to Help

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Isabel, Feb 1, 2016.

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  1. Isabel

    Isabel
    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    I got my first girlfriend a month ago. She's amazing. Unfortunately, there were two problems. I'm living across the ocean, 4943 miles away, for six months, and her parents are extremely homophobic.
    Yesterday, her mom found out. She read a plan that my girlfriend had been working on for me. She had been writing in a book every day, to send to me. That happened yesterday evening (for me, morning for her). I didn't hear from her for twenty hours. At school (she's sixteen, I'm almost fifteen), she borrowed one of our friend's phones and texted me all day.
    It's such a mess. She's not allowed to talk to me, I'm blocked on her phone and her school iPad. She doesn't have her car. She's not allowed to go anywhere except school and work. All of her friends are there for her, all of them, but they can't do much. I can't text her in school all the time, she needs to pay attention in class. I don't know what to do. I can't help her from this far away. There are 151 days until I get home.
    Her parents...they don't believe her. They don't believe that she's gay, they don't believe that she loves me. They yelled at her for a long time. I don't see how they can see how miserable she is, how sad they're making her, and don't do anything. I don't know what else they can do to her. I don't think they would send her to another school. Like, the Lutheran school or something. She wouldn't have anyone if that happened. At least she has all of her friends. Her parents say they will never change their views. My mom is really worried about her. She says she needs to talk to someone. There are adults at the school who would help her, somehow, but she's afraid she'll get in trouble if she tries to get help. I don't know what to do. In the meantime, I'll text her in school from a friend's phone, and she'll ask for more hours at work so she doesn't have to be at home as much.
    Please, if anyone has any advice, that would be amazing. Or if anyone has any more specific questions. I don't know everything, but I can ask her tomorrow at school. Thank you so much. DFTBA.
     
    #1 Isabel, Feb 1, 2016
  2. Cort

    Cort
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    I’m sorry to hear that this happened.

    I think you should take a pause for a moment and as the question: What can I control, and what can I not control?

    You can’t control:

    - What her parents things of homosexuals
    - What her parents think of her or you
    - How she feels about her parents’ reaction
    - What her parents do or don’t allow her to do
    - Where she goes to school
    - Whether or not she’s allowed to talk to you

    There’s a whole lot of stuff in this situation that you can’t control. Spending your time and emotional energy worrying about these things isn’t going to get you anywhere – it’s going to make you miserable.

    The only thing you can control is what YOU think, do, or say.

    Tell this girl how you feel. Tell her that she isn’t alone. Tell her that you’ll be there for her – regardless of an ocean in between you. Tell her that there is nothing wrong with her or your relationship. Tell her that all parents make mistakes – that they aren’t perfect. Tell her that she has the right to be who she is.

    If you can’t tell her these things due to communication channels being blocked, there are workarounds. You could relay your messages through a third person (and she could do the same).

    All you can do right now is provide boat-loads of reassurance, emotional support, and validation. Focus all your efforts on that, and the storm will pass.

    Odds are good that her parents are in shock. Given a little bit of time, they may not accept it, but they will likely loosen the restrictions. It’s hard to keep a child on that short of leash for a long period of time – especially at age 16.
     
    #2 Cort, Feb 1, 2016
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