How to get over my confusing feelings and salvage our friendship ?

Okay so I need to write this out because I am feeling so extremely frustrated with the situation I am currently in. (Sorry if this is long, makes no sense and is confusing but I guess that thread is pretty much a reflection of my current thoughts/brain aka all over the place, so sorry about that. :icon_redf )

I moved to a new country a couple months ago and met a girl, let's call her C.
C and I became friends the minute we met and pretty much have been the best of friends since then. We go on endless nights and day out together and so on.
From the very beginning people have been joking about us being/acting like a couple which I obviously brushed off as ridiculous because I was not interested in her that way and I was pretty sure that C was straight.
I did though notice that some weird thing was happening between us. She would ALWAYS joke about being my girlfriend or lesbian for the night and every time we would walk close for some reason we would always naturally end up holding hands ( which is something I never do even with my best friends as I am not that much of a touchy-feely person but with her it oddly felt natural). It has also became an habit that whenever we go out I sleep at her place and crash in her 1-person bed with her when her flat is often empty (as in her roommates are away and some rooms are free) and I could probably sleep wherever else in the flat. I personally had no problem with that since I often sleep with many of my female friends and it's fine but she has made it an habit to cuddle/spoon with me and fall asleep with her fingers intertwined with mine which with anyone else would make me freak out a bit but that's awkwardly not the case with her ?

Okay so at that stage it was all good fun and I was still convinced that she was straight and considered her more like a little sister than anything else especially since when I came out to her at the very beginning of our friendship she told me that one of her bi friend had fallen for her and that she had lost her as a friend because she didn't feel the same and the other girl couldn't handle it. (She didn't say that it was because she was straight but that was my assumption and I remember clearly smiling, thinking '' well that won't happen with me." I REALLY WASN'T INTO HER THAT WAY and now I am face-palming at the irony! >.<)

This confession made everything easy at first because it meant that she was straight and that everything that she would do would have no double meaning and that I didn't have to overthink anything as she simply wasn't into women.
All good and wonderful until one drunken night she confessed that '' She wasn't sure whether or not she was actually straight anymore, though she wasn't sure she could ever be with a woman, but that some women did catch her eye sometimes and that it left her confused." I laughed it off and basically told her that that was alright to be confused and that she would eventually figure it out on her own, but somehow that confession has changed everything dramatically between the two of us (well at least for me).
I can't seem to see her as a little sister anymore and I can't seem to stop over thinking everything she does/say now which make me almost wish that she didn't confess anything to me.
I am not sure what I feel for her either, a part of me feel like I don't actually like her that way but another part of me feel like I do actually have some kind of genuine crush on her ? I just don't know and it's extremely annoying as I have never been in a situation where I couldn't identify my feelings for someone.
I tried taking my distance with her as I went back to my host country right after the night she confessed for two weeks for the holidays and didn't see her for a month but we basically spent our whole days talking via text messages so it didn't really help.

We are actually closer than ever now and it really sucks. Sometimes she acts like she could be into me and actually flirts ( like today we were talking about tattoos, I commented that I liked the spot of a certain's girl tattoo as I found it a turn on and she said that it's where she wanted her tattoo done and would hers turn me on ? (with a smirky face emoji) I laughed and said that if she got it there she would have to keep it hidden from me and not wear shorts and she laughed saying that ''wearing shorts would be the first thing she would do then ! " and then the next second she'll tell me about all the boys in her life and send me their entire conversation and stuff.
It's extremely frustrating for me. Not so much the guy stuffs (though a little) but the fact that she openly flirts with me and have had since the beginning knowing full well that I was/am bi and that this can be extremely confusing for me. I guess I am unreasonable though as I didn't mind her behaviour until I started seeing her in a different light and I guess she haven't changed her habits but it still sucks.

I am not sure what I am after really as I am not even sure of what I feel, I am just in a massive fog of confusion and it's irritating me.
A part of me want to tell her in order to get it out of the way and of my chest, but I am pretty sure that I would then have to get space from her and breaks off all contact with her and I am not sure I can nor want to (do that) and I know for sure that it would destroy her as it would be a remake of what have happened with her former bi friend and she has had a hard time getting over it and I am definitely her main and closest friend right now.
The other option I guess is staying in this current situation but it's a bit of a hellish place and I am not sure exactly how long I'll be able to take it before it starts having a negative impact on me.

This situation is making feel terrible and I just wish my brain could stop seeing her that way or being confused and just go back to the way we were. And I simply don't know how to do it without getting some space from her and I can't do so without hurting her feelings nor telling her why I need it, so I am not sure what's the best thing to do, for me, her and to salvage our friendship. Any advice would be highly appreciated. :help:

 

Thanks for the reply.

Some days I do feel like she is bi-curious but others I feel like she is totally straight. I don't know, I have always been very good at catching someone's bi curious vibe but never really did with her. A part of me still think that she probably is just friendly ( though I have never seen her act the way she acts with me with other girls) or that maybe the fact that she has some low self-esteem makes her like the attention she is getting from me or the thought of a girl being attracted to her ? (though I don't think she is the type that would play that kind of games.)

So many questions and so very little answers. She is like some kind of problem I can't solve and it's very frustrating. :icon_sad:

 

Hey thank you so much for your reply.
I totally agree with you that most of this time these girls are actually not straight and simply questioning their sexuality that is why I'm trying to be understanding of them as I've been through the same thing but some of them are really pushing the boundaries. (For example I had a crush on a girl not too long ago and she was very obviously into me too, and one drunken night she actually confessed her feelings for me and spent the remainder of the night making out with me and telling me how much she liked me. Taking it all back the next morning pretending that she was straight and that it was just the alcohol speaking. I tried to be understanding but it really destroyed me.) So as much as I'm trying to be understanding of the time the need for their own self discovery and to figure who and what they are, I have a very hard time understanding their needs to 'destroy' another soul in order to discover themselves and their sexuality.

About the bi girl, I'm not actually sure but I think they were pretty good friends which makes me wonder sometimes if she wasn't treating her the same way that she is treating me and that the exact same thing happened. I even wanted to tell her one day (in the joking manner) that if she was treating this girls the same way that she was treating me then I could understand that she (the bi girl) could have felt that she (C) was into her. (I didn't though.)

She did show me a picture of her though, and told me that this girl wasn't 'her type', whatever that means because obviously when you are straight no woman should be 'your type', right ? Sigh.
That is what is frustrating with her, because she never said that she wasn't into this girl because she was straight but always gave very vague reasons as if 'had those reasons not been there' , she would have gone for it.


I did try to tell her off when she's flirting though but she laughs it off. Actually, a lot of people keep insinuating that something is going on between us (which she finds hilarious ?) and I told her that it was upsetting me because I'm bi and I don't need people trying to make me see her that way because if I actually started developing feelings for her then it would mean the end of our friendship because I would need some space from her and she just laughed it off saying something along the lines of '' Well you can't blame them for thinking we are cute together now, can you? " Which irritated me because I was being honest and she didn't seem to have got it.
So I then tried to do the opposite which is that every time she flirts with me I try to push it as far as possible because I know that that straight/confused/bi-curious girl freaks out at the realization that their flirtation can be taken seriously and that someone of the same sex may be into them so I did, and everytime I would take it an inch too far she would laugh and say something like '' Hahaha we are crazy !'' or '' Alright, that's enough. :icon_redf " Which would make me think " Okay great she got scared so won't do it again'' yet she does it still.

I am not sure what kind of thrills she gets from this but it's slightly getting frustrated. :***:

Thank you for your reply.


A part of me actually think that she is just straight and treats all her close friends like this, but it's hard not over interpret everything when we do stuff that I ( we come from different backgrounds) would not feel comfortable doing with even my best friends or good friends I have known for years.
I do realize that we don't have the same background/family history and that she is much more touchy-feely than me and that she may just be friendly but I can't really help my brain to over analyze everything even though a fair part of me genuinely believe she is straight.

I will try to focus on something/someone else and to avoid as much physical contact as I can with her from now on though. Though it's hard as we sleep weekly in the same bed. I need to get her out of my system though so will do everything I can to do so.


Thanks again for all you replies, actually just writing it all down and getting it out there is very freeing and liberating for the mind (and the heart too) , now can't wait until scientist find some way to immunize our heart to straight people.

 

Hey, thanks for the links girls I'll make sure to check them all out tomorrow ( it's 4am here so need to get some sleep but wanted to reply to you before doing so. )

I am not surprised that many ''straight'' girls overstep boundaries as I know women/girls are generally much more touchy feely that guys and are more into showing their appreciation/feelings with gestures and physical contact so I guess it's 'normal.' I also know that it's common for non-heterosexual people to overthink those gestures as obviously we are put in a situation where we have to 'guess' the other person's sexuality and therefore are looking for the smallest kind of clue and often end up overthinking every little detail, making us see signs where there isn't. So I try to be cautious. Can't really control my brain/heart though can I ? (Or at least I haven't yet manage to do it right ! haha)


When she confessed that she may not be straight I chose not to mention it for the rest of the night, I wanted her to see that for me it was no big deal as it shouldn't be, and that nothing had changed. I did mention it a couple days later though, as I watched two videos full of women that any 'non-straight' women would find attractive and sent them to her with a message along the lines of '' When I wonder whether or not I am straight, I watch this type of things and know I am not. haha you should try it ! "
and she replied back something along the lines of '' of course if (specific actress/model) is in the video, I am definitely not straight. :icon_redf :lol: "
But then she acted so straight and so focused on guys that I basically never brought it back and now pretty much refer to her as straight and she never correct me so...


Now, since that first post, nothing have really changed. Though writing it down and getting it out REALLY helped and made me feel much better, I am still between a rock and a hard place but the fog seems a little less blurry, for me at least. Which is great.

Today a friend whom I have never talked about C with, mentioned her out of the blue and sent me something along the lines of. " Your friend C looks like a cool and nice chick ! "
and I was a bit shocked because I never told her about C (that friend is from my hometown) and everyone has been mentioning her lately which doesn't help me.
So I sent C a screenshot of my friend's message followed by a '' why do people keep talking to me about you ?? " to which she replied " haha that's adorable ! And because I am your girlfriend, that's why ! "

to which I retorted " That's what everyone seem to think yeah, haha"

and she laughed asking what people had said and that she found it hilarious.

Though she then spent the whole afternoon pretending that we were a couple and ''broke up with me'' when I told her I was going to a 'lesbian party' with some other girls tonight (which I did) as she was jealous and blah blah blah it was all fun and games and I am sure she didn't meant 99% of it, but something stuck with me though. When she jokes, it's always very obvious she never ever precise that she is joking though when she said '' I am going to start being jealous if you see other girls'' she quickly followed it by another message saying ''I am joking ! " but the way it was done almost felt as if she was more trying to convince herself than me (though I may well be dreaming haha) we then kept coming back and forth and at some point I reminded her that she had kissed a guy in front of me and that I had been fine with it (which is a lie lol (the me being fine with it part ) and she replied '' You did too." with a disappointed/sad emoji face. Which is true, but I felt like it was more of a dig at me than a joke, as if we weren't playing anymore ? I am actually so surprised that she remembers that kiss as it was ages ago and I wouldn't have thought that it would have stuck with her as I personally only get interested in who my crushes kiss and barely acknowledge the rest. Though it may well be different for other people.


Also tomorrow I am sleeping over to her hometown as there is a party so I will probably sleep with her and I am definitely going to meet her parents, so this is going to be an interesting weekend! She also said that I probably will see the bi girl at that party but that she doesn't plan on talking to her and stuff so we'll see, maybe I'll meet her and we'll get some infos out of her. We'll see.


I probably won't be able to update during the weekend as I'll be with her but hopefully on Monday (or Sunday) I'll be telling you that she is fully out of my system haha so wish me luck !

Thanks again for your reply and sorry for the long mess of a response haha. :icon_bigg

 

Hey, sorry I didn't update but a lot of things have actually happened in my life / with C recently that I don't even know where to start.

C and I have recently parted ways. We are still in touch but more like acquaintances now.Nothing to do with my sexuality or hers or that story really.

What happened is that I had started to suffer from anxiety (mostly due to my past and pretty much unrelated to her) and this had started to get each day a little worse. So when the weekend came, while I had fun, I suffered from a pretty bad panic attack. ( We were dressed up as it was Carnival and my cape happened to have been tied too tight around my neck and it made me feel as if someone was strangling me. I have suffered from sexual abuse in the past and strangling was a part of it so I guess that's what triggered the attack.) It was my first as I am a rather laid back person and was rather unexpected and really freaked me out as I had never felt like that before. It was a small incident and nothing major happened and I still managed to have fun and act normal during the party but I was really shaken up as I really thought I was over all of this so it was hard to see the shell I had worked so hard to build crack at such a minor thing. The party was good enough and I had fun but unfortunately in the few days that followed my anxiety grew, and my depression started coming back. I thought I could find in C a loving ear as I really needed it and she knew some bribes of my past (including some of the abuse) but nope. Everytime I would want to share something with her when I was not my normal joyful self and would feel a bit bad she would just brush me off saying stuff like " just don't think about it." (as if that was THAT easy) not really in an arrogant way but as if she didn't want to talk about it as it would make her feel bad, so I stopped trying to open up to her but the problem didn't really go away. There was more bad news (a death) which led to me ending up in tears at another party. I spent the 3/4 of the night feeling crap but forcing myself to put on a smile and be my cheerful self for everyone but there was a moment where we stopped and sat down and I just couldn't hold it in and started crying. C hadn't been there for me at all that night, completely ignoring me and stuff but I at least thought she would ask me what was wrong or if I was alright but she did not. That really pissed me off to be honest and by the time I got home I had sent her a rather angry message about '' how disappointed I with in her behaviour '' and stuff to which she said she was sorry and stuff but by the next morning things were really awkward between us. I apologized (though I didn't think I had anything to apologize for !) but things remained awkward and she said she needed some time to think which I accepted to give her.

The first few days were hard and if I am being honest it isn't much easier now. I mean I am far from everyone I love and the main person I had here left me when I most needed her. That's why I tried to tell myself too, that if she was even remotely a decent friend she would have been there for me then and would be here for me now. She failed me in an unbelievable way, yet I still miss her and want her in my life. It's hard. But on the other hand this has been very beneficial too.
It has allowed me to realize how one-sided our friendship was and how I definitely was NOT in love with her but more in love with what we had. It has also given me time to start working on myself (as I also have my flaws and did some wrong in our friendship) and on my anxiety/overwhelming feelings.

It's all recent so it's all still very hard and I still feel rather weak but I am getting stronger everyday and I'll forever have a place in my heart for her. She said she would be fine with hanging out with me and our common friends at night and I guess we probably will so you may have some update in the future but for now I very much doubt so.

With hindsight though, I would say that she is probably straight but loving and much more touchy-feely than average. I think she craves feeling loved and wanted and I think that's what she gets from me and other girls (apparently there were two before me and not one as I thought). I think she is a great girl and I wish her the best and all, and hope we will eventually get back in each other's life. But right now I just want to focus on me and my journey, and who knows, maybe I'll meet the perfect girl along the way.

How is your love life going idsm ? I am actually curious.

Thanks for asking for updates. Sorry that's probably not the one you were looking for ! :icon_redf

(*hug*)