We've been friends for four months. We're not super close, but definitely more than just casual acquaintances. We text a lot, talk to each other every day in college, and we've been for coffee once or twice. From her point of view, everything is entirely platonic; she's hetero-romantic (I'm pretty sure) and has a crush on a boy (he has a girlfriend, but that's not the point). She's asexual and knows I'm bi. I can't really distance myself. It kills me that we're not closer friends as it is, and I can't exactly tell her to go away when she talks to me, I can't ignore her texts, or not go to the classes I share with her. And distancing myself from her would mean distancing myself from a lot of my other friends too. But I can't tell her - she's not overly emotional and I'm sure it would embarrass her, she wouldn't know how to react, and it would ruin any friendship we have at the moment. But I can't keep going on like this either: I overanalyse everything, because even though I know she can't like me, I still want to be one of her closest friends, and I get jealous when she talks to other people. I know that's ridiculous and I don't show my possessiveness. But it's making our friendship really unhealthy, which is so upsetting because she's one person I find it genuinely easy to talk to, and we have so much in common, but now with this ridiculous crush it's like every bit of attention she gives me is a gift and I'm some small puppy craving her attention. She means so much more to me than I ever could to her and it's making me so depressed and anxious. I just need to talk about this because i don't really have anyone i can talk about this to in real life. I get so attached to people and it's just humiliating. Thanks.
Why not tell her and let the dice fall as they may? If she feels the same way, great. If not, that’s ok to – at least you’ll know for sure and won’t have to constantly be thinking and worrying about “what could be.” You’d have some closure and could move on. You’ll be able to put an end to the anxiety and finally relax. One think I would be careful with is some of your assumptions. You afraid to tell her because you’re assuming: - She doesn’t feel the same way - She would be embarrassed by it and would become awkward - She would see it as wrong and would cut off ties - She isn’t emotional - If she reacted poorly it would affect your other friendships - Your life would be horrible without her - You need her affection and attention in order to be happy All of these are assumption you’re making. How do you know they’re true? Do you have hard evidence? What if they aren’t true – then what? One other things: On her being asexual – there certainly are people that truly aren’t physically attracted to either sex, but it’s rare. I wouldn’t go on the assumption that she is asexual, unless she told you so. Just my perspective.
Thank you for the reply - sometimes I do wonder if I should just tell her. I guess I don't our of embarrassment more than anything else and since I'm 99% sure she's not attracted to girls it seems pointless hoping for anything other than a rejection. Also she likes this boy a LOT. She did tell me she was asexual. We both go to a college LGBT group and she has a shirt with the ace pride colours - there's no doubt in that respect. Most of our friends are gay or in some way 'not straight' so I wouldn't worry that she would think it was 'wrong' - but she's even said in the past she'd be embarrassed if someone confessed they liked her (this wasn't subtly directed at me, haha, it was before I liked her and in relation to something else).
