To start off, I'm extremely sorry to bother you with this. I really need to get this stuff off my chest and out of my head, if that even will work. I just need to share this, and I thought this maybe would be the most accepting place. If you happen to have any advice, please let me know, cause I feel like shit. So, I'm a guy, 16 years old from the Netherlands. I don't think I was born in the wrong body persé, cause I feel like a guy and want to be a guy and everything, but no-one around me seems to understand me, and I would just like to be born as someone with accepting and caring people around him. I am bisexual, if not gay, and I think I came to this conclusion about 7 months ago in the summer break. I felt pretty lonely and everyone was on vacation, and I didn't know what to do. I really missed the contact with people from school, especially a friend of mine and I just wanted to be with him. I started texting with him more, and we kind of became closer friends. He has a girlfriend who I also know kind of, and he is really cool, has some decent friends, goes to nice parties and has a nice, loving and caring girlfriend. He is also a very sporty type, and he can be very serious if he needs to be. This is the guy I have a crush on at the moment. In my eyes, he is great, and at this moment I wouldn't want anything else than to let him know that. I didn't tell anyone about my feelings for him, not even about my presumed orientation. People around me don't seem too accepting and make a lot of homophobic jokes around me. At family parties, my cousin and my brother 'joke' that I probably am gay because I never had a real girlfriend. If only they knew, this breaks me up piece by piece every time, to the point that I just hope they burn in hell. Also for this reason I would just rather not tell anyone, because I know that everyone will keep joking about it. I also know that if I won't tell it, I will never become happy. So, I have the guy I have a crush on. I really like him, but yeah, he has a girlfriend, so I guess that won't work out. The only thing I want is to just cuddle up in his arms, tell him about my worries or just about my day, and do fun stuff together. Just be the friends we are, but then truly like he cares. I don't want to harm him though, and I think that by telling him about how I feel or 'who I am' I might scare him, potentially confuse him. I don't want him and his girlfriend to break up, because they seem to be very happy together. I just wish I would have someone like that, someone I can love and for me at this moment the most importantly, someone who loves me back. I just hate it at this moment that I can't be happy. I feel sad that, while being 16 and being at according to all my all-knowing family members 'the best time of my life', I truly feel unhappy. The people I hang out with sometimes freak me out, and the people who I would want to be friends with don't want to be mine, or don't seem to be. I just don't feel like I fit in the group, and this results in me not having anyone to talk with, except for the guy I like. This is also where it goes wrong, cause I can not tell him about how I feel for him, about others or in the long run about how depressed I feel. Why would he still want to hang out with me, why would he need to care about me, if he can just be happily living his own life. I miss someone in my life, someone caring, someone loving. Someone who says nice things to me, not because they 'have to', e.g. parents (it feels like that a lot) but because they want to, someone who laughs when I laugh, because I laugh, not someone who laughs when I fall, or laughs when someone makes a joke about me. I don't feel comfortable about where I am and who I am, and I would just like to be myself. I would want to have at least one person I can be friends with, real friends, caring friends. But, at this moment I have no one, no one to grapple on-to, no one to get me further. I just feel like crap.
Hey there I am sorry to hear that and I know it must be tough for you. Sometimes it's hard to figure ourselves out, what we want and who we want to be with, especially when we feel like no one will ever truly understand us. So, first of all, you're not the only one that feels that way. A lot of people, even those who seem to have life figured out to others, may be struggling inside. I don't know how close you actually are to this other guy, but, depending on the level of your friendship, perhaps you should tell him how you feel. See, you don't have to tell your feelings for him, but just that you're not feeling well. You probably doesn't want to expose yourself like that, because that's a scary thing indeed, but if you ever want to find the real friends that you seek, you'll have to show at least some of your weaknesses sooner or later. Also, don't feel like you're a loser because you're not fully enjoying your teenage years. This talk about ''best time of your life'' is crap. No teenager is supposed to be happy all the time. I don't know anyone that was.
Sometimes I feel like crap also, but I tell myself to take it one day at a time. I either write, draw, listen to music, etc. Just remember that you're not alone.
