Breakup.

I haven't been active for a long while, partly because I got banned for a month because I mentioned my steam username, but also because I just got busy with life.

Anyway, if anyone wants to take a gander through my post history, you'll see that when I first started posting I had just become involved with a guy.

All I can say is, over the past 6 months or so, I fell so in love with him I can't even describe it. We were the best of pals, we spent a lot of time together and I can honestly say it was the best 6 months of my life. We even had plans to get married some day, and I know that seems like a lot for 6 months, but you have to keep in mind that we'd basically been best friends for 5 years before this relationship started.

Anyway, everything was great. We had just finalized our plans to go to prom together at my high school, and we couldn't be happier. We saw each other enough to be satisfied, our sex life was good (won't go into details), and we just generally enjoyed each other.

Until about a month and a half ago, a week before my two-week-long winter break from school, something happened. A good friend of mine sent me screenshots showing the other people in my friend group calling me a fag, insulting my boyfriend and all kinds of awful things. I was heartbroken to see that, and I immediately jumped to just cutting them off completely. I felt like I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

On that note, before I continue I want to add that being with my bf gave me more self confidence than I'd ever had before. The first time we walked around in public holding hands, that practically exploding feeling of pride in my chest was addicting. Since dating him, I'd really improved myself. I started to like how I looked, and started to feel that I really was valuable. After all, the most attractive and nice guy I know was dating /me/ of all people! I started to see what I assumed he saw in me.

Anyway, as this drama was all starting to unfold, I obviously went to my boyfriend and told him what was going on. He was appauled as I was, but he thought that I should try and talk it through with them and not throw away 5-6 years worth of close friendship over one incident. I disagreed, and we got into a pretty big argument about it. At some point during that arguement (this was over text), he said that he couldn't be my boyfriend anymore, that it was all too much and that he wanted to break up. I pleaded with him over text to talk to me in person, which he eventually did a couple hours later before our last class of the day.

I spotted him in the empty hallway and ran towards him, his eyes were red and he'd obviously been crying. He ran up to me and hugged me, and held me until I gently pulled him into a side corridor so we could talk briefly. He didn't say anything, he just hugged me tightly. I tried to comfort him and told him that it would all be okay and that we could fix it. He kissed me on the lips, then we parted ways.

After our class, we met up in the hall again. Except this time he wasn't teary eyed. He sat me down at a bench, and put his arm around my shoulder and told me as gently as possible that it wasn't working out and that he thought we should break out. I started crying and ran out of the building. It was the first time in my life I'd ever cried in front of anyone who wasn't a family member.

After that, we didn't talk throughout winter break. Right near the end, he sent me a long letter saying that he felt awful for saying what he said, and that he couldn't bear to see me upset. I kinda thought that it meant that he wanted to get back together, but I didn't push him on it. Turns out I was wrong.

We went through this limbo of not knowing what our situation was. I came over to help him with his computer, and after his parents left we ended up sleeping with each other. It wasn't planned at all, and for that little while it felt like everything was normal. Afterwards, we cleaned up and I went off to work. He seemed happy enough afterwards, and I was over the moon.

A couple days later I sort of offhandedly sent him a flirty text, and it really upset him. He basically told me that we could be friends, and perhaps friends with benefits, but that the relationship was over and he felt like I was trying to "lure him in". We got talking more, and apparently for the past few weeks of the relationship he had been feeling like it was too much, but he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

He said that I relied on him too much for emotional support. He said "I spent so many nights crying feeling sad for you", which made me feel awful. I never meant for that to happen. Another thing he said that stuck was "You didn't lean on me, you sat on me".

I wish I had known that he wasn't happy. I feel like these issues could easily have been resolved if we'd worked on it, but he kept me in the dark and now he either doesn't love me anymore, or he feels like he can never fix it.

Fast forward to recently, He kinda suddenly stopped talking to me at all. I'd always be the one messaging him, and he'd sparsely respond, sometimes ignoring me completely for 24 hours. Eventually I asked him why he was acting that way, and he said that he felt like he wasn't comfortable with the amount of time that we were talking or spending time together, and that he wanted to spend less time with me. That hurt so much, but I said okay and that I wouldn't message him anymore or approach him in person until he felt he was ready.

He didn't even respond to that message. It's been 3 days and nothing, and I'm worried that I've lost him forever. I still love him beyond anything or anyone I ever thought I loved. I think about him all day, I dream about him, when I wake up he's the first thing I think about. It's becoming hard to function, it's like my whole life is meaningless without him. All I ever wanted was to be the one that made him happier than anyone else, and now I make him so uncomfortable he'd rather not be around me anymore.

I'm feeling completely broken and I don't know what to do.

 

I just don't understand. Two days before he broke up with me, we had a wonderful evening and he was more affectionate towards me than normal, even.

We were at a friends house and he fell asleep (long story), and he was sitting on the couch and I was sitting on the floor between his legs watching silly YouTube videos. He was busy with his own phone related activities, but every couple minutes he'd lean down, press his cheek against mine for a few minutes and see what I was up to, then kiss me on the cheek and return to what he was doing. It was so nice, and none of it was my doing, all the affection was coming from him. Then he dropped me home, pulled me back into the car and kissed me, then sent me on my way again. I'd never felt so content.

And then two days later my whole life is shattered.

 

I was feeling better, too. After posting here and doing some drawing, I was feeling a little bit better. Then I glanced at my skype and realized that he had removed me, and when I went to check his steam profile realized that he'd blocked me there too. I hadn't said a word to him in a couple days, why did he need to block me? He didn't remove me, so he's not cutting me off, he just blocked me so I can't see any of his info or contact him. He didn't block me on facebook.

I wish I hadn't noticed, we never even use skype, like ever. I don't know why he'd block me if it's not even a way that I've used to communicate with him in the past.

I feel like shit all over again

 

Ive had pretty bad depression since I was about 12. Some days I'd just feel like crying all day for no particular reason. Those days weren't extremely common, but near the end of our relationship I guess they got slightly more common. He always seemed happy to listen or to comfort me, and he made a huge difference. He never expressed that it was upsetting to him, if I'd known I would have done differently.

I don't know if it's as hard. As far as I can tell, the breakup hasn't effected much of his day to day life. Hell, it's effected my grades slightly even. Everyone has noticed I've become really quiet and removed. Meanwhile, if anything he's become more social, and posts to Facebook more often than he ever did before.

I'd understand if he had blocked me a month ago, but he did just now. Whatever this change was, it wasn't like that a couple weeks ago. It seems almost like an attack on me, so that id /know/ for sure he didn't want to talk. I know it shouldn't, but it hurt my feelings to see all my stuff blocked. We both agreed to take another break, it doesn't seem necessary.

Sorry I wasn't very coherent in my OP. It hasn't been 3 days, he broke up with me on December 24th, right before our plans for Christmas.

I'll admit that I've been keeping tabs on him. It's hard to open Facebook and not type his name in really fast and check, ect. I know it's bad but it feels worse than not knowing at all.

I don't want to remove him, it'll make it seem to him that I don't have the self control to not bother him. I have issues of my own, it just feels too difficult to work on them when my whole social circle is completely gone.

Not only did I lose him, I lost my whole friend group too on the same day. Except for a very close friend (the one who tipped me off about them calling me a fag and stuff). However, he just broke up with his girlfriend a week ago, and now he's not talking to me either. Not sure what I did.

 

I feel awful honestly, for involving him in my problems. I didn't realise that he wasn't handling it well, I must have just not been paying attention. Some days I'd feel really down and just go off the grid, and he'd call and leave me voicemails saying that he hoped I was feeling okay and that he loved me. I didn't ever stop to think that it might be hurting him more than it was hurting me.

I'm dealing with my depression by myself. I used to go to a therapist, I used to be on medication, but it's just too expensive and I can't afford it now.

I hope he cares about me, but I feel awful for putting him through this. I told him how I was feeling often, and I guess he felt kind of helpless because it was always just me sobbing over feelings that didn't have a cause. I'd get extremely upset and when he asked what was wrong I didn't know what to tell him. If he had just told me that he wasn't comfortable with how those conversations was going, I could have changed things. :/

I guess I do kind of take things personally. The thing is with my only friend, I'd see him in class and around the school chatting and laughing with his other friends that I don't know so well. Yet when I texted him or waived at him I got absolutely nothing back. I called him up when it first started happening to try and see if I could understand what was going on, and he said that he "needed time to think". I don't know. I think he might be feeling worse. At our robotics meeting today, he literally crawled into a gigantic cardboard box and went to sleep during the meeting. When somebody found him sleeping in a box, he got up, put on his winter coat, and just slept at the table. I felt awful but I didn't want to comfort him or anything because he told me to leave him alone.

As far as the ex, I know that just because he acts happy doesn't mean he is, it's just that he's shut me out completely since the day he broke up with me, and since he's obviously not showing it to me, it doesn't seem like anybody even knows anything happened to him at all, which doesn't seem fair in a way.

 

I'm taking it a day at a time. I've been trying to start drawing, and finding other ways to express myself.

Haven't found anything that is free or discounted as far as therapy goes, and when I was in therapy it didn't help me anyway.

I guess I never thought it was a big deal. People have bad days right? Mine just involved sobbing uncontrollably and laying in bed until it went away.

I'd have months at a time where I felt on the verge of tears all day for no reason, and then months at a time where I felt on top of the world. I guess I didn't think it was that huge of a deal

 

Sadly I work 30 hours a week and go to high school, so I can't go to therapy 3 times a week, once is hard as it is.

Also my school has a "therapist" but you're not allowed to come regularly, so it's kind of a waste.

Somehow I feel like therapy isn't the right option for me, at least right now. When I move out in the fall maybe I'll take a look at some options near where I'm moving (thankfully 4.5 hours away from any family).

I've had big crushes before, hell I've had a boyfriend before, but this is something else. I've never cared this much about another person before. It's difficult to handle, it almost feels like it crept up on me.

I honestly don't know how I'm gonna do it