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What should I do?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Marty18, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. Marty18

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    Yesterday my boyfriend told me that he slept with 3 other guys and 1 girl since we were together. I knew about 2 guys because it was during our break so it shouldn't count....but he slept with one of them even after we got back together. The 3rd guy was his ex and he slept with him just a few weeks after we started seriously dating. That girl was a friend of my best friend and I don't really get it why he did this...

    He says it's not a big deal and that it's over now but I don't feel good about it. I am not mad at him as I might should be. I just feel insecure. He says he loves me so much and was very angry when I told him I was kisisng with another boy while I was drunk which seems quite ridiculous now.

    Should I forgive and trust him? How can I know he won't do it again?
     
  2. H20

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    In my personal opinion, I have never met anybody worth forgiving if they're willing to cheat on you. As you said, during your break, those two guys shouldn't count, but the 3rd guy and the girl do. It's ultimately up to you if you want to forgive him, as some couples can get through this, however, it's whether or not you can trust him.

    You said yourself you feel insecure and you aren't sure if he'd do it again. Frankly though, I don't get how anyone can say being with another person, dating or sexually, while you're in a committed serious relationship already can not be a big deal.

    No, you don't have to necessarily be mad at him. However, he did cheat on you, but didn't like you kissing someone else when you were drunk? That's kind of redundant and illogical, and unfair. And to be more frank, you can't really know if he won't do it again. Can you live knowing that, wondering if behind your back he met somebody else and is with another without your knowing?

    If I were you, I wouldn't tolerate that and I'd break it off. Now on the other hand, you said he told you. Did he bring it up himself or did you question him or what not? If he told you he could really feel guilty and love you, but even still, there's the lack of trust.

    Just because someone wrongs you doesn't mean they don't love you. But every relationship relies on trust and communication. If you're strictly together in a not open relationship, he severely broke that trust, and with a friend of your best friend as well.

    I'm not going to tell you to just forget him. Everyone has different needs and wants and perspectives, and each couple is different, but the bottom line is can you forgive him for breaking your trust, and can you learn to trust him again? Can you be sure he won't ever do this again? Can you learn to feel secure and loved again? Do you want to forgive him?

    And is he worth keeping? While reading this you only ever mentioned that you aren't as mad as you should be. Are you emotionally connected? Is your relationship good? Also, you never really mentioned your loving him and or wanting to be with him. You sound rather impartial actually, giving me the impression you might not care about him as much as one might. Most people in your shoes are really hurt or angry, but you didn't mention any of this.

    So the main, very important question is: Do you still want a relationship with your boyfriend? Do you love him enough to be with him?
     
  3. Marty18

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    I used to be lonely and depressed for a long time. When I admitted to myself I was gay I started to look for a boyfriend. After a few unsuccesful dates I felt like I gave up on life. But then he wrote me, we met and seemed perfect for me because even I didn't find him hot he was a handsome guy who wanted ME. It felt like a dream cause I lost all the hope before and he saved me. I was alive again.

    The problem is that I don't feel connected to him but I also need him and love him, at least as much as I have ever loved someone. I really try my best but as he is very anxious he sometimes said he thought I didn't love him enough which only made mě feel more insecure.

    We've been together for a year now so we decided that we will tell all of our screts to each other. That's he told me. He didn't want to ať first. He just said there is something bad he did and should told me but can't. I told him if he won't tell me it will be much worse. I was also scared as we had unprotected sex sveral times. He also left school (he is 23), again. I want to study abroad and we thought we could go together. But he is so...like a child or I don't know. He doesn't believe there is future for him and don't know how to help him. On the other hand he'd like to move together soon.

    I just feel depressed again and all my emotions are dull.
     
  4. Euler

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    Sorry to hear about this. I understand that you are feeling conflicted and that it is not a nice situation for you to be.

    However, to me it sounds like you are in this relationship for the wrong reasons. You yourself admit that you feel disconnected from him and that it's he who is more interested in you. I don't think you really love him and he has noticed this too. You love the feeling of being loved and the fact that he supplies to some of your unmet needs.

    His cheating is not as important question to the future of your relationship as is what you actually feel. Both of you sound like that you have issues and are not actually feeling fine. I think that the reasons that caused your feeling of depression and loneliness are still there and you need to search and address them. Your BF also sounds like having issues with his anxiety and being very pessimistic about his own future.

    If you are in a university there is likely to be a student psychologist who you could talk about your issues. I advice you do just that.