Most people, whether romantically inclined or not, have all at least pictured what it would be like to experience a fairy tale romance, a high school summer fling, a summer affair, or some other romantic expedition. These treks usually start in middle school (for some earlier but generally, middle school) and progress from there. They begin with tentative "dates" and move to hand holding, or to games of spin the bottle at a party. Stolen kisses here; awkward tries at romantic gestures there. There are spilled drinks, and tongue in all the wrong places. Then in high school it changes a bit. The dates become movies, become late night talks. There is lasting relationships, and quick hook ups. There is Valentine's day and dances. There is lunches and walking each other to class. There is the stuff we see on movies. There are social media posts about each other with heart emojis and winky faces. Then there are beach trips, and sunset walks. There's late night drives and getting caught and talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. And it is gorgeous! All of these things we see in the movies or shows or books or just plain, old, real life. All of these gestures and events add up to a giant cliche that is supposed to be a right of passage for the modern adolescent. But I didn't get these. Why, you ask? If this is so common in every teen in modern days then why didn't you have it? Did you dream of it? There is an answer to these questions. This happens for most adolescents, but there is a qualification that needs to be made. I am gay and these things don't happen to me. To us. For some maybe? For most these are distant dreams and wishes that stick to books and fairy tales. Did I dream of it? You bet your ass I did! Every day and night I lay in bed and it haunts me. Because now I have no experience; nothing on my romantic resume, but a blank piece of paper that says "dreamer". I am entering a world of college in the matter of weeks. I will no longer be in the innocent land of adolescence. I will be in the world of sex, drugs, alcohol, adulthood. Where virginity is a word used to describe kids, and experienced just means reality. This isn't just about sex it's about small kisses. A contact of lips so common to most, yet has never been experienced by I. What am I to do? I never got my cliches. I never got my innocent hand holding. I never got to get a first kiss. I never got to slow dance in a smelly gym. I never got to walk anyone to class. I never got to go on a first movie date. I never got to kiss anyone behind the bleachers. I never got to live through these gateways that are supposed to prime you for a serious relationship. What am I to do? I don't know. All I do know is that I am walking into a world where everyone is a level ahead of me. And I am not naive there will be others like me, but will they say anything? Will we find each other? Will it matter? I don't know. All I know is that I didn't get my cliches. And they were all I honestly wanted.
