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Wanting to Move Out, but afraid to.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Bonito, Feb 8, 2016.

  1. Bonito

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    Hi everyone,

    My name's Amber. I just recently turned 21 and for as long as I can remember, I've wanted to move out due to the relationship struggle I have with my mom and her side of the family. I came out around 5 times during my teenage years, and each time it ended in me being heartbroken and going back into the closet due to conservative Christian beliefs.

    Recently, I started dating a girl in August 2015 and now we've been talking about living together. The problem is that I live in Louisiana, and she lives in Virginia. I'm more than willing to go to Virginia to live with her, due to the fact that I am very unhappy where I'm currently residing. Yet, my mom knows very little about her (or me for that matter), because after being rejected for who I am more than once (and being told it's a 'phase'), I have never been comfortable enough to tell her anything anymore.

    My girlfriend's parents, on the other hand, support our decision to move in together and are going to help us with the move. My girlfriend and I have also planned everything out regarding apartments, school, money making, etc. so that both of our journey's won't be difficult down the road.

    I love my mom, but I'm getting tired of living my life under her standards. I want to experience things for myself and make my own decisions and learn from my own mistakes. After being berated so many times, I've become afraid of rejection and judgement, therefore I'm struggling to tell my mom that I'd like to move out and live my life with my girlfriend. I am not financially independent, and I feel like I never will be if I don't move away.

    I don't know for sure what I should do, so I decided to post this in hopes that others' opinions will help me decide.

    :help:
     
  2. Confusedmoose

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    Hey Bonito. That's a tough situation to be in. Making a change that big is a big deal for anyone. All I can say is that you have to follow your gut. Rejection is hard, but it seems to me that when you feel ready (especially if you're that unhappy) you should talk to your mom and tell her how you feel. I'm sure that she loves you even though she doesn't understand right now.
     
  3. resu

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    Your mom is unlikely to change her behavior as long as you stay with her, so it's a good idea to move. Even if you're not fully independent, you can still get a small job and the confidence it brings. Remember, you are 21 and an adult. Honestly, if your mom is going to be very rude, you might wait to tell her until you have a clear plan in case she tries to obstruct you. It may seem hard, but moving is also great at purging yourself what is unnecessary.
     
  4. Lin1

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    I was in a similar situation.

    My mother and I don't get along, she knows her neighbours better than she actually knows me and as much as I would like to have an happy relationship with her, our relationship is simply too toxic for this to ever happen, so I did the only thing that would allow me to be happy and free of her grasp and moved to another country (well a few actually but I am settled in a specific one right now.) It wasn't necessarily easy and I am pretty much losing up on the rest of my family but in the long run it is/was worth it.

    Her negativity towards me was sending me in constant depression and often made me want to take my own life, now that I am far, I can breathe. I have got my own place, my own job and I am living the life I have always wanted to live. Of course I miss some of my family but the reward of that sacrifice and of being financially independant is well worth it and I pray to God (or any other kind of energy) that I never have to be dependent of my mother ever again. I have reimbursed her every cent of what she had landed me until now and I hope to have enough money one day to be able to write her a check with the amount of what I may have cost her during the first 16 years of my life and write her out of my life altogether.

    It's sad but sometimes you have to think about yourself and live your life the way you want it to be. Your mother has made the choice of not accepting you for who you are but you don't have to make the choice to put up with it. Chose what makes you happy and let her deal with the consequences of her choices the same way you'll deal with the consequences of the choices you are about to make. If you think moving to Virginia is the key to your happiness then do so. You've only got one life and won't be able to have any of the years you are missing being unhappy and in the closet back.

    Good luck though as I know it's a tough choice !
     
  5. bookreader

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    Since you're 21, you can pretty much leave as she's not your responsibility. So go on and live and be free with your girlfriend.
     
  6. PaintingMeInfinite

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    This is my first post/response on here so please keep that in mind. As has been said before and will be said again, it is tough trying to make any change in life. Most of the time you just have to jump into it, take that first step and see how it goes. Fortunately, planning in advance helps with some issues which you have done so count that as a win. Also, it sounds like you need to prepare for a backlash from your mom. You need to hope for the best reaction as well, people can be surprising. When I moved out from my parents at 18 (I'm 32 now) it wasn't a good situation and I broke off fast, no talking about it at all. I am not out to them and don't know if I ever will be, I'm barely out to myself still. Moving out was the best decision I made and the relationship with both of my parents is much better for it. So your options, as I see it, are to plan the move and drop it on her at the last minute so you don't have to live with the backlash for long or to sit her down prior and talk to her (not discuss it), let her know that it's best for you, you have planned it out and hopefully the relationship will strengthen and heal between you both.
     
  7. AlmostBlue

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    Your situation with your mother sounds really tough, but it seems like you have a great girlfriend and her supportive mother on your side. I would encourage you to move, especially as you and your girlfriend seem to have planned very carefully already. Change may be scary, but I think it should be better than staying in your current situation.