two girls - new girl vs first love

I never set out to hurt anyone but now I’m in too deep and I’m not sure how to get myself out.

I’ve asked for advice from the one’s closest to me and have even tried to sort it out in my own head. Coming from a logical perspective I know what to do but the heart feels what it wants. My last alternative is to get some objective opinions and hope it helps me decide.

I have been single for three years, throughout the years I’ve dated but never got very serious about being in a relationship. Now I see some relationship potential in two people. And it just so happened that they appeared in my life around the same time, which seems unusual and too good to be true considering how long I’ve been single.

One is my ex, my first love from 8 years ago, we recently reconnected as we occasionally have over the pasts few years. She made it seem like she was finally single (she is a serial “monogamous” and I am what you would call a serial “dater”). So it seemed like we finally had a shot to possibly rekindle our old flame.

Soon after getting emotionally involved again she started introducing “hiccups” small confessions that I didn’t necessarily know how to respond to besides with hurt and anger. She told me she’s going on a vacation with her most recent ex and the original intent was so that they can fix their “problems” and patch up their relationship. She said that she no longer wanted to be with her and that going would be about enjoying a vacation and not losing the money for the expensive “already paid for” trip.

Meanwhile, I met a new girl by chance, at a bar, not my typical dating spot, but she ended up being very interesting and we immediately clicked. She travels for work so the first month I knew I her we only seen each other three times. So I maintained contact with my ex and, slowly got to know this new girl through text. She showed me kindness and thoughtfulness during the beginning stages of getting to know each other and I really respected and valued her as a person.

My ex tried to maintain contact during her “vacation” but then it got to be too much. So she stopped contacting me, although she said she wasn’t having a very good time. I told her sadly I was spending my New Years alone, at home. And by chance the girl I had just met a few weeks before and had been texting, invited me out to a city for a concert two hours away. I decided to pack up for a spontaneous adventure and drive out, it was an amazing experience and we connected very well.

According to my ex, she flew out that night, early from her trip, because she wanted to surprise me and didn’t want me to be alone bringing in the New Year. But she couldn’t get in contact with me so she went home. She was upset with me for not being home, even though I said I would be and flying home early for no reason so she didn’t come visit me for a week or so, she lives about an hour away.

Throughout the time that my ex and I reconnected, I had been trying to stop contact with her after learning of her “vacation” but every time we were together it seemed so hard to walk away from a “second chance”. I realized that our second chance didn’t really exist after she introduced the biggest confession. Her ex that she had been referring to was actually her WIFE and after their “vacation” they have decided on a divorce or rather she has decided on a divorce.

After the initial shock, confusion, and hurt I told her I would stick with her through the process and see if we can develop a relationship after her divorce is finalized. Throughout the months I have pulled away and haven’t been trying to be emotionally involved because its hard and because I have spent a lot more time with this new girl who I actually have a lot in common with.

Before I introduce her a little more. I want to say the reason that it’s not that simple to just walk away from my ex like everyone is advising. She was my first love! This “second chance” idea felt so real and made me fall in love with her all over again. Thirdly, she honestly makes me feel like she is absolutely head over heels with me and that she always has been, seeing as how 8 years ago, I was the one who walked away.

I walked away because she didn’t have her life together and didn’t know how to prioritize me in her life. Today, I still don’t feel like a priority although that may change once her divorce is final. But for the most part her life is pretty together and she is doing great. She makes me feel loved and I have always looked at her with much admiration, love, and respect.

Moving on to the new girl. After our joyous experience on New Years, we made plans to spend time together when she was back from her work trip. She came back after a couple of months and we met for lunch, really just getting to know each other better. It was fun and dating is what I am used to so it was comfortable for me. She talked about being single a lot and her ex occasionally. So I didn’t think she was serious about me.

Then she asked me out and it seemed rushed and out of nowhere so I respectfully declined but we continued to spend more time together, we slept together and then things started moving really fast. She wanted me to spend more time with her because she knew she would be leaving for work again. I didn’t really like the fact that she wasn’t respecting my time so I made this clear with her. I would say that this problem was solved but she was in town for about a month and I could swear we spent about 50% of our time together.

She explained that her desire to be single was because of her traveling for work but she really liked me and wanted to try and build something with me before she left. I told her I don’t mind the distance or her lifestyle but that my time is important even if she is in town and that I still want to take it slow. We’ve really come to support each other and value one another. Even though, I still maintain contact with my ex and have told the new girl about her I am not sure if I am willing to let her go. I feel like the love that my ex and I share is hard to find.

Even though I was able to keep my ex at a distance while she was here, since the new girl has been gone its been a lot harder. I can’t keep the strength in my words anymore. Her divorce is in the back of my head while her affections are the only thing I can think about. And meanwhile the new girl and I are getting closer and it seems like the harder I try to take a step back, the deeper I get into this mess. And I’m just trying to figure out how do I walk away for good? And who do I walk away from? Or should I walk away from both women to make the decision less difficult?