This is kind of a long story, I'm sorry about it. I have a really close friend and I totally fell for him. We've known each other for 3 years, we're both in college and taking the same course. I didn't really have any feelings for him at first, it started after we really got close as friends. I know for a fact that he's gay, he never told me himself, but I just know, I might have overheard some conversations with other people and other people who knew him before have told me. The thing is, I'm extremely shy and insecure, so I never told him anything, although I might have tried to give some hints now and then. I'm also terrible at reading other people's signals, so I never know if he's giving me signals or if it's just wishful thinking. We've become very close lately, although we're not really that close outside college stuff. We're always studying together, doing the same projects together and everything. We have a friend in common and she would invite us to study at her house, so I used to spend a lot of time with him. After a while, we had a little discussion with that friend of ours and we wouldn't go to her house anymore to study, but me and him would still study together. So as I said, it's just when it comes to college stuff. We don't really go out that often, I've tried to make some plans with him but he always avoids it (one of the reasons why I think he doesn't like me). But he's always telling me some stuff, he calls me just to talk, or to share some things that have happened to him. He's always supportive of me as well, like when I'm having a hard time with something, he tries to support me and stuff and I do the same for him, but I feel like I'm willing to do more for him than he is for me. He's always asking for my help with some stuff, like when he needs something fixed on his laptop and stuff. And sometimes he completely ignores me when I text him, even when he's not busy. Even though he can be an asshole sometimes, I still like him, but I don't have the guts to say anything, although sometimes I have to control the urge to kiss him when we're alone. And this feeling is not being really healthy for me, because I can't really think of anything else and I get a little jealous if I see him going out with other people, but when I ask him to go out with me, he's always avoinding it, even though I have absolutely no right to feel like that, because he has the right to do anything he wants with whoever he wants. I just wanted to get over it. I have met some people online who are now friends. So I have this friend online and I have told him about my sexuality and I told him my story. He recommended me trying a relationship app and so I did it. I thought that maybe if I met someone I could forget about my friend. At first I couldn't really talk to anyone but after a while I started talking to some guys and one of them was really nice and sweet, so after a while he told me he wanted to meet me and asked me to go out with him. I didn't want to do it, but after thinking about it, I realized I had nothing to loose. I was kinda nervous about meeting him, so we decided to take things slowly and we decided to go to the movies. When the day arrived, I was so nervous I almost canceled, but I managed to control my fear and I went to the movies with him. We met and we started talking, he was really nice. When we were watching the movie, he would keep trying to hold my hand and caress my arm and stuff like that, I totally froze, realizing how real that was becoming. In the end, nothing really happened, although I could see he wanted something else, but I didn't even kiss him. When I got home, I just couldn't stop thinking that I had done a huge mistake and that I should have never tried that. I talked to him again by text and he said he felt that I was a little distant but he had liked me and wanted to meet me again. Even though he's a great guy and he has been really nice to me, I just don't feel like I can do it again. So, now I'm just completely confused. First of all, I have never been with anyone, I have some anxiety issues and a veeery low self esteem, so the thought of someone liking me just sounds absurd. I guess I froze because I just can't understand how someone could actually like me, when truth is, most of the time, I don't even like myself. Now I have no idea what I should do or what I want to do, because this whole thing just made me realize that even if my best friend actually likes me and tells me that he likes me, I'll probably freeze and I'll just want to hide for the rest of my life. This whole thing just made me feel incredibly bad about myself, because I realized that I just can't deal with intimacy and I don't know what to do. Maybe it's because even though I know I'm gay, I haven't really accepted myself and I'm totally insecure about my looks. Sorry for the long thread, I just needed to get things off my chest and writing about all this helps me get my thoughts straight, even though I'm still pretty confused about everything.
This is going to be kind of like a diary, but at least writing down stuff helps me get them off my chest. I hadn't seem my friend in a month, he was doing a trainee job in another city and we were just comunicating through messages like, twice a week. Anyway, he's back now and I'm already drooling over him. Somehow I sense he's different. I haven't really gotten a chance to talk to him in private but I see something is different. He mentioned he had gotten a new perspective of things career and personal wise while he was away. Anyway, he sent me a message yesterday saying a little bit about this trainee job he was doing and he even mentioned that maybe I could go with him on july over there because there are some things I might enjoy over there. The thing is, I kinda think he's just being supportive as a friend, which is nice, but I can't help but wish there was something else. He mentioned we could work together over there after we finish college and even become roomates. I haven't really said anything about that yet. I know I can be kind of an asshole about this, but I just don't want it to happen if there isn't any other interest. It's just that I've known him for 3 years and that's pretty much how much time I'm already stuck in this situation. I don't think it's likely to change because I'm not brave enough to say anything. I just wouldn't want to "suffer" like that after I finish college. To be completely honest, I don't know what I want. I really like him, more than I wanted to, but I still don't know what I want. I really think that even if he's interested in me and says anything, I would totally freeze and I wouldn't know what to do. I don't know how to explain it. It's like wanting something but not being sure if you can handle it. When I think about being intimate with anyone, it's just weird. I'm not sure if I can do it. I don't think I'm making any sense, I just don't think I know how to deal with intimacy at all, even though it's something I want sometimes. I even thought I was assexual for a short period of time, before I actually met him, because I was never interested in anyone before and it didn't bother me. Now I'm interested in him but I still don't think I could through with it all the way.
