I put myself first. But you know what? That's just being an animal. That's what I am. And is it selfish? Yeah. But I can't change me, and frankly I don't want to. Okay, that probably didn't make any sense, so let me explain. I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago because I realized I was a lesbian. NOW. I did extend friendship to him, and I DID try to be friends with him. But. Every time I talked to him, he would talk about how us breaking up had ruined his life. I felt terrible. REALLY terrible. And by that I mean, considering hurting myself and verbally abusing myself. I wanted to stay friends with him, because I DON'T hate him and I don't WANT to be mean to him, but he ALSO would not stop touching me. He kept hugging me for really uncomfortable amounts of time, and he even TOLD me that he was tempted to kiss me. It makes me uncomfortable, and that and the guilt sends my anxiety through the roof, to the point where I had panic attacks over it. So now when I see him I avoid him, and when he does come up to talk to me I make up some excuse to leave. I feel like an asshole, but... I have enough trouble with self loathing as it is. It's almost a constant with me. I don't need this added to it. Plus he says things that make me really uncomfortable. And from the way he talked about his breakup with his last girlfriend, he reacted the EXACT same way to her breaking up with him as he did to my breaking up with him. Am I really a terrible person? I don't know what scares me more... the thought that I am a terrible person for acting this way towards him, or the fact that I'm okay with that....
You don't need any excuses to break up with someone and you should definitely not take it personally if they are dealing badly with it. It is admirable that you want to be friends with him but do you really or are you just being friends with him because you feel guilty? What you really need to do is to have an open conversation with your ex BF. You need to explain him what are your boundaries and how him violating them makes you feel bad. It might even help him if you didn't see each others for a while. I cannot tell you exactly what to do but you need to communicate with him about how his behavior makes you feel. If he tries to argue against it or blame you for making him feel bad, remember you have right to happiness too and you wouldn't have been happy with him.
You did the right thing. You breaking up with him because you realized you are gay is actually a good thing. It will let him have a chance to find someone who can meet his needs, and who's needs he can meet. Selfishness is important. People tend to have a negative view of that word, but it's actually vital. It's important to be selfish sometimes so we can take care of ourselves. It involves self-love. We have to put ourselves first or we can't take care of anyone else. I hope you know you are a beautiful person just as you are. No one is perfect. Try to accept your imperfections and be compassionate to yourself. Think how you would want to treat your very best friend, or a person you love very much. That is the kind of love you deserve. A lot of times we tell ourselves a lot of untrue things about ourselves that make us feel bad. We have to learn to change those ways of thinking to create new positive thinking habits. When you have a negative thought about yourself, replace it with two positive ones. A loved one would deserve nothing but the best, and so do you.
First of all, thank you so much, especially Kaeb. You really wrote exactly what I needed to hear. I don't really know how to react to what just happened today... he tried to ask out a friend of mine, but he wouldn't take no for an answer, and then followed that by acting like some kind of victim- I'm only angry because that friend has a LOT on her shoulders. She does not need him guilt tripping her. And THEN he accused her of just turning him down because she's MY friend. And so now I feel seriously guilty that she has to deal with this. I sent her a message apologizing for his behavior, but..... Honestly, this was freaking me out big time. But I thought about it on my walk home from school and I realized this- once I graduate high school, none of this will matter. These people I see and talk to every day probably won't even remember my name 5 years from now- or care. But you know what does matter? My grades. My art. That's my future. I need to focus on that. I always stayed out of drama for a reason. I could barely focus in math class today because of this- and that's the class I need to be paying the closest attention to. In the end, I'll help him, but when it comes down to it it's HIS choice whether or not he moves on. I can't make him do that. And it's not my fault. Did I hurt him? Yeah, and I've payed my sentence for that. I hated myself so badly that I thought the world would be better off without me. I considered throwing myself in front of a car... But I had to do it. And looking for love will hurt. A lot. I guess he still needs to process that. Am I sorry that I hurt him? Of course I am. But I'm not going to let myself spiral into an abyss of self-hatred and loathing. I've dragged myself out of that abyss too many times already. I'm sick of hating myself. I'm not perfect. But that doesn't make me a monster. Thank you both so much again. Your advice helped me more than I could ever tell you <3
Sounds like he's trying to displace responsibility of his own feelings on others-making people feel guilty. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for his feelings, and that he can't expect you be. He is accountable for his reactions to things, not you. And let me tell you, guilting someone to make them feel bad they turned you down is a terrible way to initiate a relationship. RUN in the other direction as soon as you see someone behaving this way, because they DO NOT know how to manage their emotions or deal with being turned down-which means they're probably not going to know how to handle basic relationship conflict. Those people are not ready for a relationship. It is not fun to be the only person in the relationship who knows how to discuss problems. I can say that from experience. My advice is focus on school, art, and what you love. Focus on YOU. Anybody worth your time will respect your dreams and want you to do well. Wait for that type of person to come around. Someone who won't pressure you to be someone you're not. Who loves you for exactly who you are. You got this.
