My "straight" best friend said he loves me.

Well, I don't know where to start from. I had made a couple of posts before about me and my best friend, who I am deeply in love with. Recently, some events happened and I am more confused than ever. I am in a point where I don't really know what to do with my life.

A couple of months before, around mid December, me and my bf with his other friends went to a concert. After the concert, we went to a bar and started drinking, a lot. We eventually got drunk and I remember that night there at the bar he started saying that I wasn't his best friend and he put his arms around this other friend (he is also a close friend of him) and started saying he was his best friend. I really felt bad because he was obviously doing that on purpose to make me feel like shit. I got mad at him and he eventually apologise with me. We ended up pretty fucked up and he told me I could stay the night at his place.

We arrive to his house and I went to the couch at his living room, but he told me I could sleep at his bed with him. I fell asleep pretty fast. At one point of the night I remember he started hugging me from behind, It felt pretty good so I just pretend I kept sleeping and eventually I fell asleep again with him spooning me. The crazy shit started when he, from the sudden, he abruptly wakes up (he was much more drunk than me) and goes to the bathroom outside his room. I was drunk too, but not drunk enough not to remember what happened after. He enters his room and started to shout at me to get the fuck out of his bed. I kind of didn't know what was happening. He gets around his bed and started to pull me out, I was like: What the fuck are you doing!? calm down!! I got out of the bed and tried to calm him down. He was pushing me and kept saying, Get the fuck out! get the fuck out! then, from the sudden he punched me in the face, and pushed me really hard, I fell down to the floor and he kept punching me several times. I tried to defend myself but it was useless, I was too drunk to realize this was really happening, it was all too weird and strange, It felt like I was in a bad dream, I really didn't felt the punches because of the alcohol I guess. Because of all the noise we were doing, his older brother woke up, entered the room and separated him from me and calm him down. I wasn't drunk anymore after that.

I went to the bathroom to check me out and my face was all fucked up, two black eyes and my forehead was all swollen. His brother called a taxi so I could go home, and so I did. I could have tried to fight back but I couldn't do it. All I did was tried to defend myself. I kept saying to myself, "this isn't happening" but it did. I arrived home and just couldn't hold myself. I got to my room and cried to sleep. The next morning all the questions started to come. Why did he did that?, Why ruin a 10 year friendship for nothing? What was running through his head at that moment? why me? why? just, why?. I got into a deep depression.

After two days I got a message from him, saying basically that he really doesn't know what happened to him or why he hit me, that it was a really weird night and that he feels terrible for what happened, that i am his best friend of all his world and that he doesn't want to loose me, that I am everything to him and my friendship means everything, and that the only thing he can do is ask for my foregiveness and that he understands if I don't speak to him anymore but again, he really doesn't want to loose me.

After a week I replied his message saying that if he wanted to talk, lets meet in a neutral space so we went to the beach and there we talked. Long story short, I forgave him. I think my love for him was greater than my ego and my desire to take revenge against him at that moment. I was really mad at him and part of me is still, but I really didn't want to loose him too you know?

We had bought tickets for a trip to Cuzco for new years along with other friends like 2 month before the incident, so that day, at the beach, we talk if it was a good idea to still go. We agreed to give ourselves another chance so we went to the trip. At the party at new years, we got really drunk (yes, again) and well things got a little out of control, We got into a stupid argument and I just felt I had to get my revenge. I charged against him in front of everybody and then I gave him a just a couple of good punches in the face as well and told him he deserved that and much more for betraying me (after all what he did to me was a betrayal). I almost knock him out with that and his nose started bleeding, I felt really bad at that moment for what I did, our other friends separated us, they didn't know why I did that. He didn't do anything or reacted against me. I saw he went to the hostal room we were all staying, I guess to clean himself and stayed there the whole night.

The next morning he didn't spoke to me at all. Later that day I approach to him and told him I was really sorry for what happened, that I was drunk, and he said that he kind of deserved it.
Fast-forwarding to that particular day,I saw him drinking all alone at this party at another backpacker and I went to him and started to talk about life. he then puts his arms around me and tells me not to worry about what happened the other day. We were sitting in a bench and were really close. I don't know why but I think every time he drinks, he let his gay side flourish, at least with me. There was this silence and then he tells me, looking to the floor, I love you. I asked him, what do you mean by that. He grabbed my face and said again, I FUCKING LOVE YOU, looking at my eyes. I didn't know what to respond. I just wanted to kiss him, but I couldn't do it. He let me go and he was about to go somewhere else but it put my arm around his shoulders and he did the same and we cuddled for a while, saying nothing. I kissed him in his chick and he did the same with me, then I asked, Are we a couple? and he replied after a while, I think so.Nothing happened afterwards because a friend of us came and we pretend we were just talking.


After that day, our friendship has became really weird.

The next day we were looking to stay at another hostel and there was this one that they only had 2 rooms, (we were 4) one with only one bed and the other with 2 beds. My best friend was doing all the arrangements and I supposed he was putting us in the same room with only one bed, but he didn't. I felt pretty confused why he didn't do it. He put me in the bed room with another friend and he went to the other room with only one bed with another friend, the same one he made me feel like shit the other day at the bar. I was feeling jealous, mad at the same time but I got over it. I don't know why he did that, after what we talked the night before.:dry:

Almost 2 months has passed and our relationship is so bizzare, everyting is really weird between us.

We used to go to the gym together almost everyday of the week, now he doesn't want to go and make excuses all day for not going, so I stop insisting. I have been telling him to hang out or go to parties on weekends and he always has something to do regarding his work or plays fool on me saying he would go and he never shows up. I used to go to his place a lot to play video games and now from the sudden he is "so busy" he can't. At the same time, when we chat via facebook, watssap or messages, he calles me "my love" or "baby". In our group chats, he puts in front of other friends that he misses me and that he loves me every time I write something, but everytime I tell him to hang out he can't. Its all really confusing. I mean, I fucking really love this guy, I forgave him for what he did and he is the one that is playing cold turkey now with me, and at the same time he calls me "my love". If he fucking misses me ( I do miss him a lot) why is he doing this? why is he behaving like this? I don't know why he is being so distant to me, we used to be so close before. I don't want to loose him.

I really need some advise. I really appreciate your time on reading this post. It really means a lot to me. It's just i don't know how to approach to him now.​

 

Hi everyone! thanks a lot for the advise. I will try to find the moment to talk to him about my feelings but right now it really seems impossible. He won't confront me. What I am doing now is just giving him some space and will see what happens. It really sucks. About how he identifies, I have never talked about that with him but I think he is in denial. I mean, he says he likes girls, the only moments when he gets gay or seems attracted to boys is when he is drunk and it is with me, at least that is what I know. I really want to talk to him about his sexuality but I am too afraid I will scare him of inferring to him that he likes boys also. From all the time I know him, I am aware that he had only one girlfriend, they didn't last very long. No more than 1 year and it was 4 years ago. We are now 22, both of us. He has kissed several girls tho. I've seen also that in all the time I know my friend, a lot of "attractive" girls have been pursuing him and my friend knowing that, did nothing, eventually those girls stop trying with him. I am also aware that he had lied saying that he had sex with one girl and later on I found out that he didn't do it. Not going so far, there was this girl at our hostal at Cusco that wanted to hook up with him, she took him to her room and he invented an excuse to escape from her. He told me he had sex with her but I knew he didn't because my best friend's cousin was there with me and she got a text from my buddy saying "Pleaase help, this girl wants to rape me!".

I kind of know he might suspect I am gay, I mean, I never had a girlfriend before and he never, in all this 10 years, has seen me with one. I tried to experiment with one close female friend but I couldn't get too far with that. She knows I like my best friend because I told her that one night I was drunk. Bad idea. because she is also friends with him.

Anyways, thanks everyone for your support!

 

Thanks again for the replies

From all the time I knew him, he never put a single hand to anybody or to me, we never had this kind of physical fights before. He was the most chill, nonviolent person I've ever know. I always thought he would be the last person that would hit somebody, and would never imagine in my life that person would be me. I am so upset for that. I am also against violence and that is why I forgave him as well because after all, he is still my best friend. I don't know what happened to me when I hit him back, I never did that to anybody and never got into a fight before. I am not a violent person but I let my feelings an anger beat me at that moment me and well, after all, I was still hurt and confused for what he did to me, specially if when had been best friends for all that time. he deserved it, kind of. Never the less, I've did been noticing, before he puts his hands on me that night, that he had been acting differently in general, having an irritating attitude mostly all the time, getting mad easily for stupid things that doesn't matter, etc.

In all my life, I really never loved anybody or cared enough for someone as I do for him, We have a really strong bond I really can't run away from him or just forget him that easily. Our bond is too strong. We had been friends since junior high and best friends since high school, went through too many things together it is almost impossible for me to forget him. He has always been really loving, close and caring to me, like no one ever did, he is more than a brother to me. We used to talk almost every day and hang out a lot. Even my parents consider him as part of my family (well they are really pissed with him for what happened now). It is just so weird that this is happening, his behavior against me has changed almost radically in such a short time. it just saddens me :icon_sad: It feels now like walking in a minefield whenever treating with him.

I am pretty sure he might me be also struggling with his sexuality as well. More than before. He might be bisexual because I know he likes girls as well, but lately he has been acting really weird on that subject. He recently wrote to me saying that he missed me a lot (again) and that he was dating a really hot girl from his work and that's why he had been so busy (probably a lie to get me jealous, I don't now,) I'll just give him some time and see what happens. I really want to talk to him and have that conversation but I think I have to find the moment and not rush it, it is a really delicate situation. The thing is that in my country, specially in my society, homosexuality is not well seen, we live in a very conservative one. His family is very catholic as well so that doesn't help. Homosexual behavior is seen mostly as a mental disorder, and going out of the closet here is practically social suicide, so that plays really hard against him too.

 

I really would not mind having a romantic relationship with him, I mean, I would love that to happen, it is kind of like my dream, but I don't know how to approach now. I also wouldn't mind if at the end he doesn't want that, and all he wants is my friendship. The only thing I don't want to happen is to loose him completely. As I said before he has been acting really weird. Last week he called me and told me if I wanted to go to the movies with another girlfriend we have in common. I said yes of course. The next day we were supposed to meet up he canceled at the last minute saying he was at work meeting and couldn't make it. I told him straight that he can't be doing that and letting your friends down like that. He said he was sorry but didn't want to fuck up things at work. I was really sad and disappointed because I was looking forward to talk to him about how things had been going between us. I really need an action plan to confront him. But how?

 

Well last weekend I found him at a party. I had this feeling that he might be there so I went. I confronted him and asked him what was going on. It didn't went very well. I asked him directly why he was being so evasive with me all this summer and he said "not only with you". Then I continued asking, dude I've seen you on facebook hanging around with a lot of people, everytime I tried to talk to you had been really weird, after new years you had been kind of flirty with me and then when I asked you to hang out you never could, then you start being really cold and evasive with me all of a sudden, what is wrong with you? " What do you want from me? You are acting like my girlfriend, you are the only one of my friends that is acting like a bitch, I've been busy, i am sorry." Dude, you are my best friend, I know you are working and you are actually busy but you always had time to hang out whenever you could and now you have been acting different with me, you have gone cold. "What do you want from me?" So there I was, I didn't know what to answer so I thought for a bit and replied, I just want things to be like there were before our incident, we used to be very close and now I just feel you distant, it is like you are a stranger to me, and it hurts. "i am sorry man, it is just that i feel i don't deserve you. You are always so good with me and I haven't been the best mate with you, I don't understand it. Also, I am really busy at work, my life has changed, I am dating a girl from work and I only had time for her and my work, so try to understand that. You don't seem very happy for me." At this point I was devastaded, I told him that I didn't now and that if that is true then I am really happy for him. I told him that I was only trying to fix things after our incident and that he wasn't helping with that. He said that another reason that we haven't hanged out is that our circule of friends has changed, well I thing that is bullshit because our friendship was strong enough to break those circules, I have hanged out with his college friends several times and all good, I am friends of them too. He is just putting excuses not to see us. He is being so shady. He said he has been dating her for like 3 month and he doesn't want to say her name or present her to me, all this situation is geting weirder and weirder. He also said that as soon as our main circule of friends gather up again (some of us are studying abroad) everyting woulg go back to normal and it sucks that he doesn't have time for anything. Now I ask to you guys, what is going on?? it really hurts all of this, I love him, he supposely loves me back, now that i confronted him he acts distant, not close as before, as if he has forgotten everything we lived together. He is definitely not te same with me, and in such a short time. What should I do now? let him go? Should I give him more space? Because I gave him a month before confroning him.