Me and my best friend each met online, so I guess you could call her an ‘Internet friend’. We’ve known each other for 4+ years now, we regularly skype and chat, we only just started to meet in person around 5 months ago. Since then we’ve hung out 4 times, the last two being the longest as we stayed at each other’s places for 3 days. I’ve always felt this special way towards her, I didn’t really know this until I started to become more honest with myself and realise that I might be attracted to girls, I’m still very confused and even questioning the idea of being male. She’s the only person I’ve ever told my true feelings about my identity and confusion to, since we are very, very close. My friend, on the other hand, is very adamant that she’s straight as anyone can be and for a while I believed that. This last time we spent together was magical, since we both finally felt more comfortable speaking face to face instead of just through a phone or computer, we suddenly got even closer than before, if that was even possible. And before I start explaining why, I know that because we rarely get to ‘touch’ each other, or be physically close, we would overdo certain things. The night we had together last was very different to how they’ve been before, the majority of the night all we did was lay on the bed and cuddle, she played with my hair and despite the stuff we wanted to do (such as watch TV, play games, etc) neither of us would move. As the night moved on and as we each got sleepy, we didn’t move, we fell asleep together, holding hands and pretty much spooning. In that time she’d kissed my cheek and put her arm around me too. It was then I realised that my feelings for her were true, butterflies danced in my stomach and I’ve never felt so relaxed and happy with another person in my life. The next day all we did was hug, cuddle and just be physically close to each other. The last hour or two we spent together we fell asleep again, with each other, hugging. The thing is, she’s always given me mixed signals, one day I feel like I’ll never have a chance with her and that she’ll never be into a girl like me, a girl at all in fact, the next I feel like she’ll fall in love with me at any second. Ever since the last time we hung out, neither of us will shut up about the fact that we ‘spooned’ and certain things like that, nor will we stop laughing about how ‘gay’ we probably looked, a harmful joke. She keeps talking about how we only did it because it was comfortable, she is really going over the top saying that and almost trying to prove something, I just agree and laugh, even though we said we’d probably do the same next time. She even says, “That’s just our thing now.” As if cuddling with your best friend is normal. It’s as if at the time, she made excuses up to just come and lie with me, hug me etc, I mean I did too but my feelings are knowingly different to hers. I’m just not sure what to do, all I want to know is how she really feels, I know I’d eventually move on if she wasn’t feeling the same, I’d love to ask her or even tell her my feelings and confess, but I can’t lose her. Please help me.[/SIZE]
