Married, contemplating divorce? Advice?

I think that you should have a long talk with your wife. She explained to you that she's asexual, right? If she told you that, then she obviously trusts you. Maybe you could reflect on it yourself. Depending which age your kids are at, maybe you could discuss it to them. This must be a hard thing to deal with. Having conflict between your family and your sexuality. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your wife is there anyone else you can talk to. Sometimes it's nice to have someone else who can help you with this. Maybe you can discuss your feelings about this. You should try to have more communication with you and your family. I can't say much since I've never been in such a situation, but I hope that I could be of help.

 

I think you're going to need to tell her. She was open with you, and now you should do the same for her. A divorce between a couple that still cares about each other will be hard, but it will be much easier than a messy one between two people who have grown to hate each other. If you're honest now, maybe it will never get to the point of resentment. Since you both care about each other, I don't see why you couldn't still be close while raising your kids together. Then you could live the life you want with someone who wants the same things, and she can do the same.

 

It really sounds like divorce is your only option if you want to be happy in the longterm. You couldn't be any less sexually compatible, and an open relationship is off the table, so it's really a only a question of when you decide to do it.

Why would she out you? Do you think she'd be shitty enough to do that if you asked her not to? I agree with the others that it sounds like you should talk to her. She trusted you with her stuff, so you should trust her with yours.

You know your situation best though. If you really think she'll be awful about it, it might be worth waiting.

 

Hi,

Congratulations on coming out to yourself as gay. It takes tremendous courage to be able to accept that you are gay at midlife. I agree that divorce appears to be the right thing since you are gay, since you won't be able to live authentically as a gay man while married. It would be best to be upfront with your wife about your sexuality. This thread may be be helpful regarding things to keep in mind as you come out to your wife - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/205538-married-gay.html#post2970194

Was your wife diagnosed as asexual by a therapist? Are you seeing an individual or couples therapist as follow up? If so, it may be helpful to engage these resources as you come out to your wife.

While it's natural to feel guilty about breaking up the family, try to look at this from the perspective that you are redefining the family structure because you are separating from your wife.

HTH

PS - I think you may want to check out the LGBT Later in Life section. There are many people who realized they are bisexual/gay at midlife (including me).

 

If you didn't out your wife, I doubt she'll out you. She obviously trusts you and I think it shows that you can trust her, also. Good luck!

 

I just came out to my wife a couple of days ago (I'm 44), but that's another story. But already we've been researching marriage councilors and have an appointment on the books. At least at that point you have a mediator to help you both process everything.

Therapy can sound scary too if you haven't tried it, but it can really help.

 

Getting a therapist for yourself is a great first step. Hopefully you were able to find an LGBT therapist or one with LGBT experience, who can help prepare you for coming out to your wife. My guess is that your wife might bring up asexuality and the lack of sex when you come out, so you'll need to be prepared to explain to your wife that your sexuality is not caused by a lack of sex at home (though in full disclosure regular sex does reinforce denial and allows you to fool yourself that you are straight).

While asexuality is real and can be diagnosed by therapists according to accepted DSM criteria, there's also a self-help movement regarding asexuality that's not as scientifically rigorous. To complicate matters, a reduced interest in sex is often a symptom of some other underlying problem, but is often erroneously attributed to asexuality. Your wife would be better served by seeing a therapist so her situation can be professionally diagnosed if you can find a way to make that suggestion.

HTH

 

Here's why it's not your wife's fault that you are gay. Your sexual orientation was determined long before you met your wife. You were born as a Kinsey 5 bisexual; you did not choose to become gay later in life (if anybody tells you that your sexuality is a choice run away fast). Because of messages from society and other sources that being gay is bad or wrong, you were compelled to want a "normal" life and deny your sexuality. Since you were acting in response to this anti-gay conditioning, it's only natural that you would react the way that you did by denying your sexuality. Therefore don't blame yourself for your denial; you are a product of your environment. Each of us has our own timeline for discovering ourselves on the journey towards authenticity.

Having said that, you are correct that infrequent sex contributed to your coming out, but it didn't make you gay. You were already gay. Like a Michelangelo sculpture, you were already gay in the marble and infrequent sex allowed you to discover yourself. Regular sex reinforces denial and allows you to fool yourself that you are straight. I began to question my own sexuality after sex with my wife decreased.

HTH

 

So Bluesteel, what happened with the rest of your story? I came out to my wife four weeks ago, and she too has played the no relationships outside the marriage card.