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Is it obvious?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by StraightWoman, Feb 18, 2016.

  1. StraightWoman

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    A guy at work has been periodically messaging, chatting, asking me to go to happy hour for about four months. When he started trying to chat me up I was dating another guy, so I didn't think much of it and kind of blew him off. I also thought he was gay the first time I met him but then knew he had had a child with a girlfriend.

    A month ago he told me he liked me, thought I was pretty, and wanted to hook up. I was sort of surprised because I thought he was still with baby mama. He told me he and baby mama had broken up over a year ago but were still good friends. He said there was no intention of getting back together on either side and suggested we go out a few times and see, as we both said we wouldn't rush into anything. We also started an office/text flirtation but when I invited him to my place one night to go swimming, he declined. We "made out" in the car during lunch one day...but the kissing felt kinda weak and passionless. More romantic than sexual.

    A month later, still no date, but still attempts at sexting and text flirting. I was starting to feel like he was more interested in the fantasy than the reality, despite what he said about wanting to go out, and I suggested two or three dates/get togethes over the course of the month but he's never agreed. Yet he would spend hours texting and trying very hard to get me to sext, send him pics, etc. I eventually told him I thought we should get to know each other in person, not over text. He kept saying he was just so busy. Weekends were filling up, he had other responsibilities, etc.

    Fast forward now and we have gone to happy hour. Once. Not a date. He didn't offer to pay. Over the course of the hour we were together he made the following comments:

    1) "The male barista at Starbucks today told me he was going to give me his number. I told him I'm not gay."
    2) "Apparently my outfit is gay."
    3) "I think my mom wanted me to be gay, so she put me in ballet class as a kid."
    4) "I don't use that stuff because it's bad for my pores."
    5) "I can't eat that -- it's almost swimsuit season."
    6) Comments about his "girly" voice
    7) Comments about his lady legs.
    8) "I'm to pretty to be stressed at work."
    9) "Those politicians who want to pray the gay away."

    At the end of the happy hour we hugged. We didn't kiss. And as soon as we parted ways he started up the flirty texting again. Five minutes after we spent an hour together in person!!

    Despite the fact that he's dated several women, lived with several women, clearly has had sex with women to have a child, and even has an openly gay sister, has expressed his interest in me, has sexted with me, told me he's wanted to go out, invited me to make out in the car, etc., is it just obvious that this guy is gay and in the closet? What kind of straight guy would rather sext than come hang out in person? Or take a whole month to find a time to get together? And all those comments within one 60 minute happy hour?

    Yet we still text and have some great conversations. Have a ton in common, so many of the same interests (including, perhaps, an interest in men!), have the same sense of humor, values, close in age, etc. By normal standards, we are a perfect match!!!

    Is he gay or just not that into me?

    I really like this guy as a person and would like to be close with him even as a friend because it's rare I have this much in common with someone or enjoy someone's company so much.

    I wouldn't flat out ask him if he was gay because he says he is not but I also feel like I'm being played or fooled. Any advice on how to handle this situation?

    And again, is he gay or just not that into me?
     
  2. Euler

    Regular Member

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    I'm sorry to say this but we cannot really tell. Things you described are consistent with being in denial but then again his behavior is also consistent with psychological issues along the emotional axis.

    Unless he is working through the week-ends getting together is just a prioritization issue. I suggest you tell him that you don't feel like he is really into you because he rather texts than sees you in person and that for that reason you don't really think it's working between you two.
     
  3. cakepiecookie

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    It's impossible to say for sure, but it does sound like he could be gay. When I was closeted, I'd find weird ways to drop hints and bring gay topics into the conversation, I guess because there was part of me that was desperate to come out, so it leaked out in other ways. I'd also flirt and try to act straight, but was all talk and no action.

    Gay or not, it sounds like he's wasting your time. If people are sending mixed-messages, it's a sign that they don't know what they want. Don't let him mess you around. Genuinely interested people don't do that. Ignore his flirting and just be friends (if you can).