So, my girlfriend and I are in a LDR and have been dating for about 16 months. We've known each other for about 7 years, besides. Things were pretty good for a while until she got sick around mid-december. I hardly heard from her then but I didn't think much of it at the time. She sent me a sweet message along with some Christmas gifts but aside from that, there was very little communication. My first red flag was around new year's eve. I suggested we watch a movie or something and she said she was probably working that day. That's fine, I wasn't going to push it, but I couldn't help but notice on new year's she was up all night posting pictures she was drawing and didn't really speak to me aside from showing me a drawing. But even then, she didn't acknowledge my response to it. Since then it's just gotten worse. I've tried to message her consistently and keep communication lines open, but she still rarely talks. I feel like we have one decently sized conversation once a month now. I even out and out told her I missed her and to talk to me once she got online and I never received an answer to that. I saw her online elsewhere chatting and tried again with a more normal "hi" to which she responded to pretty fast and made no indication of having seen my more vulnerable request. I don't want to be clingy and i don't want to have to force her to talk to me. She'l has a strange work schedule and I've tried to be understanding at the lack of communication, but I haven't been happy with this arrangement and felt on the verge of giving up for the past few weeks. I want to think she's just been busy and isn't intentionally ignoring me (she's not the type) but at the same time I do feel taken for granted. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to hear from my girlfriend a couple of times a week and not have to chase her down for it. With that background info, here's my question for you all: what's a good way of opening a dialogue on this without sounding accusatory? I want to believe this is all just a series of bad timings playing on my mental state, but I need to let her know I'm not happy before I start feeling resentful and thinking the only solution is to break up. I've tried telling her that it feels like we haven't talked in a while so we should make plans but after watching a movie or something it goes right back into hardly hearing from her for several weeks. I'm upset about this. I need to let her know this in no uncertain terms but I don't want her to feel attacked in the process. It's entirely possible she legitimately sees nothing wrong with this lack of contact, knowing her, but this has gotten very difficult for me to handle. I can't talk to my friends because my closest ones are also friends with her and it doesn't feel right to put them in that position. Not to mention I'm not out to any family members that could possibly have advice to give. So, anyone have advice? Or am I just overreacting from a byproduct of winter blahs?
I think it's her work schedule that's doing all of this. I would suggest that you wait until she tries to message you, maybe it'll show that she's still interested.
I sympathize with your situation, and I think your feelings are entirely justified. You've noticed that for whatever reason, she's been distant and when you've tried to reach out, she outright ignores you. That's a really terrible thing for a partner to do. How is it possible for a relationship to work if both aren't willing to listen to each other and try to be sensitive to each others' needs, and especially in a long distance relationship. I know you don't want to sound accusatory and that's really mature of you to think about how she would feel. However, sometimes I do feel it is important to be assertive and clearly communicate your thoughts, and given how she's ignored your past messages, I don't think it is possible to get through to her if you don't force a conversation. Do you ever talk on the phone/skype? It is usually better to talk about these things either in person or through voice chat, and not messages. It will force her to respond. If she still tries to ignore you, or doesn't acknowledge your concerns, or worse, blame everything on you, then I'm afraid this relationship isn't going to work out. I hope you two can have a good conversation.
We do talk on Skype sometimes, but we haven't since all this started going down. I figured it was because she had been ill and her voice was recovering. Still, asking for a Skype call may be a good idea now. It's possible her message clients didn't alert her to a new IM, and her phone has had similar issues when I text her. I have phone anxiety, so confronting her about this on that vehicle won't be easy, but it looks like I'm quickly running out of options. Should I just open up with something like "Hey, is everything okay, I can't help but notice we haven't really talked like we used to the past few months, I know you have a weird job schedule but I'm concerned about this." Thanks for your responses guys. I'm feeling less hopeless already just by getting it off my chest.
Yes, I think that's a good way to begin. She could either deny that you guys have been distant, or give a flimsy excuse, or could genuinely apologize (I hope it will be the latter!). If she does deny or give an excuse, then proceed to tell her how you see it differently, and how this makes you feel. Hopefully the conversation will go in the direction of her realizing that things have not been ideal, apologize for neglecting you, and brainstorm how this can be rectified. Let us know how it goes!
