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Is he really Bi and does he love me?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by oraluxjack, Feb 20, 2016.

  1. oraluxjack

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    Greetings everyone.
    This is a long story but i will try to make it as short as possible.
    So i have this one friend... I can call him my best friend cause he really is, we have been hanging out together for some months now but we had so much in common that we became friends really quickly.
    So i think i am a bisexual and i dont really know what he is. We have never talked about such things with each other because i think that he is straight and he thinks im straight too. You would ask me why dont you just tell him that you are bi? Well guys, im afraid i could loose him. He is my only friend and he is my best friend... i would go through a really bad depression if i loose him because i really love him.
    We do a lot of sleepovers, when we had a sleepover back to my place, he asked me what a bisexual was, apparently he didnt know that and i told him that its a person who loves boys and girls, he then said oh okay. When we do sleepovers a his place, we sleep at the same bed because he doesnt have much room but one day he had an empty bed where i could sleep but he told me to sleep together as always instead of me sleeping at the empty bed. When we sleep at the same bed, he puts our pillows far from eachother but this time he didnt put them far, instead he had bringed them close to each other. When we were sleeping he was touching me with his feet on purpose and i wasnt moving because i liked that. When he would take his feet off i would start to touch his and he wouldnt move them either. We talked about our size of penis too a few days ago and i knew he wanted to know some more information about me because he was constantly saying different things but i didnt make the first move because i am afraid.
    What do you think guys? What should i do? I dont wanna loose this friend... i want something to see if he is really a bi or if he isnt... im really confused i just dont know what to do. Thanks for your answers!
     
  2. Eye Shine

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    Sounds like he likes you imo. However, the best way to go about this I would believe would be to tell him that you are bi. It would be the best way to slowly get him to admit that he is bi, he likes you, or both. I honestly don't think a fully straight man could play footsies with another man in the same bed without feeling something. Plus he asked you if what bi meant and you told him. Then you recieved a generic statement. That tells me that he was trying to get you to say that you were bi so it was easier for him to come out yo you, or that he just doesn't feel negative about what a bisexual is.

    Either way my advice would be to tell him you are bisexual and then I would expect him to accept it or probably come out right then too. If he doesn't come out (wow...) then wait a month and ask him if he is bi(maybe gay even). He would either then tell you or not. If he doesn't tell you I would leave it alone at that point since he would have two perfect times to tell you.

    After you both come out to each other then I would evaluate where the relationship could go.

    I don't think it is really possible to lose him in this situation. I would go for it if I were you. I would give you 90 chance of everything working out fine (not perfect...). I would probably give it a higher percent rate of success if I knew which state you were from. Environmental and familial influences can play a big part in someone hiding themselves. A person in a liberal state like California, New York, or Maryland is more likely to come out easily than someone who lives in Michigan, Alabama or dare I say TEXAS.

    Anyway, I hope I helped and feel free to post on my wall if you want to talk. Sounds interesting! I hope everything turns out okay.
     
  3. oraluxjack

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    Hey, thanks for your reply.
    Im sorry to tell you but im not from the USA... I just putted that there because i dont want to talk about my country. Im from a very weird country. People here hate gays and thats why i am afraid of telling him the truth. What if he isnt bi or gay? Then our friendship would probably end there bcause he will hate me and then i would loose my best friend... what do i do?
     
  4. CharacterStudy

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    OK, in that case maybe mention LGBT issues casually, or suggest watching a film (e.g. The Imitation Game - mainstream enough not to 'out' you but a good conversation starter), see how he responds. I find it interesting that he mentioned bisexuality, and he was possibly fishing for your response. If he talks positively about LGBT issues then you may feel safer to mention you are bi.

    I get the impression he may be interested, but given cultural issues it would be wise to be cautious.
     
  5. oraluxjack

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    What kind of things should i mention?
    Do you guys have any idea? What would be a good thing to talk about?
     
  6. Eye Shine

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    Jumping on about what Charaterstudy said if you do watch the Imitation game you could say something along the lines that's sad that that happened to him because he was gay. If he agrees with you then that could confirm that he isn't against gay people.

    You could try talking about other country's and their LGBT news and see what he says.

    The best things to bring up LGBT+ issues without outing yourself and seeing how he reacts would be movies, music, and news (not necessarily your country's news). I think that is the best way to go about it at least. Just bring it up subtly and don't go fishing further at any one time. Then he will just brush it off if he doesn't respond well

    I hope this helped somewhat friend!
     
  7. CharacterStudy

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    I think he was fishing when he asked you what bisexuality is - unless there is really a strong likelihood that he didn't know (not sure how visible LGBT issues are in some countries). Because you answered simply something about someone who loves men and women, that immediately signals that you are open and liberal.

    Think about it - some bigoted people would have said 'oh that's sick', or 'disgusting' or whatever. You not only reacted calmly, but you mentioned love, when homophobic people often don't see love as a possibility, they think it's purely a weird 'lust gone wrong'. You did not out yourself, don't worry, but you did signal with beautiful simplicity, where you stood on the issue. So then he got a bit closer to you physically (moving pillows).

    I would watch The Imitation Game, and then, it's a pretty shocking end, I would say after 'It's so awful that people persecuted him for that. I read somewhere that in the UK he's considered a hero now, I guess times are changing.' On its own this won't out you (there were a lot of tearful faces in the cinema I was in) but it will signal your opinion.

    This could, if he responds warmly, move on to things like US marriage for all, and as Eye Shine says, high profile LGBT people (Lady Gaga, Stephen Fry, to cover a wide range!) Be subtle, be prepared to back off.

    Good luck, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you in a country where there is so much risk and homophobia.
     
  8. oraluxjack

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    Hey guys.
    I followed what you told me and today we were at his place and we were discusing things such about the age we first started jerking off etc and the coverstation was going and unexpectly he told me that there are some people that support gays and hangout with them, i told him yeah everyone is different and we should not be concerned about the other person's sexuality and he told me yes that is true, then he told me that he had watched a movie about two gays that loved each other etc and he didnt say something bad about them he was neutral all the time... now guys, i dont know what to do, he has never had a girlfriend as far as i know what do you think? Again, i cant take the risk to tell him that im bi because i am still afraid... should i wait for him to make the first move?
    Thank you
     
  9. Distant Echo

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    It seems he's testing your reaction to LGBT issues....your move...movie time?
     
  10. oraluxjack

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    Yeah that is a good idea but i cant just put a movie out of nowhere like that. He will tell me why did you put this movie and i wont have an excuse...

    ---------- Post added 1st Mar 2016 at 09:39 AM ----------

    Guys just so you can understand. One time we didnt hang out for 3 days straight and i was missing him so bad ... i was missing him like we had 3 years of not seeing each other and not just 3 days. Please understand how important he is to me, what if i told him and them he would tell me not to ever speak to him again? Do you guys know that i would fall in such a great depression? Thats why i am beeing really careful please try to understand me...
     
  11. Euler

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    If you don't wish to disclose your country could you perhaps indicate a greater region or major culture group so that we could get an idea how typical or atypical his behavior is from your cultural point of view.

    Also, I might mention that your emotional dependence to him is worrying to me. Why is it that you don't have other friends? Are you extremely shy? Lack of adequate network of friends is not good and is often indicative of some sort of underlying problem. So if I had to take a guess you probably have some issues, perhaps low self-esteem, depression, societal anxiety or something similar that might make it difficult for you to make friends.
     
  12. oraluxjack

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    That is true. He is my only friend and yes, i think i might have depression and before meeting him i also had social anxiety... That's why i dont want to loose him.
     
  13. Euler

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    Have you considered doing anything about these issues? Can you access mental health services?
     
  14. oraluxjack

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    But why should i do that? I feel OK right now... And about you asking me on how the things are in my country, it's something similar to Russia, where people protest againgst these people.
     
  15. Euler

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    Sooner or later the shit will hit the fan so to speak. If you start working on your issues when you are still feeling OK, you might avoid major problems later on. Imagine how hard it would be if for some reason you didn't see your friend any more. If you have started working on you issues when things were OK it would not feel so bad. And I mean, you your self admitted that you have these issues. They don't really go away on their own.

    Let me rephrase my question. Is your friend's behavior unusual in your culture? For example, in Iran it is not that uncommon for men to kiss each other in the cheek. This is culturally accepted and not indication of homosexuality. Also, about 150 years ago even in the west it was common that male friends were much more affectionate with each other and writing even borderline love letters to each other. This was not homosexual but that that time men were freer to express their emotions to each other.
     
  16. oraluxjack

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    Well, he is really different than our culture. I mean he once told me that someone told him to have anal sex with him but he didnt accept... i think that he told me that on purpose so i could tell him if i liked it or not but im not quite sure about this. I dont know how to test him out, i better wait for him to make the first move. What do you think?
     
  17. oraluxjack

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    Guys i really need your help right now. I think that this guy is making me go crazy. I think about him all the time and i think i have put myself in really big problems. My sort of depression if we could call that it, is making me loose so much weight. I mean i have lost something to 6kg since when i met him and now things are getting really worser. I feel like im not hungry that much and i always leave my food in half when i eat, i feel like tired all the time and i have sleep problems. Guys please tell me what to do and can this go worsier? I mean can this make me anorexic if it continues for long? What do you guys suggest me to do? Thank you very much.
     
  18. Calf

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    Before I say anything else and considering you said a country like Russia, can I just ask would you potentially be at risk of danger if people knew you are bi or gay in your culture? I ask partly because it affects any advise and understanding of your issue but also because if it is the case that you could be at risk of violence you should be careful of your friend being too obvious in trying to get you to come out to him. It may be that he is genuinely interested but I think it may be safer for you to ask him about his sexuality before opening up about yours. Maybe I'm being over cautious but some of the things you have mentioned lead me to believe that this guy could be trying too hard to get you to come out.
     
  19. Gleeko0

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    You are not being overly cautious at all. I strongly support your advice on security.OP should be aware that his friend may also be part of the risk.

    Is he part of a group, politically or socially? Anything that might encourage persecution of LGBTI people?

    Definitely test the grounds before making a decisive move. Ask him first perhaps. Experiment and see howfar he goes.

    It's sad that we must beedo cautious, but this is the worlde we lI've. And it's full of bigots, as it iis of nice people. Your friend may be any. Wishing the best for you!
     
    #19 Gleeko0, Mar 2, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2016
  20. oraluxjack

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    I guess that if people knew i was bi they would probably make fun of me all the time and maybe hit me. I would say that they would hit me im really sure... If i ask him he will defenitly say he is straight.