Warning: Long, Sad, Boring, and Confusing So recently I've noticed that I've been way sadder than usual. And I haven't been able to figure out why. That was until Saturday night when I was at a sleepover and I couldn't sleep. I guess it was because I was in a position where I couldn't move my arm because someone was laying on it with their head on my chest. But it could've been the fact that it was the anniversary of the death of a family member. But as I was laying there at 4 in the morning I went over the events of the night. And I mostly thought about how my girl friends were talking about their relationships. And that made me think about the boy I've been crushing on for 3 years. And how he is straight and doesn't go to my school anymore. Which has made me try to forget him and move on but whenever I try to move on he just pops back into my head. And the worst part about it is that he has a girlfriend. And every time we talk we somehow get to the topic of his girlfriend and how he is head over heels in love with her. Then I tried to think of anything else which was hard but it brought me to the topic of my friends. Which I have to say I'm really lucky to have as many friends as I have. But. There is always a but. I have noticed that some of my friends are always "busy" whenever I ask if they want to hang out. Or they have too much homework or they are doing something that they can't avoid. And then I see 26 minutes later that they posted a photo of them with their friends saying "I'm so happy that we were all free this afternoon to hang out! Now to go home and do nothing. " Which just pisses me off but also wants to know if its something that I've done. Because I know I'm not the best friend and I don't always know what to say or do but I try my best. And I know my friends know that but I guess sometimes they just don't want to deal with my Sh&^. And then I thought about what I was gonna say to my girl friends when they wake up because at this point I was crying. So I was thinking that I could just tell them that I was stressed or something but I knew they wouldn't fall for it. So I just tried to think of something happy, like my family. Which worked... For a while. Until I thought about summer camps and how if I go to Houston I will have to live with very conservative christian family members and how if they find out I'm gay af they will disown me and never help me when I am in need. And this only made me cry harder. But I'm glad that my crying didn't wake my girl friends up because that would've had to make me explain why I'm up at 4 in the morning crying over such little things when I know that people have it so much harder than me. So now I'm sitting here on my computer typing this and procrastinating when I know that I have a lot of work to do. But I also know that I have to talk to someone about this because I have an extremely bad habit of holding my feelings in until I break down. So now I need your help. What do I do? Do I tell my crush my feelings and risk our friendship? What do I do about my homophobic family members? How do I get over the death of a family member? What do I do about my fake friends? And how do I stop my mind from going from one sad thing to the next? Any help is appreciated Thanks, Darker L
