I'm deeply infatuated... *PLEASE READ* (Pretty damn long)

Being 17 and closeted is seriously hard on a love-filled heart.

So recently, I came out to my best friend; I told him straight up that I was gay, and he was okay with it. To be honest, I was hugely surprised: both of us were brought up in an environment that was strictly against homosexuality, but he couldn't care less and remains my friend either way.

Anyways, I no longer doubt the fact that I am romantically attracted to guys rather than girls, but because of that, my heart breaks more and more every day.

Undoubtedly, I've fallen head over heals in love...or infatuation...whatever you want to call it, but I can't gauge whether the guy, let's call him S, is gay or not. (Read my other posts for more context.) In recent history, we were on senior class trip and it just so happened that I had the privilege of rooming with my crush.

That was probably the worst mistake I ever made.

I say that because nothing could have made me more attracted to him than seeing him come out of the shower, his towel loosely thrown over his head, shirtless and in his underwear.

I may not be sexually inclined, but over the course of that trip, there were many instances in which I could not find my heart.

So let's look at an overview of the trip (I remember every moment):

Day 1: We arrive and we're choosing our rooms, now S somehow finds me and begs me to room with him in place of someone else. Compliantly, I accept, cause I didn't want to room with who I was with. Even so, the guy ends up staying in the room and I sleep on the floor, but that's okay cause I'm with my crush, right?

Wrong.

Anyway, that day ends, we enjoy our downtime, he doesn't flirt with me at all (thank goodness) and we go to sleep.

Day 2: We wake up around ten that morning (I wake up earlier to shower) and have breakfast. We chill for a few hours, have lunch, then go visit a cathedral close by. At the cathedral, I'm my usual self, disrespectful, playfully racist, and downright annoying. Anyways, I spend some time with him, but never know what to say, so I say nothing and just follow him around until it's time to leave.

We get back that afternoon and I sleep for a bit before he asks me if I want to watch a movie or something, I accept (we watched the Sherlock special) and we watch it together. Here, I'm DYING inside, trying to STARE at him...but also not, cause that's creepy. Anyways, about halfway through the movie, we get called for dinner.

So we go, I sit down, he sits next to me, and once again my heart's beating like crazy and I'm trying so hard not to cry out in agony, but eventually he gets up to move closer to the TV and I'm left to breathe a little before I finally decide to go back to the room. (Low-key, I was hoping he'd follow me, but that wasn't going to happen.)

I try to sleep until he sort of comes in...

He asked me if I had wanted to finish watching the show and I said yeah and he said I should've asked him to come down...but whatever...

So, that day ends too.

Day 3: I got up at 6:30 that morning...during our break...

So I got up, showered, cleaned myself up, and went and had breakfast, then I came back down and woke up my friend so that he wouldn't be late to go skiing...the other guy, who just so happened to be my crush, was sleeping peacefully on his side and for a second, just a pretty second, I was on cloud nine, but he woke up too...

Those of us who didn't go skiing went to the mall that day...not much to say there. Anyway, we got back to where we were staying around three and then left to go to the spa...my crush just had to sit next to me. Thankfully, I was one of the first to go in and get my massage. So that happens, then we are allowed to go into the pool and hot tub. Me, S, and another friend go into the pool together. In the pool, S enjoys his usual antics of leading me on: he touches my legs on occasion, flicks water at me, initiates footsies and looks at me for extended periods of time. (I touched his dick once...accidentally, just so we're clear.)

So, after a while we move on to the hot tub and talk for a while with the girl who was in there. Now, with my sanity hanging in the balance, S finds it fun to touch me with a little more subtlety as we converse. Eventually, he leaves cause it was too hot and I follow soon after.

The pool was basically empty now and we talked for a while and had breath-holding contests before it was finally time to leave.

Not much else followed, and that day ended on a pleasant note.

Day 4: Nothing much happened that day...I told my best friend I was gay...on Facebook...

Day 5: We went tubing that day and not a lot happened until the evening.

S and I go to the hot tub, cause I really wanted to go. The hot tub was full, but everyone left as we came in. Again, S resorted to his flirtatious disposition, touching my legs fairly inappropriately, flicking water at my face, and staring into my eyes (I swear he could see inside my soul...) After a long while of trying to stand the touching and staring, we start playing footsies for a few minutes before more people join us in the tub. We stay a little longer before he asks me if I want to leave, which I do and we head back inside, only to find ourselves inside an empty sauna... :***:

NO NOTHING HAPPENED!!

It was awkward silence the whole time...

Anyways, after that we head back to the room and have a short-lived argument about who's going to shower first. I shower, get dressed and lie on his bed and start using his laptop, which apparently was totally okay with him. I keep on pestering him about his shower until he finally does. (I was debating reading his Facebook messages, but who does that? That's just rude.) When he comes out of the shower, I'm on another guy's bed. He gets dressed and joins me, putting his legs on top of me. After a while he started kicking me off the bed, but I just kicked back and regained my position...and he replaced his legs on top of me.

There wasn't much more that happened that night and that's basically how the trip ended.

Ever since the trip, he's continued with the winking and footsies...and staring, all of which I believe are pretty clear flirts, but I don't know...I'm dying here cause there's really no way for me to tell whether or not he likes me. What do you guys think? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and if you read the whole thing, hats off to you.

 

Yeah, I don't know...

He seems so enthusiastic every time he sees me, but every time I see him I'm at a loss for words and I end up either ignoring him or speaking fairly rudely...I have no idea how to have a proper conversation with someone I like, so any advice in that area would be greatly appreciated.

I'm pretty sure he's gay, but I'm getting nowhere in our relationship.

 

That's exactly why I don't want to say anything. I can't risk outing myself, plus, I'm afraid that if he knows, he'll start avoiding me.

 

I'm trying to make a friend first. Doing that is the problem; I haven't made a real friend in years, so I really have no idea how. And if I could muster the courage to have a normal conversation with him, I might have some sort of chance of actually developing a relationship with him.

And of course I'd be afraid, the last relationship I was in, the guy used me more than anything. That hurt. I don't want that again.

And Bookreader, personally, I think this is a bit much for a straight guy. I live in a dormitory and I've seen it all. Guys play around, I know that, but then, why make it discreet and trying if that was all it was?