I feel as though my mother resents me. It's the term I just realized fits our situation so well. Every time an issue arises, my mom always mentions what her parents would have done to her because they were so much more cruel than she is. Literally anything. Didn't clean my room 'My mother would have beat me and taken away everything I own' Forgot to clean the litter box because I was at work. 'I would have been grounded and punished' Those are the easiest examples. But it seems to me as though it's more now than ever. It's because we've been discussing what to do about my going to college next year. I will be attending a major university in the next county over. Not even a 30 minute drive. My mom has been wanting me to commute because without me there to work, at least according to her she'll be so much worse off. I've insisted that I want to attend the university because if I commute every day I'll hate it. Everybody else does, and it would be a waste of money when we have a 2 year college in town. She's been upset or resentful of me ever since I said something that in her mind sounded like I had a tone. 'Mom I am going to (insert university) and I will be staying in the dorms' Even tonight, she's said that "I can't believe you said it like that, we haven't even discussed it!" In my head I was like 'um, excuse me? We did. I tried. You did not' Even then, she pulled the 'My parents would have done X' card. "My parents wouldn't have let me take the car. They would say 'you can't take any of the stuff we bought for you over the years' they did that with my sisters. I went to the same college in town." I'm about sick of this. I get she's having a hard time adjusting but I finally realized that she resents me because she's less strict with me than her parents were with her. Which has absolutely nothing to do with me and is in no way my fault. I shouldn't be compared to what her parents would do unless she actually did it. She's done this my entire life since I was little. the "I would have been whipped so hard I was crying, then I would have been whipped for crying!" It's like she's trying to guilt me into doing whatever she wants. I can't stand it. "The way you act, it's like you can't wait to get away from me... I'm a horrible mother... *sobs*" In my head it's like: You're not a horrible mother. But you are right, because I can't wait to get out of the house. Because it's like you've always guilted me for just existing! Growing up, whatever! You've just always resented me because you didn't raise me like you were and I've had it easier in your mind. You resent me for that. And I don't appreciate it. Worst part is. She always does it right before it's time to go to bed. She'll ask me to come in her room for something random then go off on a tangent about this stuff. Then go to sleep peacefully while I'm up trying to cope with this. I suppose what I'm asking for is this. How do I deal with it? I'm leaving for college in the fall whether she likes it or not because I can't stand this anymore. It's more than just what I've described, but this is what the thread is about so... How do I make her see what she's doing is actually driving me away rather than making me want to stay. I can't say that because when I say anything about how she makes me feel it's the "OH I'm a horrible mother!! *sobs*" bit. I'm beginning to wonder if that part is real or just an act. I always thought it was real, but now I'm not sure. I don't care anymore. I mean, I care, I love her. She's my mom and will always be my mom. But I can't subject myself to her constant guilt trips every day. They've grown increasingly frequent over the years.
Your mother is abusive. She may not be physically like her parents were, but abuse can also be emotional. I don't think she resents you for not raising you like she was raised. She's using her own parents as a manipulation tactic to make herself seem like a good parent by comparison. When that doesn't work, she plays the victim, saying that you make her feel like a horrible mother. You don't have to discuss where you'll be living for college. It's your decision. It's pretty clear to me that she's not looking for an adult discussion about it. She wants to manipulate you into the decision that she wants you to make. Leave for college and do it however you want. Be aware that, once you do, you may have to cut off all ties with her. If your uni offers access to counseling services, consider taking advantage of them. In the meantime, do what's best for you. If you have access to counseling now, think about it. Spend as much time out of the house as you can. Recognize your mother's hysterics for what they are—manipulation. If you ever need to talk, I and the rest of the staff here are just a PM away.
I didn't backtrack previous posts to get more info but to me if she resents anything it's possibly resenting how her parents treated her/raised her, possibly the fact that she put her dreams and ideas on hold to obey them/please them. She probably doesn't resent you as much as she's jealous that you have the opportunity to do different and it looks like you're willing to make good use of that opportunity. She's probably pulling the "oh I'm a horrible parent" because she wants to hear that unlike her parents she's actually doing a good job. Which is debatable given the rest.
