Hey guys and gals. I have a bit of a problem and I need help and maybe some advice. I can't get a boyfriend or even find a guy to date and it's really getting me down to the point where I'm not sure if I can even muster the effort to do anything about it. I'm 28, a recent graduate from university and so I still live with my parents on the outskirts of a major British city. I've recently managed to get a new job in the business I want to get into having lost a similar job due to budget cuts approximately one year ago. I hit a real low when I lost that job but I'm slowly regaining my professional confidence. My romantic life is a real source of misery in my life. I have had two boyfriends in my entire life (both of whom are now married - to different guys, I hasten to add) and they were sometime apart but I was with the latter of the two for (on-and-off) five years. We were ready to do the whole swapping rings, moving in etc. and it collapsed. Since then it's been a bit barren. I've been tossed the odd bit of casual sex from a couple of guys (it always felt like pity) and been on the very, very, very, very occasional date but it's been a complete horror show if I'm perfectly honest. I just don't seem to be attractive to guys. I'm not sure what it is that keeps the boys away so effectively. It could be a number of factors - but then I'd just be guessing. I'm a bit of a geek and flutter between extravagant overconfidence and crippling shyness. However, I'm pretty sure it's because I'm not the most attractive guy in the world, mostly because of my weight. I'm about 6ft 1' and weight 210lbs . I've always been ashamed of my body weight as I seem to be perpetually surrounded by thinner, better looking, gay guys to choose from and I've never really managed to fit in with gay culture. I'm pretty sure overweight guys aren't capable of being attractive. (Note. I'm aware that my being fat is my own fault - I am trying) I guess my romantic life is haunted by two very different fears. The first is that I'm just a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I just don't fit in with being gay, I'm pretty masculine and, as I said I don't meet the physical criteria. It feels like I'm permanently stuck outside the "in" groups of thin, happy, bubbly, charming, tanned, twinky gay guys that go through life without a care in the world - why would they? - most of them are so perfect they could be sculpted from marble and placed in a museum. To sum up, I've always been the single one of late, I'm the one standing along in the club when the lights come up when all the better gays guys are couples up and preparing to copulate. I can't honestly say that I don't resent the hell out of them. The other is more sinister. I keep having a flash forward. I see myself as an older man, standing at the bar nursing a drink and being bled for drinks by the young guys that even rejected me when I was in my alleged "prime". I don't want to be the creepy old man. I see myself going back to some flat somewhere, when (if) I eventually get one, evening after evening after evening with just my own... well y'know... in my hand. I fear that I will never really knowing the chance at love again. I fear that, at 28, my best romantic days are over and that I've already missed out on years of fucking, dating, laughing and loving that I should have been doing in my last several years of loneliness. I'm scared that my friends will, as they've started to, couple up, shack up, get married and then have no more time for me I guess things have, on balance, gotten better recently, I just wish I cared about anything else than my crushing loneliness . Thanks for listening, Shane.
Hi Shane, I read your post and I'm drawn to adding my opinion because I think you might perceive me to be one of those gay men who finds fitting in easy but I think my experience and words might offer a different perspective. Hopefully it is of use to you. As a young, slim, tall gay male who gets his fair share of attention from other gay men, I'd say that having a selection of men who find you attractive is a flattering novelty but not something that really helps with finding a relationship if that's what you want. I'm personally someone who values monogamy and dedication and that's what I've stuck to so far. I spent a long time during my recent teen years trawling through sleazy men who wanted to use me for their own pleasure and walk away. They would say things to me I wanted to hear just to further their own short-term agenda before moving on. I went through a few instances of becoming attached before realising their intentions did not match mine and I got really hurt and thought I wouldn't find someone who loved me for me. There was one day when I wondered whether it was my wrong instincts that were leading me down the wrong path. I decided that I would spend time being open to more types of people to test this out. One day I stumbled upon a guy that seemed interesting even though on immediate inspection he wasn't the "perfect" looking guy. I got to know him and fell in love with him. We've been together for around a year and a half now and I love him to bits and I'm so glad that I expanded my horizons beyond superficial fronts and found him. I've had rude remarks about how people are surprised I'm with him, and sometimes I think it's out of jealousy or internalised expectation that people should stick to their own "league". But it doesn't matter because although we share physical attraction we love each other way beyond that. It also taught me that my type was not what I thought I wanted. I thought I wanted confident, flashy, magazine cover worthy men, and they're great and of course there are ones out there who aren't just interested in one night stands, but that was all I experienced. What I realised was that I had a different type, and actually shy, geeky, cute guys are far closer to my personal type. My story is not purposed to brag and show you what you think you're missing. Where I think my story can give you something is that you can realise that being a square and not a circle does not limit you. Okay, it makes the potential pool of people who might consider you way smaller and that can feel shitty, but it has its benefits too. People chasing you because you're attractive feels great for a minute until you get jaded by a realisation that most of them want your body and not you, and eventually you don't know whose romantic attention you get is sincere and whose is self-serving. I'm sure you have so much to offer beyond how much your body fits in with society's definition of attractive. In fact, I know you do. Everyone does and I've learned that. My type is not shared by a majority but it's still my type, and you might be someone's type that's not in the majority but that doesn't mean you aren't someone's type. You may not be with anyone now, and it's easy to look around at people coupled up and buy into the illusion that they're all successful and you're not. But remember that with a little openness and self-love, somewhere down the road you'll meet someone who can appreciate you for what you offer. Also remember that when you look around and see couples, or young gay men getting all the attention, you are only seeing one angle of the picture. Before you work yourself up about it, try your best to remember that you don't know the full story and if you had a different life that you think you want, you would probably realise all the ways you have it good right now. I know the disheartening feeling and it really does suck. It's natural to feel that way. I hope you can find it in yourself to do your best to keep going and give some assurance from within. All the best to you. (*hug*)
Are you serious? I'm sorry to say but that was the most condescending response to anything I've ever read. I particularly enjoyed the humble martyr bit about how the attractive and popular have such a hard time. It must have been so difficult to get all that attention (acting on some of it I assume) and then have the option of settling for your current guy. Sir, I need to make it clear. My complaint with my pitiful life is that I am missing out and there is the real possibility that, in my declining years, the attractive part of the gay world will continue to shun me. I just want the option of being happy with someone who isn't settling, is that too much to ask? Also, I'd ask you to consider that there are men (thankfully we are a sad minority) who would give everything, EVERYTHING, to be in your position for even an evening. I certainly would.
maybe your just exerting so much effort of having a boyfriend try to toned down a bit, stop looking maybe from there he will find you, just a matter of right time on a right person. focus yourself to the things that made you more attractive so that you'll be more than ready when the right time will come for you to have a boyfriend
Reading your post, I get a very strong sense that you are really down on yourself, verging on full on depression. This in turn is probably coloring how you view yourself and others very negatively. The vast majority of gay men are not twinks (most are just average guys) and different people find different things attractive. There are also plenty of masculine gay men around. Also quite a lot of guys who are on the heavy side (bears of various sorts and others). I've known and know guys who are both bigger and heavier than you and were/are in no way twinks - and they're getting laid regularly and/or found relationships. Much the same can be said for guys as old as or older than you. The idea of some sort of 'best years' of your life after which you've missed out is complete nonsense. A big part of this sort of thing is just putting yourself out there and developing the social skills to interact with people. Another part is to aim to have fun, with sex or a possible relationship being icing on the cake, not the whole be all and end all in itself. You might also consider different bars than the ones you've been going to or looking into different venues and ways of meeting people. Does Meetup.com include Great Britain or is there a British equivalent? Is the an LGBT community center in your area? What about LGBT sports teams or leagues? In the US many major cities have some or all of these things. If you look around, you may find lots of options beyond the bars. And if you put some effort into having a good time whether you meet someone or not, it is pretty much a win-win either way. Todd
