I feel I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. I'm quitting my internship because college+work+academic research life has been to much for my head. That without mentioning my boyfriend, which is the subject of this post. We have been together for 6 to 7 months now, and I'm starting to realize that perhaps what we feel for each other isn't what we would call "love" but more like a mix of emotional obsession, which comes from him, and admiration and cowardly, which comes from me. My interpretation of him might come biased since I'm in a very bad moment in my life and I'm usually inclined to see things from a overly negative point of view, specially when I'm the source of negativeness. I feel D is obsessed. When I wake up, at 7 am, we say good morning. And then we proceed to text from 7 to 8 during my commutation to work. When I am too sleepy, or not in the mood, he will complain and drama all over it. After I am in the office I will usually try to tell him I'm busy, and that I'm starting work, even thought I don't have much to do from time to time. He will usually complain, we often fought about it. If I get in the social network, or if anywhere else he sees me online, in a matter of seconds he will text me, or call me, telling me that I am free, further complaining that I am not talking to/texting him when I could be and then its just hell. Drama again. This goes on until I'm out of work, and headed to college. I do usually send him a text telling him I'm ok, asking him how was his day, telling him I'm going to class. That is not enough. From the 1 hour I have to get from work to class, when I am supposedly free, I have to be speaking with him or else I will not avoid complaints or a fight. The 20 minutes break time I have between classes, I also must be speaking with him or else its the same thing all over. These days I just told him "I'm with my friends, I'm sorting out college stuff, so I'm busy now and we can't talk". He went drama all over it and blocked me from the text application. We fight when I go see him during the weekend, because I am there at 3 pm, when I was "suppoed" to be there at 2 pm. We fight because I must go home sooner the next day, because I have college works to do, or simply because I want to for any other reason. He seems to want me present, either by text or in person, 24/7. Or he seems to want to BE present 24/7. Don't get me wrong, I really do like him, he is the sweetest guy I have ever met, but I'm such on a mind wreck right now that I'm not even sure what how to feel about him, myself or anything. I also have urges to be with other guys, all the time, and that deeply disturbs me. Today I had a dream that I was with another guy, and that I was truly happy. And I am certainly sure he was not that guy, because he was also in the dream. THAT was terribly disturbing. Something must be really wrong with me! My current BF tried to break up with me, twice already. The last time, I cried, and he was convinced not to do it. I felt both at the same time relieved and in despair. He tried to break up with me on the argument that he couldn't bear my lack of time and attention anymore, and that he was limiting and suffocating me. He was, and is right! He is not limiting me, but he is suffocating me and I can't give him all the attention he deserves and needs. I was too much of a coward to admit it, I ran from breaking up with him because we'd both get hurt. It seems we are stuck! in the meantime his family gets closer to me, they really like me! so does my family, they really like him! Dealing with this is terrible, as we never had a partner so known and introduced to our families. I had to come and write this all here and let go off some steam, as this is all too much for my head. I don't know what to do about this, I'm lost.
The behavior of your BF is obsessive and by no means normal. I cannot tell you how you really feel towards him but I can tell you that this kind of behavior is sure to put off anyone. Your BF seeks constant validation to your love by demanding attention from you. He most likely has a poor self-esteem. You need to talk to him and tell him about how his behavior makes you feel and that his demands are not normal. He might benefit from therapy. If he is unwilling to deal with this matter then just break up.
That is really worrying behaviour from your BF. That sounds like obsession to me, not 'normal' love, and a lot of emotional manipulation. Has he been slowly isolating you from your friends with this behaviour? Does he make you feel like you're to blame for the arguments? In the UK the controlling behaviour you describe is classed as emotional abuse (it doesn't need to be physically violent to be abusive, although the abuse may become violent as well. Emotional abuse is extremely damaging to you psychologically). Take a look at this: Warning Signs of Abusive Personalities If you feel safe to do so, have a serious talk with him, maybe somewhere where you can get help if it goes badly wrong. He probably needs some help/therapy. If it doesn't improve or he refuses, or tries to blame you then this is a serious red flag and you should break up. As for your family's expectations, talk to them about what is happening. I'd be concerned for my child in a relationship like that. Sensible decent parents want you to be happy.
This guy seems obsessed and clingy. He has some problems that he should talk to someone about. I'm pretty sure you feel suffocated by him. Like what CharacterStudy, I also would suggest talking to your parents.
My family knows him, but they don't take part into my relationship situations in general. Of course, it's important for me and him that my family recognizes him and respects him. It really is welcoming. I truly never believed this would happen in my life, but the relationship I have with my family is very restricted, by myself, because of several situations I'll shortly explain: I live with my grandparents since I was coerced and pressured to leave my mom and dad's home because of my dad's homophobia and because of a deeply rotten and homophobic family structure. I have support from my grandpas, but I don't share details with them. I don't mind not speaking to them about those issues. Now his family is the complete opposite, at least his Grandmother and mother. He shares details with them, and has a closer relationship than I have with my family, in general. What I didn't explain well on my text is that, the family issue, its on his side. I love them, they truly treat me kindly and well. I'm always around and they are always nice to me. They love me too! I just feel plain guilty thinking about ending a relationship like this, because its not only about me and him anymore, its about more people . Matters get even worse when his clingyness prompts me to old addictions, such as excessive porn, which is closely related to me desiring other guys. I am not saying its his fault. This is something on my side, that gets worse because I feel suffocated and controlled. He always tells me he will seek help, and he is looking for a therapist (so am I). But what he says doesn't always seem in line with how he acts; despite promising he will stop being clingy, he still does other clingy things. He drops old habits, and develop new ones! My life is overwhelmed. I don't have time to breath and on top of that I must give my bf time and attention I can't really spare, nor have to give. These past 5 days he stopped with the drama, but he is still clingy, and still demands more attention than I can give. He doesn't accept time is scarce, and I don't accept I have to give up on essential tasks, such as university and work, to dedicated time to a relationship that is giving me more headaches than relaxation. I guess its just how he is, and I was wrong when I asked him to be my bf. ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2016 at 10:27 AM ---------- Certainly, there have been several situations where he attempted emotional manipulation. I never bought it thought. This resulted in more drama, followed by a period of guilt and apologizing. Whats worse, he tells me he will seek help, but still often blames my lack of time and my "individualist" way of being, which comes from the fact that I don't buy his emotional drama attempts to manipulate me. My family knows nothing. its his family I'm worried about, I have lots of consideration for them
If you have a good relationship to his family perhaps you could talk to someone in there? Perhaps his mother or a sibling? If they are normal balanced people they understand that your BF's behavior is a serious issue and might be able to apply pressure for him to seek help with it. I don't think your BF has given very balanced view of the situation to them so it would be good if you also provide them with your side of the story.
I will do just that. In fact, I'm done with this. For the fifth time (or more) he broke up with me. As always, in a cycle. I was talking with a friend from College during my commute back home. I told him via text "hey sweet, I'm going home. We shall talk later. Kisses" He complained, and asked me to give him attention. I immediately told him "I'm with B, speaking about my article. We are sharing ideas, so I can't right now. When I get home we will talk". He freaked out. If my cellphone wasn't in silent mode, I'd have been bombarded. He called me, several times, freaked out over text. I didn't answer him. He said "if you don't answer me, we will break up", conditioning the situation again. Then he said he was done, did a lot of drama, said he was taking his ring off, and that I could dump mine and proceeded to completely ignore me t'ill the next day. Earlier today he acted as if nothing had happened, as if everything was alright between us and he hadn't "broke up" with me. Did try to emotionally control me, in reverse mode, this time saying he couldn't bear making me feel bad anymore, that he was not feeling well and that he'd better back off and leave me alone for a while. Also said I was being "cold" with him, because I was short with my words (for obvious reasons) These two discourses he produced were shaped by an inner objective of exerting influence over my actions, through emotional blackmail. The first one based on conditioning (If I didn't do X he'd break up), and the second discourse based on guilt and empathy placement (I feel so bad about all this, please worry about me and consider how much I care about you). This relationship is over. I will talk to his mother, she is understanding, and she is an amazing person. I will tell her how much I care about him, how wonderful of a person he is because this is true too. Also that he needs help and I will not abandon him during this process, although some distancing at first might help him get over, I don't planon cutting complete contact as long as he gets therapy treatment. I will print the conversations I had with him, those with the emotional blackmail and overall controlling behavior, and explain her everything including that this is not the first time. Although I do believe he really likes me, this doesn't seem like love, and there is malice in those actions. He needs treatment, and help. I was emotionally fooled. Every time I ceded my grounds, he'd proceed to cut off more of my ground in a progressive attempt to shape my actions, to exert control over me. I love this person, as an Human Being. but we can't continue to have this cancerous relationship. I really hope his mother understands me. CharacterStudy was right. I have a close friend that agrees with what you guys said too (I didn't show her the posts, just told her what I thought). My now ex-boyfriend needs professional help, because like this he will never have a happy life. No wonder he had 5 previous relationships that didn't work out, and he is just 25. He told me previous boyfriends justified breaking up because they were "overwhelmed", and had no time for themselves. I guess I can affirm why they felt like that now. He probably acts like that because of one or two previous relationships, but I don't doubt much from his behavior is from himself. He has an aunt that displays the same, but on a much more extreme level and he lived with her, sharing a room for years. I need to hold on to what is left of my sanity and proceed to fix this up, before I go mad myself.
Well, after all, after he "broke up" with me, I decided I'm making sure he doesn't come back from that statement. This is just sad.
I'm going to translate more or less his exact words "X, stop turning it off and answer me" [at this point he was constantly calling me and texting me, after I told him I was going home and I was talking with my friend] "if you turn it off or don't speak to me, I will give up on you" "I'm tired of this" "its over" "this time for real" "I took my ring off" "you can dump yours" "see, now you are free of me. After I get my stuff from you and yours with me, I will exclude you from everything" I said: "really? this is not needed. Stop this please. I'm going home soon, we'll talk." "No, I don't want anymore" "Sorry for ending our relationship through text." "I hope you stay okay. Goodnight" The next day I said good morning, as usual. I thought he would pretend nothing happened, and that he would blame himself, and try to make me feel bad for him, and about all this. Thats absolutely exactly what he did. And he has done that for at least 3 times now. As I explained on the bigger post above, it was all manipulative. The discourses followed a pattern, formed a vicious cycle for controlling whoever is with him. He needs to seek a therapist. It was not a single conversation or situation. This is at least the third of this genre, just more intense. And similar situations arose over and over. He freaked out twice today on phone with me, as I explained things shortly and calmly, and wants to come back with me. Tomorrow I will go to his home and get my stuff, and talk to his mother. His excuses are "I wasn't myself", "I will seek help", "those were dumb reasons for fighting". Well, this is the 10th time I hear this. I sincerely hope he gets better, and gets treatment. I will look after it from afar, as I don't want to abandon someone who was once very important to me, and still is important. I'm not abandoning him, just not being his boyfriend anymore
It went pretty well. I went to his house today, to get my some stuff that I left with him, and to give him back his things too. I spoke to his mother on the phone. There, I spoke around 40 minutes with him alone. I cried a lot, and I'm feeling very very exhausted. We basically had a very long conversation about what went wrong. He admitted that he was wrong, a lot of times, but still denied his controlling behavior in general. He asked me for a second chance, but I explained him that if we went that way we'd just destroy ourselves emotionally as I would be giving him more fuel to continue the abusive behavior. Of course, I worded it in way he could understand it, but in way that it didn't offend him. I was crying for the most part of it. He will seek a therapist, and will recover his routine, which he pretty nullified to live in function of my life, what he explicitly admitted and recognized as an error, including the fact that I told him not to do that. As for my part, I will care for my health, both physical and psychological, and try to recover from all this. We agreed to stay afar for a while. We will not cut contact, but we will avoid it for a few days, and we are going to work our demons alone before ever attempting a relationship between ourselves again. The worst that can happen is that we will become good friends. Perhaps we might get together again, who knows. It was pretty clear for me that we do love each other, we were just loving each other the wrong way perhaps.
Try to tell him that his dramas make you feel bad but that the truth is you don't really have tha time... That or finish that toxic relationship
We did end it. Read my reply before this one. The relationship certainly was toxic, but I have to admit that although it ended I still have lots of feelings for him, and him for me :icon_sad: :tears: Sad that it didn't work
Well, sounds like things are moving to a better direction although it is sad it had to end this way. Hopefully he will follow through the commitment to therapy. It's worrying he is oblivious to his controlling behavioral patterns although they are as clear as day to anyone else.
That seems like A very obsessive Case it's not just now l think he most likely got trust issues and got attention issue's he needs to be the centre of attention and if he's not it dosen't feel right so that impulsive behaviour may explain some thing he could have have a Abadiment issues Matbe you two should sit down and have a chat about the issues in the relationship and see why He feels that way and he also should probably get some counselling if he's that obsessive!
Glad you got out of this, well done. Be careful about being persuaded back into a relationship before he's sorted things out - if ever. As he was still in denial about his obsessive behaviour he wouldn't change, but hopefully therapy will help him understand. Good luck.
