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getting over my "bro/friend crush"

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ECMember, Feb 26, 2016.

  1. ECMember

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    Hey guys,

    scorpiontx91 here again. I just want honest feedback about this issue that's been somewhat been on my mind. If you my whole story(read all my past posts to get a feel for my backstory). Anyway, I had a close friend/bro named Travis. He was a bit younger than me. He was 18 when we first met and I was 22. We were in this recovery program at our college for our alcohol/drug issues. Don't want to harp on alcohol/drug addiction that much but we dealt with in our past.

    I bonded easily with Travis off the bat for the following reasons:
    1. His sponsor is the director of the recovery program we were(I'm part of still) and introduce me to him.
    2. Travis lived in the same housing/apartment as I and we were close when we first met the first couple of times.
    3. Knowing his "past"(and it's a pretty fucked up past he did as a teen in high school with the amount of hard drugs/sex he did), I wanted to look out for him.


    And we went to meetings and things were okay. And then he stopped going to meetings, I felt concerned. I had asked a friend or acquaintance of Travis that I befriended(Travis and his other friends had placed me in some giant ass group text that flooding the shit out of my phone my first semester at the college I attend now). I had learned that Travis was smoking weed and this guy felt concerned. I was slightly shocked but not worried at the time. And then I learned indirectly later from Travis he was smoking weed. Yet, the weed wasn't a big deal.

    Travis kept coming and going in between going to meetings and was "the president" of the student org for recovery and the so-called "face" yet he smoked weed. I didn't know the whole hypocritical shit at the time until later.

    But anyway, I slowly began to chill with Travis again in late October on a whim. I was invited to chill and smoke weed with Travis and his friend Robby(he actually became a better friend than Travis and I still consider him a good friend). So we smoked weed that time, and again and again from there. Wake and bakes and averaging maybe smoking 2-3x a day at times from periods spanning late October 2014-early May 2015.

    I didn't drink with him at the time, but a little later. I was doing controlled drinking at a local bar for a while and then began to drink with Travis.

    And during this time, I began to show affection for him. He did the same. He hugged and embraced me and I felt a sense of "Feeling good"(not really sexual more platonic I can say). I felt acceptance that I had a "little bro" I cared for you can say. I looked out for and wanted to protect from the wicked and bullshit of college you can say. Gradually, those feelings grew and grew slightly into some sexual feelings. It's hard to describe that. Because we hugged a lot and these hugs lasted more than 50 seconds at times. We embraced and said "I love you...." And the most non-sexual affectionate touch was I brushed/ran my hand across his hair in some petting fashion. I felt "Good" you can say and he didn't object. Late April 2015.

    Then I knew Travis was changing whenever shadier people were coming into the picture like this one chick named Jenny who has a drug conviction in Arizona for controlled substances. She was somewhat of a promiscuous girl and my friend Robby didn't like her. And she made unwanted sexual advances towards my friend Robby one night when she was drunk and he didn't like that. This girl has some grudge with me over some bullshit. She claimed I was a "pervert" and brought up some drunk night I had at a party that happen over 15 months ago. I'm no pervert and she's no Mother Theresa herself. She said I was a "pervert" in public and I felt pissed off. And also, I feel that she introduced cocaine to my friend Travis based on two people telling me this(a girl I met this week and my friend Robby).

    And another shady guy I don't like is this other bi sexual guy named Kaleb. He's White Hispanic and early 20s like myself, but he took an interest in Travis that was more sexual than me. He spent a lot of time in Travis's room at night. I alluded that Kaleb and Travis may have had some sexual encounters. Robby and I theorized that. Kaleb appeared to "compete" with me for Travis's affection and attention. I saw Kaleb as a threat to me you know. It's a long story.

    I didn't consider Robby a "threat" because he's straight(100%) and also he was a mutual friend that I actually didn't have a problem with. Yeah, Robby and I talked shit but that was joking. Robby withdrew from our school. He enlisted in the USAF and currently at Lackland AFB doing basic training. He was a good guy and he didn't sugarcoat the truth about Travis during Christmas time last year, that Travis was doing cocaine. How he knew is beyond me? Maybe he saw or heard a rumor or saw a snapchat. And Robby and I mutually agreed that Jenny was the one that introduced Travis to coke.

    I don't like Jenny, she's been like the Yoko Ono that broke up my bromance with Travis you can say. I mean that's a pretty good analogy to say.

    But I'm trying to move on from this shit.

    Robby told me to start from scratch and forget about the stuff with Travis. We did have good and bad times. I told Robby that I won't forget him and Travis(experiences) and stuff. I told Robby I "loved him"(platonic I meant) and I will miss him. He said the same when he called the night before he went to basic training last month.

    So my life, just feels fucked up. Getting over this slump. I was in a borderline bi sexual/codependent/addicted relationship fused with alcohol/weed as the centerfold. I felt to care and love Travis but I getting to alcohol/weed in the mix and regressed into acting like a 18-19 year boy. I felt the need to "redo" my freshman year in the process because my freshman year of college was sad and depressing as I've said here.

    So yeah, I feel it's hard to move on from Travis but I have to.

    I'm sober and got away from the insanity and bullshit from that time.

    As outing myself as a bi Latin guy, I've cruised the "hook up" app I use and found some guys I prefer and stuff. I tell them flat out, I don't drink or drug and if they are not cool with that, then I'm sorry and thanks for your time and move on you know. I want people to accept me as me, and not want me some image of what they want.
     
  2. Calf

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    First off, it sounds like you have really developed as a person in a positive way, as a result of your life experiences. I wouldn't think twice about calling you a friend, given the chance and you shouldn't have a problem meeting people who can take you for you.
    I stopped drinking for about 6 years because of the impact it was having on my life and even now I only have the occasional drink socially. For some backwards reason it is still considered acceptable for people to try and pressure you in to drinking and it's something that did used to annoy me but my friends now know I don't drink and respect that. Just make sure you pick the right friends.
    The bad news and only because I want to be totally honest with you, based on my own experiences you will never fully get over Travis. You had a very close bond, you shared parts of your life that nobody else can understand and that connection will always be there. The fact that you wanted to save Travis from his life, which it seems was not possible will always be a scar on your life but it will fade as you realise that you gave the support you could but he was not in a position to accept it. It was not your fault that you got out of that lifestyle and he didn't. You felt love for him and that love caused you to get hurt. Because of the circumstances you didn't get closure to heal that wound and you probably never will.
    My advise would be to focus on your future relationship with yourself and others without thinking that you have to cut out the love you had for Travis. The good thing about love is that it doesn't run out. Just because you need to reserve some love for your past, doesn't mean you don't have more than enough for your future.
    Thanks for sharing your story, it always helps others when you share.
    I really hope your future is full of happiness and strength.
     
  3. ECMember

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    I really do appreciate the response. I've been getting a lot of feedback from everyone here on this forum. I consider this a second home to me(if you count my AA home group I attend).

    The stuff with Travis was a confusing time in my life. I feel like I was in some co-dependent/borderline bi sexual/bromance that was intertwined with alcohol/marijuana dependence at times. I mean, I was averaging maybe $20-25 on marijuana I was buying alongside whatever he was buying.

    But I "bonded" with him because I tried to look out for in some way. I just hated whenever other people had came into the picture I didn't like or didn't like me, and wanted to be Travis's "best friend." I wasn't jealous, I just hated being shoved down the totem pole alongside Travis's friend Robby. I felt like Robby and I were slowly getting shoved down the totem pole and then up the totem pole of friends at times.

    I've been through a lot with this kid and I still have some feelings for him and it's hard to let go of someone I spent a good chunk of my life.

    People tell me that I need to move the fuck on, I'm trying but it's hurts me that I never got to talk to Travis and at least tell him how I felt about him. I'm not really get all sexual but just tell him I loved him and cared about him and tried to look out for him. I didn't really have all sexual fantasies about him every waking day of my life. They were there, but it was interlaced with platonic/bromance feelings I had about him.
     
  4. Calf

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    I know what you mean and I can relate to it. I was going through a rough patch in my life when I met a guy who changed my life - maybe even saved my life. We met at work and ended up so close that we were like brothers, we spent nearly all our time together, and would do anything for each other. He was straight (most of the time) and it was never going to be anything more than it was but due to external reasons we ended up leaving each others lives. After a couple of years we ended up reuniting on a couple of occasions but not as we were before. I've always wanted to tell him how much he hurt me at times, how he changed my life and how much I loved him but I will probably never get that chance now and we're not those same people. I like to hope that he knows all that stuff anyway but it doesn't make it easier to think he does. I will always love him in that brotherly way and I would still be there for him after all this time if he needed me but my life has moved on and I hope his has.
    Do you still keep in touch with Robby? If there was anything good that came out of the time with Travis I would say he is it.
    Anyway, like I said before sometimes if you want to move on, it's easier to remember someone in the right way, rather than try to forget they were ever in your life.
    I know it's one of those bits of advise that always gets passed around but did you consider writing to him? Even if you never send the letter. I'm talking about old fashioned pen and paper here by the way. Once you've written it do what you want with it. Mail it, keep it, burn it, post it online, tie it to a pigeons leg, whatever you want but it's helped me in the past with unresolved issues. Try it