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Falling out of love

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Anonymouse7, Feb 26, 2016.

  1. Anonymouse7

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    So I started university this year and coming from a really rural area where I knew no other gay people or even of any other gay people despite being out since I was 16 I was really looking forward to meeting more of "my kind", this happened fairly quickly at uni because there were plenty of people from similar backgrounds who were equally excited to meet people like themselves.

    I met a guy after a few weeks when we were drunk on a night out and quickly bonded and ended up kissing in the club and we have been seeing each other ever since and have been a couple for 4 months and were inseparable in the beginning but over the christmas holidays we had a few weeks of not seeing each other and my feeling for him began to fade. At the time I assumed it was just a symptom of how hard I had found coming to terms with my sexuality when I was younger which would make me feel very attracted to guys some days and then very turned off the next etc. I've really made an effort since we came back to try and nurture the relationship, maybe I could have done more, I really don't know. The main issue is that now the period of infatuation and getting to know each other is over we have realised that we have very few shared interests and are really different people in almost every way which kept things interesting in the beginning because we made each other try out new things, however now it just makes it really difficult to find things we can enjoy doing together and finding things to talk about.

    The stage I'm at now is that I just don't feel attracted to him emotionally or physically(although the physical aspect was never a large part for me) and just view him as a really close friend but he doesn't feel the same. I could really use some advice on how to either get things back to where they were because I would want nothing else but I just really don't see it happening. I know I owe it to him to be honest about how I feel and I'm sure he suspects something but I don't want to put him through anything unless I'm certain in what I want to do or how to fix it.

    I realise that this isn't an LGBT exclusive problem but I feel like it was my isolation that made me rush into it so maybe someone else has dealt with a similar situation. I really don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to lie to him because he is a really good friend regardless of how I feel and I've always believed in honesty being the best policy.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    The best relationships are between two people who have the most in common, I'm not talking about clothes and hobbies but deep things like values, hopes for the future, that kind of thing.

    Yes, the oxytocin hormones have worn off, as they always will, and once that happens, it is common projects and common aspirations that still keep you together, absent that, and there is really no use pretending it will last.

    I would be willing to bet that he senses this, and he may even be thinking of a way out that won't hurt you!

    Honesty really is the best policy...
     
  3. YeahpIdk

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    I'm assuming you're still at uni. If so, and even if not, you clearly are not as interested as you were, and that's okay. It's hurtful for the other person, maybe - but it's okay and happens.

    Honesty is definitely the best policy in this situation, when it comes to believing he deserves to be free rather than in a relationship with someone who is so on the fence about staying a couple. I would just frame your wants as being something you need, and not about disliking parts of your relationship. I don't think you need to bring up that you got into a relationship too quickly, unless you feel comfortable doing that, but you could say that you don't feel ready to be committed and want to be honest for fairness.

    There's a possibility that he won't want to be good friends right now, or ever. I don't know what your relationship is like, but if he's really into you, the parting could be hurtful and he could take it personally. In that case, I'd give him some space. Either way, do what feels right for you. Good luck!
     
  4. Anonymouse7

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    Thanks for the replies, I really don't want to hurt him because even though I don't love him I do really care for him and I want him to know that. I can definitely accept that he may no longer want to see me and that it really is his choice how much contact we have afterwards, when we first got together he wanted to take things slow to make sure we weren't rushing into anything which makes me feel really guilty because he tried to protect himself from this and maybe I should have been more cautious as well.

    Could you give me and advice on how to prevent or minimise any damage to his self confidence? I know he isn't as confident as he appears a lot of the time and I don't want him doubting himself over this or blaming himself, even though it is just something that happens it hasn't stopped me feeling incredibly guilty over it and I'd hate for him to blame himself for it.
     
  5. Euler

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    There is a difference between "love" and "being in love". Being in love is temporary chemical state in your brain that lasts up to 2 years. Love on the other hand is more stable and is based on common values, interests and experiences.

    It is clear that you were in love but that has worn off now. Why don't you tell him what you told us? Any reasonable person will understand even if they will feel a little hurt for a while. There are only a handful of personality flaws that warrant feeling that there is something wrong in oneself. In most cases there are just different traits and things which are not very compatible.
     
  6. resu

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    Most people are not going to have their first relationship last forever, so you are not alone. It's far better to address these things early on than get stuck trying to keep things going. Even taking this slowly can't always work out. It's not wrong, and yes it may hurt for a short time.

    You could frame it to him as you want to take a break and still remain friends. You can care deeply for a friend. Some ways of minimizing the damage include trying to pick a time when you two aren't so busy so you can talk face-to-face. You might start by mentioning something positive (i.e. you enjoyed being with him, this was a learning experience, etc.) and then getting into the specifics of why you want to break up. Your description of difficulty finding shared interests or things to talk about is very legitimate, and you should know his personality enough to decide where you can be honest and where it may help to be tactful. In the same way, it's good to also stop and listen to him talk about his own feelings and emotions.

    Don't feel guilty! Even if he feels hurt, if you speak with honesty, he will understand you aren't trying to belittle him.
     
  7. Anonymouse7

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    My only concern is that he can get very emotional very quickly and sometimes that comes out as anger when he can't understand why someone is acting in a way he doesn't like, he has never been violent so that isn't a concern and he usually calms down after a few minutes but I just don't want to provoke that sort of reaction if I can avoid it but as you said I will be the best judge of how to approach it.

    I know it sounds selfish but I am really afraid of losing him as a close friend because I don't think anyone knows me better than he does at uni but I know that he is entirely justified in saying that he doesn't want to see me anymore, I'm just stuck between doing what is right and not risking a really good friendship. I know I'll tell him the truth but it is really difficult regardless.

    We should be meeting up today so I will try and talk to him about it when we have some time alone and really try to explain what I'm feeling and then we can see where we want to go from there, the longer I leave it then the harder he will find it with exams and extra pressure.
     
  8. greatwhale

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    In life, doing what is right will often involve some pain, it could even be tragic in certain circumstances, but it is no less right.

    It is far worse, much, much worse to keep things going when they are past their time, and when things get even more entangled. Think of this as the minor pain of a flu shot versus a full-blown flu, which is preferable?

    He will be hurt, and this may express itself as temporary anger, he may also surprise you and perhaps secretly be relieved. You do indeed run the risk of losing his friendship, again, it is an acceptable risk when weighed against the alternative of a long and drawn out relationship that could potentially constrain you when someone more suited to you appears.

    What I hear of this talk of losing a friend, is losing the comfort you have enjoyed from his friendship, it's important to think clearly about this: value him as a friend, and tell him so, but be clear and be firm, you don't see this becoming something more.
     
  9. bookreader

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    I don't have much to say except, that I hope that he takes it well.
     
  10. Anonymouse7

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    Thank you greatwhale for pointing out the difference between the comfort of his friendship and losing him, it was a really important distinction to make/

    So I spoke to him about it and he appeared to take it well, we both gave each other a few minutes to talk about how we were feeling uninterrupted and he didn't take it personally which was one of my main concerns. We agreed to stay close friends and that we would consider it less of a breakup and more of a transition out of the romantic and sexual parts of our relationship and keeping the closeness and friendship, I really hope we can keep to that but he also said that he hasn't exactly accepted it on an emotional level so we just have to see how it plays out.

    We also agreed to give it a week before we told anyone else to avoid gossip so we could work out what to do without needing to use words like "boyfriend" and "break up" just because they are useful for other people to understand what is going on but they aren't that relevant for us at the moment. He also said that I should let him know if I change my mind at the end of the week so he may still be in denial at some stage although when he asked me if I honestly thought the feeling were going to come back I had to say that I thought this was it which wasn't easy.

    Another thing that he mentioned was that he was afraid that because the next few months will be fairly hard for him that he is afraid he will say things he regrets when he is drunk, I think that there is a chance it could happen with ether of us but we agreed that as long as we stay honest about how we are feeling when we are sober then it will be easy to deal with any mistakes that might happen.

    After all of this we just chilled and chatted as normal in his room and I honestly felt so much relief because I wasn't having to put an effort in to be intimate or romantic and we could really enjoy each others company. He had also mentioned that he felt some relief when I told him because he had suspected something which had made him feel really self conscious around me when he felt pressure to be funny or entertaining which isn't there anymore.

    So far it doesn't look like it could have gone much better but I don't think we are out of the woods yet because if we are still seeing each other a lot he may find it difficult to find the space to move on but the most important thing will be to keep the communication and make sure we are being honest with each other.
     
  11. bookreader

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    Well, I'm glad that he took it well and it was safe. I wish you guys the best!
     
  12. greatwhale

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    I'm glad it turned out as well as could be expected. In time, you will find that having a good friend will far outweigh what you both may have hoped for in a romantic sense.

    Now get out there and find the guy you were meant to be with!
     
  13. Anonymouse7

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    Thank you for all your help everyone! We are still seeing each other fairly regularly and have both appreciated how much easier it is to relax no we have spoken about everything, it feels so good to be able to really enjoy being close friends again without any of the added expectations.

    Fingers crossed for the future, I'm fairly sure that at this stage we can stay friends but I think I need a break to see what I can learn from this relationship to make finding the right person a little easier.

    Thanks again!