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*URGENT NOW LIKE RIGHT NOW* My mom just walked out and I don't know where she is

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MtnFr3sh, Feb 28, 2016.

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  1. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    Okay, I don't really have time for a whole bunch of details. So here are some of the things I said to my friend. in texts/

    My mom took my keys. I can't look for her

    I don't know what to do. I stand up for myself one time and she walks out because "I never thought I would have to leave my own home to get away from my own disrespectful child"

    I can't walk anywhere
    I have the animals to look after... All I did was stand up for myself and say that "You keep holding your mother over my head like she's my mother." And That's what set her off...
    She was upset saying "I DONT CARE. You can just leave me. Go to college, don't care if I end up in a nursing home. GO be as GAAAAY as you want."

    "Don't care if you look stupid with your colored hair, don't care what people think of you because you won't be around to shoulder the shame"
    I don't know where to go, what to do. I just don't know. Should I call the police? She kept saying when she left "I hope I get in a wreck, maybe something will happen"
    I think I should call the police.

    She left her phone here. I can't call her.
     
    #1 MtnFr3sh, Feb 28, 2016
  2. Distant Echo

    Distant Echo
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    Damn. Ummm as hard as this might sound, give her time to cool down. she's probably parked somewhere sulking. I don't know what time it is there? Daylight? Is there anyone you can ask to help, that you can speak to? When you say she's got your keys, you mean car keys? Or house keys? Or both?
    She's done that deliberately to control you. She wants attention and wants you freaking out. Tbh when she gets back, the best thing you can do is be sitting looking very busy. If she gets a strong reaction, she'll do it again (damn, this sounds like I'm talking about a sulky child). If you call the police she will then get to say you're over reacting, making a fool of her etc etc.
    Don't take the bait.
    Just go about doing whatever you would normally be doing...
     
    #2 Distant Echo, Feb 28, 2016
  3. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    She has both my house keys and my car keys. I'ts One in the morning right now...
     
    #3 MtnFr3sh, Feb 28, 2016
  4. Distant Echo

    Distant Echo
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    Ok. So youreally can't go looking for her. I would go to bed...doesn't mean you're going to sleep but go to bed. When she comes back, she'll check on you, pretend to be asleep. Don't give her the reaction she wants...
    Hopefully she puts your keys back when she gets back...if so, wait till she's gone to bed and grab them and secure them. Get copies made ASAP.

    This is a bid to make you feel guilty...don't give her the satisfaction....
     
    #4 Distant Echo, Feb 28, 2016
  5. MaximusMike

    MaximusMike
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    Is there anywhere you know she often frequents in these situations? Perhaps going there (if possible) would be good; I assume you'd have a bike around to get to where she might be.
     
    #5 MaximusMike, Feb 28, 2016
  6. Euler

    Euler
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    There is nothing you can really do about it. Police will not take a missing person report unless she has been missing for 24h or that there is tangible evidence to suggest she has been victim of a crime or otherwise hurt.

    She is being manipulative again. Don't fall for that and when she comes back, don't show her you were worried. Otherwise she starts to pull that sort of stuff you more often. The fact that she took your keys indicates that she did that just to control you.
     
    #6 Euler, Feb 28, 2016
  7. Chip

    Chip
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    I understand how upset and concerned you may be. The important piece to remember here is that this is simply her last-ditch efforts to control you... even though what she's doing is going to backfire and make you resent her.

    Unfortunately, your best choice is going to be to live your life and let her live her life. You can't stop growing, educating yourself, and becoming the person you want to be because your mom isn't competent (or, at least, doesn't want you to believe she's competent) to take care of herself. Ultimately, you're being codependent by allowing her to control you and manipulate you into taking care of her.

    As Euler said, don't show any concern when she returns. Get the keys back. Make copies. Make plans. Continue establishing the boundaries you started to set, and under no circumstances back down from them.

    People with no boundaries who are codependent will do *anything* to break down the boundaries that the other person sets. But if you stand firm... she'll eventually have no choice but to honor your boundaries, or lose connection with you.

    I know this is really hard. It's crucial that you realize you are doing the right thing by setting the boundaries and holding to them. Ultimately, this is about you. You can be compassionate to her within the limits you set, and that's what you need and, ultimately, what she needs as well.
     
    #7 Chip, Feb 28, 2016
  8. Distant Echo

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    Has she returned?
     
    #8 Distant Echo, Feb 29, 2016
  9. Anthemic

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    Your mom is manipulating you. My mom does this too. She's miserable.
     
    #9 Anthemic, Feb 29, 2016
  10. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    She's back, she took my keys because she didn't want me to go out looking for her. She came back and sat in the garage for like an hour. I didn't go check on her. I didn't let her notice I knew she was there.

    Earlier today she said that she was upset that I didn't loose any sleep over her being gone. That the dog waited up on her when I didn't. She cried almost all day today. That's a good idea. I'm getting copes of my car's keys made as soon as I can. But the thing is, the car legally belongs to her and is in her name. I can get a copy of the house key easy.

    I think I've realized all I can do is let her believe she has a hold of me. There doesn't seem to be any other way to live in peace until it's time for me to go off to college.
     
    #10 MtnFr3sh, Feb 29, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2016
  11. Euler

    Euler
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    No, don't give in. Her behavior will become just more clingy and demanding if you give in. Tell her straight that she is being manipulative and abusive and that you are not going to take it anymore. If she throws a tantrum or starts crying and accusing you just tell her you are not going to listen and go to your room or leave the house.

    She is not going to throw you out or anything like that. Realize that she feels dependent on you and will use all tools in her arsenal to keep controlling you to make herself feel comfortable. If you want to help her the best thing to do is not to give in. She needs therapy and if you have the resources you are best advised to get her to treatment.

    Eventually she will adjust although not without a fight. I had the same thing with my mom.
     
    #11 Euler, Mar 1, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2016
  12. FalconBlueSky00

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    Ask her how she expects you will be able to afford to care for her in her old age if you don't go to college. If she really wants you to care for her then she needs to support your education, because if you have to work two full time jobs to pay for medicine and Doctor bills when she gets older she sure isn't going to see you then.

    Everyone is right she's manipulating you, and not protecting either of your futures.
     
    #12 FalconBlueSky00, Mar 1, 2016
  13. I'mStillStanding

    I'mStillStanding
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    Hey,

    My mom is an amazing person and I love her so much. That being said, she knows what buttons to push to get me to give in. I'm 27 and she's still doing this. She cornered me and would not let up till I told her I thought I was gay. She seemed supportive that night. But since she has said things like my gramps is on hospice care and they don't think he will make it much longer and if come out it will kill him, she said I'm not gay just confused because of abuse from my childhood, she even has said God has allowed me to feel this way to get my wife (who I have not come out to yet) in therapy because she needs it or she may hurt herself because of abuse from her childhood. Now I know she loves me, but I think she is saying this so I don't try to get some independence (she lives with me and my wife). The point is take it from me, if you let her continue manipulating you it so only make it harder down the road. Therapy for her would be great, but maybe you should go to. It's hard not to feel responsible for her. But your young, so I'm assuming she is not that old herself, it's ok to want to enjoy your life. I am working through this a similar issue myself, and hope that my therapy (and hers since I convinced her to go as well) will help us both get out of this unhealthy codependent relationship.
     
    #13 I'mStillStanding, Mar 1, 2016
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