Hi guys, A few weeks ago I met this very handsome guy with a great personality (which almost seem too great to be true) on a gay dating app. He's white and apparently a rice queen (which was a term I've never heard from before). He starts off messaging me complimenting my pictures. I thought ''Is this another guy who'll keep asking me for a hook up? cus i'm not interested'', but after talking for a while I got really interested in him. I began to search more information about him on the internet. It was hard but eventually I found a few information about him. But then I had a flashback and start remember that we had talk before a few years ago. Before I had deleted my profile and made another one now. He was also the first person who started a conversation with me. I was freaking out because back then I also really liked him but I deleted my profile because my anxiety/panic attack got scared that he might break my heart once he start to know the real me. But because he started talking to me for the second time after a while ago. I thought maybe he could be the guy i've been waiting for so long. Maybe he would accept me for who I am. Maybe I should open myself up (which has become a very difficult thing for me to do) and give him a chance to get to know me. After asking each other questions he eventually got to see one of my video. And I asked him if I could hear his voice, he said maybe one day.... He told me that he was looking for a asian guy to share his life with. I couldn't be more happy, Just when I thought I have giving up on love. Tears were rolling down from joy. That night I talked to my "best" girl friend about this. Somehow she came across like she didn't really care much about it. She said I should give him a chance to get to know me and tell him everything about myself including the traumatizing experience I had in the past. So I did, and that's where everything went wrong. I told him everything (but I quickly start to freaking out again (because of my anxiety)) so I also told him that I should probably delete my profile. And he gave me his cellphone number. A few days later when I deleted my profile I texted him. And told him what really happend. He starting to send less text messages to me and told me that: "the Asians he meets are always beautiful but arrogant, nice but ugly, average but has a mental health problem". I find this a bit offensive and asked him which one I was lol. But he said he didn't know me well enough. Yet I felt judged by him already, like he already knew which one I was, But didn't want to say it in my face. He didn't message me much anymore, so I asked him if everything was alright. He said I scared him away. I tried to explain to him that i've been through a lot of difficult, traumatizing memories. He kept asking why I was afriad. I had forced myself to tell him everything including that I was starting to have feeling for him. That's when he told me that I should forget about my feelings and that he is going to move to China. That was the last time I ever heard from him. He stopped messaging me. He stopped responding to my messages. Not even when I messaged him if he would like to go out with me. Now i'm filled with regret and beating myself down for having feelings for someone again and get burned again. I cried a few times, wondering about this whole situation. I can't seem to forget about someone I've never met before. I wish I wouldn't fall in love at all or at least not that easily. Where did I go wrong? Should I've been quite and not tell him anything? What can I do about this? Should I find a way to restore everything or just leave him alone? Maybe I deserved all of this (pain)? So many questions are going through my head. I'm starting to think that no one can ever love me and that I will never find love again with the anxiety/panic attack inside of me. I'm sorry if I sounded too dramatic, but sometimes my emotions just gets too overwhelming.
I am going to be blunt here. I would have run away too, though I might have given you the same advice I'm giving you here. Talking about personal traumas after a short time of messaging and then telling them that you have feelings from them is a huge huge red flag indicating emotional problems and/or instability. This kind of baggage is not easy for you or for any potential partner so why would they get involved with someone with such baggage when there are likely to be people without one? You clearly have emotional issues that you absolutely need to address. You will not have a balanced and happy relationship unless they are addressed first. I don't know the exact nature of your trauma but it seems sufficiently serious to warrant consulting a therapist or a psychologist. You seem to have self-esteem and abandonment issues and both are a major drag for any relationship. My advice is, leave him alone. If yo contact him any further he is just going to see you as a creepy stalker which btw you would be if you did it. He clearly indicated that he has no interest in you and you should respect that. He is by no means unique and there are plenty of people better than him. However, it is imperative that you seek professional help in addressing your traumatic past. It clearly influences how you feel and act today and that alone is a reason good enough to seek help. You cannot expect a person you just met to be your personal therapist or take particular interest in your well-being.
I have no personal experience when it comes to dating, but I agree with Euler. You came on too strong, giving all that personal info very early on, would make most run away. You probably need to seek a professional to help with your issues as they definitely seem to be a problem. Also, I would've of ignored him as soon as he said he was a rice queen(that's a big red flag). People who use terms like those usually fetishize the race in question, no one should be reduced to being someone's fetish. I think you're better without that type of person in your life, just look how quickly he went from saying he likes Asian guys to saying that most of them are either arrogant, ugly or crazy. That shows that he has a lack of respect for Asian guys, and only see's them as objects. To summarize: Try and get help for your past trauma and anxiety(i'm in the process of doing the same). He sounded like he fetishizes Asian guys, so he has no respect for them as human beings. So you're better off without him.
I'm not sure you went wrong anywhere. Things didn't work out. He sounds like he considered you a fetish object, and didn't see you as a complete person. That's very unpromising for the possibility of a healthy relationship forming. Maybe you came on too strong, but if that's your style, I'm sure there are potential partners who wouldn't mind. I would recommend just leaving him alone. You certainly didn't deserve to get hurt like this. All you did was talk to the guy. Having a mental illness makes it harder to form and maintain relationships, but not impossible.
Thank you guys for your respons. I guess I should have mentioned, that was only a short version of the story. He did get some time to work it all out. I've noticed that he was losing interest in me after he figured out that our music taste were different (yet he said he wouldn't judge me (but It felt like he was already judging me with the music I like)). I also never told him that I had the flashback and remember him from a few years ago. So I was freaking out (that's what my social anxiety, anxiety attack/panic attack does when someone gets to close to my personal life...I get in a panic mode) when he starting to ask me a lot of personal questions, while I get no personal information out of him. But when he said he was looking for a asian guy to share his life with. For once I felt like I'm wanted by someone. But felt like I had to be honest to him so I told him that we already talked before, and that I wanted to go out with him but couldn't because I was afraid to meet a stranger. I told him that I've been through a lot in my life and that was the reason why i'm so careful about. I told him that I wasn't feeling comfortable being on a gay app and that I would delete my account for personal reasons (my best friend told me to follow my guts so I did). He then said "Why? You're weird, anyways here is my number" So I added him but never answered his question "why". After a few days later I messaged him and we started talking again. He told me that I was a bit too Western (that's also when he started to send less messages to me), I asked him if he had met any other guys who were more asian like (whatever that means)? His respons was "No, all the asians i've met were beautiful but arrogant, nice but ugly and average but had a mental health problem". So I asked him which one I was, he wouldn't answer my question. A few days later I still had no respons from him. I felt like he was only interested in me because of my ethnicity, but somehow felt no interest anymore when he figured I was acting more like a European. So I asked him if everything was alright, He said "you scared me away" I told him that I never ment to scare him away, I was only being careful because of the things i've been through in the past. He kinda forced me to tell him why I was being so careful. So I forced myself to answer his question "why" and told him everything. He said "I'm sorry to hear that", I told him that I care about him. He asked me why and I told him that I started to like him. That when he told me that I should forget about my feeling for him and that he was going to move to China. Now you know the full story in details.
Hi Xvision, I am sorry to hear that it didn't go well with this guy. I agree with some of the other posters have said. It seems that this guy is only interested in your race not in you personally, therefore going into a relationship with him is not a healthy thing to do. You look a very nice and caring person and I think you will find a true love one day. Also, please try to find a specialist to help you with your Anxiety and trauma. Having a mental disorder doesn't mean you wont be able to find the one, but getting help from professional will make much happier in the long run.
Thank you for these kind words and support! I had my first therapist experience around the age of 18 and it was awful, the psychologist was laughing about me at the end of treatment and I had to pay a lot of money. I never went back to her again. But I do notice that things are getting worse the older I get. I'm currently looking for a new psychologist to help me out with these stoked up issues, emotions and traumas. ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2016 at 10:41 PM ---------- Thank you! ^-^ I don't know if I wanna be in a relationship right now.. I want to work on myself first and focus on my job. I need to be comfortable in my own skin before I can love someone else. And if I would ever fall in love again with someone, then I want him to accepts and love me for who I am. Like the way I would embrace and love him for who he is.
Basically the long version does not change my view of the situation. Sure, it sounds like the guy was a fetishist but even if he wasn't your behavior was a huge waving red flag. I'm sorry to hear about your past negative experiences with a psychologist. What happened to you is unacceptable and you should not see such a psychologist. A professional therapist listen and is empathetic to your problems no matter how weird or small they are. Don't give up just because of this one unprofessional one. It's normal that people go through a few therapists before finding the suitable one.
