Dating a stoner

Pretty clear that this is use that falls in the realm of dependence.

So basically, you have three options with the relationship: end it, keep the status quo, or set boundaries and ask for what you need.

What I can tell you is that it is likely there will be no change, or it will get worse, if nothing else happens. I can also tell you it is unlikely he is ready to change.

If it were me, I'd say, basically, 'this isn't working for me. It was a mistake to mislead you. I don't want you to quit for me, so I think the best choice is to end it.'

Honestly, ending it is probably best. Otherwise, for meaningful change to happen, he will have to give it up *and* ditch his friends, and that is unlikely. Cutting down isn't going to work, as there are almost certainly underlying issues that are fueling the behavior.

I hate to be a downer, but you deserve better.

 

Here's the one piece I'll give you to think about: If you truly believe the above, then you need to be prepared to accept him 100% the way he is, without expecting that there will be any level of change. Because to do anything else will be to set yourself up for failure.

From what you've described, this likely means
-- Accepting that his only friends apparently are only interested in getting high, and that common activities seem to surround this activity. This means you'll likely not want to be around his group of friends, and he probably won't enjoy being around yours if he can't be high.
-- Accepting someone who does not have healthy coping skills and uses weed to numb uncomfortable feelings. This generally gets worse over time.
-- Accepting that, very likely, the promise now to never smoke in your shared home won't be honored.
-- And accepting that, most likely, he will continue to choose weed over talking to you, because talking to you about stressful feelings means feeling them, which he's admitted he avoids.

If all of those things are OK with you, then it's a potentially workable relationship.

 

That's actually not true. In the past 5 years, the largest new category of drug for people being admitted to treatment is marijuana, according to the half-dozen treatment centers I've had the opportunity to work. Drew Pinsky (Dr. Drew) has written about the difficulties of maintaining sobriety for people trying to kick serious marijuana dependency.

This appears to be because the marijuana of 2016 is far, far more potent than the marijuana of the 1980s.

Basically, anything that alters dopamine receptors has the potential to be addictive. Now... marijuana is not as addictive as opiates or cocaine or amphetamines, but for those who have a predisposition (either due to childhood, current living, or genetic factors), then the risk is severe.

My guess is that the OP's partner, as described, probably has a dependency problem. This isn't to say that everyone who smokes weed is going to have a problem, but the risk is there.

 

Again, that isn't true, though it was true 30 years ago. If you attend any conference on addiction, speak to any professionals managing treatment centers, or look at the rise in admissions for primary substance abuse for marijuana, the numbers have skyrocketed over the past 5-7 years. The physical withdrawal, according to the clinicians I've spoken to, certainly isn't as strong as it is to opiates, but effects can last close to 6 months, in part because the active agents in marijuana are fat soluble, unlike most of the other commonly-used street drugs.

Certainly there's a psychological component as there is with process addictions such as gambling and computer games, but here there is also a pretty severe impact on the dopamine pathway, which is directly implicated with the reward centers in the brain. There's no question that there's a physical component to addiction to marijuana... though, as I said above, it is certainly less addictive than opiates, amphetamines, or cocaine.

 

Just echoing what Chip said, marijuana isn't as addictive as some other drugs, but it is still addictive. There are some people and small organizations who try to prove the contrary, but their argument is basically about how other drugs are worse, which doesn't prove that marijuana isn't addictive or unhealthy at least to some extent.

 

OK, in the interest of trying to not go too far off-topic in this thread, I'll keep this brief

-- The physical dependence that current varieties of marijuana create can, indeed, be quite strong. There are withdrawal symptoms, and major adaptive changes to the neurotransmission systems caused by chronic marijuana use that can take months to reaccommodate for. This isn't remotely controversial info; it's acknowledged by pretty much everyone in the chemical dependency treatment field. The physical withdrawal symptoms are somewhat different than they are with, say, opiates, but that's a function of how the drug interacts with the neurotransmitters. Nonetheless, there's a distinct physical dependency created in chronic users.

-- The psychological dependency is an issue, as it is with every recreational drug used, including alcohol. More importantly, nearly all forms of addiction arise from acombination of biological, social, and psychological factors, so it's largely irrelevant to try to separate them. It is true, with all addictions, that an overwhelming majority of those suffering with chemical dependency have psychological issues that contribute to the addiction.

In this case, it doesn't matter if the OP's boyfriend has a dependency problem because of psychological issues or because of physical neurotransmitter imbalance issues, or a combination of both; the point is, it appears to be a pretty serious chemical dependency on marijuana that is impacting his quality of life and, almost certainly, will impact the OP's relationship with him.