So I have a problem...I kind of feel like a jackass for thinking this way but its my natural instincts. Me and my gf have been dating for almost 1 year, but we haven't really done much sexually. She has indirectly hinted that she is in love with me but I don't feel the same. I fingered her once and we made out a handful of times in almost a year. I have a hard time having a deep connection with her because we aren't really intimate. I feel like sex/being intimate plays are big part of a relationship. I feel like we are more like friends because of this. I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel that way but I do. I kind of feel like a pervert/jackass for thinking that sex is going to break or make my feelings/relationship...She is demi sexual and I'm bisexual btw. Am I wrong to feel this way? What can I do...?
The question is, do you want to be more intimate? If so, arrange a weekend together, a situation where you will be together overnight, and make a move. It sounds like neither of you is making any effort where that's concerned. If you want sex, you have to let her know.
Initiating it is probably a good idea. Why would you feel bad for wanting to become more intimate with your girlfriend? It is something natural and one of the more beautiful parts of being in a relationship with another person. It's also important to not keeping things inside, intimacy comes in many forms and one of the most important expressions of it lies in talking to each other and sharing your life with her through sharing of stories, fears and being emotionally vulnerable. Much hugs, (*hug*) Eveline
I've tired but it doesn't go past making out. ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2016 at 12:27 AM ---------- We connect in all other forms but just not really intimacy. That's why I view her as a friend more than a lover.
You haven't talked about your situation since March of last year, so I can only base my thoughts on what you said then. I hope you find meaning in my words, I tried to understand what you are going through and spent some time reflecting on your situation because I want to find a way to help. As far as I know, intimacy is developed by breaking down barriers between two people with sex often being considered the ultimate form of intimacy because your bodies become one. A year ago, you had quite a few problems that would hurt your ability to connect with your girlfriend in such a way. You were hurt and felt guilty as a result of you being rejected by your girlfriend's family, you were struggling to accept your sexualities and unsure if you were really sexually attracted to women which must still make you really insecure and afraid, it also must be putting a lot of pressure on you as you must be afraid that you will have to break up with your girlfriend if things don't work out. This might be making you avoidant and also afraid to become closer to your girlfriend for fear of being hurt when you feel forced to break up with her. What makes things even more complicated is that you are or were both depressed which would have reduced your sexual drive and made it harder to become intimate because of your fragile sense of self which comes with depression. Each of these would make it hard by themselves to open up fully to your girlfriend but when combined together it isn't surprising that you feel as you do right now. It's important to understand that it isn't your fault or your girlfriend's, you have both been placed in a really tough situation and it is natural to feel afraid, lost and insecure. However, it is also important that you don't leave things as they are, it is a really unhealthy situation to be in and you have to find a way to start breaking down the barriers and finding ways to start moving forward. The longer you wait, the harder it will become and it must be taking a toll on you in other areas of your life. If you haven't been doing so, talking to a therapist about it together or alone might help you start coping with things a tiny bit better and help you figure out how to take away some of your inhibitions. Another way to go about it is to start talking more and spending more time together. Simple actions such as asking how her day was or holding her hand can have a huge effect on your overall feeling of connection when multiple eufh actions are combined together. You also need to find a way to take away the pressure and understand that this is a journey and it make take you some time to break down all the barriers and truly feel as if you love her and are one with her. Sometimes our fear of a negative outcome can be much more destructive than the outcome itself and your ex-boyfriend's terrible decision to try and drive you away illustrates this well. Ask yourself, if you are holding yourself back because you are afraid and maybe try to undeestand that by holding yourself back you are hurting yourself and your girlfriend much more than you would if you threw caution into the wind and said what needs to be said. I made quite a few assumptions here and I apologize if I got some things wrong. As I said earlier, I just want to help you somehow and my hope is that what I said might have some sort of meaning to you. In the end, this is your life and only you can take the needed actions to change things. I do truly hope you figure things out and you find real happiness and love together, Much love and hugs, (*hug*) Eveline
I think that you guys should talk about everything that has happened over the year. Then you guys can start on a clean slate and see what happens next.
Marriages break up after years of no intimacy all the time, usually there are other problems that lead to this, but sometimes people are just incompatible in that area. It doesn't make you a bad person for wanting a relationship with intimacy, it is a legitement need. There is a lot of pressure for us to feel that we should be able to fix any relationship where there is love, and that sex shouldn't be an important part of our decision making process. I think this come from our ideal of love, that it should conquer all. If you visit the Later In Life forum you will see many people who truly deeply love there wife's and husbands, they love them with almost everything they have except for one important difference. They don't have the ability to be sexual attracted to and intimate with them. It's heart wrenching, but it's a very good example of why intimacy is important in a relationship. It looks like everyone here responding knows you much better than me. I would take there advice and talk with her. Talking about sex is embarrassing and hard but it is very important. She may just not be ready yet, and if that's the case it's worth waiting until she is. You've put a lot into this relationship, don't let it go without trying your hardest to communicate your needs.
It's also possible that she might sense you don't love her as much as she loves you, so she feels sex might be a huge mistake or cause deeper emotional consequences for her knowing it might not be as big of a deal as she wants it to be. It sounds more like you need the sex in order to feel that way, but the idea of it being a gamble might scare her. Do you have any emotional intimacy? Because if not, that might be a way to start before bringing up things further.
I’m not sure what past posts you have seen of mine so I’m sorry if I repeat information that you already know. You aren’t wrong about the barriers. I think that I have barriers ever since the break up with my ex-boyfriend. He has shaped me to put up walls. I have a really hard time letting them go. I don’t really know how to get rid of that tbh. I have walls that I put up without even realizing. They are a second nature for me. I’ve always been fearful to fully trust someone in every aspect. I was falling for my girlfriend harder in the past but this one night she sent me an email which from then made me fearful to trust her I guess…? It had to do with breaking up and me spreading info on her around to people. She sent it without rationally thinking about it because her family was yelling at her side. She didn’t ask me for my side, she went to conclusion that it was me. She later realized what she had done but thinking about this now I think the damage is done in regards to trust I have. I do trust her though but I think this is another reason why I view her more like a friend. Partner wise I think I subconsciously don’t trust her as much as I think I do when I think about it. We have talked about it in the past for a long time but it has been ages since then. I never told anyone about her problems, I actually never talked about her to other people. So I know it wasn’t me. She apologized long ago and she knew she was wrong for blaming me without talking to me first. I forgave her for it but I feel like my thoughts are swaying…I’m starting to realize that I think I didn’t gain back that needed trust since then. I’ve actually gotten past all those past insecurities of mine now :icon_bigg I know now that I am indeed bisexual and I have come to terms with myself so those problem do not exist anymore. Our situation is complicated, that is true. We have a lot of past experiences like our depression. I feel like my depression doesn’t reduce my sexual drive at the moment so that isn’t a current problem with me neither. Maybe it does with her? and that she is also a lot less sexual than me… “However, it is also important that you don't leave things as they are, it is a really unhealthy situation to be in and you have to find a way to start breaking down the barriers and finding ways to start moving forward. The longer you wait, the harder it will become and it must be taking a toll on you in other areas of your life.” I was thinking to myself the same thing, I didn’t know if it was best to leave it alone…It is taking a toll on my relationship with her on my end. I guess I should really go talk to her about that but I honestly don’t know how. I don’t know how to bring up how I feel. I don’t know where to start. I also don’t really know how to bring up my feelings about intimacy without coming off really random and out of nowhere. Or even offensive…how can I tell her she is too unsexual for me without sounding like sex makes it or breaks it…I feel shameful to admit that about something that is just sex related. We don’t spend time with each other often but we do connect well emotionally. We do hold hands and talk like a normal couple asking about our days but I feel like we are a bit distant in other aspects compared to other couples imo? It feels very innocent on the surface when we interact in person so this probably adds to the problem…It feels like our relationship hasn’t really progressed so I’m feeling this way? I’m sorry if I’m rambling and now I’m just spewing out my feelings. Thank you so much for caring and trying to help me! It means a lot to me! :icon_bigg ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2016 at 11:26 PM ---------- We have done that during last year but I feel like past problems are starting to arise on my end... ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2016 at 11:40 PM ---------- Although I am getting responses from other people, your input has helped me as well. Thank you! "There is a lot of pressure for us to feel that we should be able to fix any relationship where there is love, and that sex shouldn't be an important part of our decision making process." I think this is very true. I think I feel like sex shouldn't play a roll in what makes a relationship. I think ever since dating my girlfriend I have conformed to how to thinks more, she "hates sex". The idea of it, because "it is destructive to society, many people kill people for sex." I'm not referring to actual sex with me though, she has said that she wants to lose her virginity to me. I guess I'm scared that her views also transfer to intimacy with me. Sex doesn't play a big roll for her when it comes to love but it does to me... Maybe she really isn't ready and feels scared but I guess I'm bothered now more because I'm running out of patience since it has been a year. I thought I was a pretty patient person too... ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2016 at 11:46 PM ---------- That is a possibility but it doesn't feel like she thinks that after hearing her views on sex with me. We are emotionally intimate but I feel like that's as far as it usually would ever go.
Hey don't be embarrassed sexual activity is just a regular part of a relationship it's not mandatory if you don't feel like your ready tell her. If she loves you which I'm sure she do she'll understand that your not ready if u need anything else let me know!
You guys have got to talk about this. Seriously, there is nothing anyone can tell you that will solve this issue other than sitting down and talking through every single one of your anxiety. You literally have to tell her " I have no idea how to bring this up and I feel very weird talking about it, but I'm afraid that if we don't talk about it then it will get worse" I think you have to be honest with yourself first. For you, sex does make it or break it. There is no shame in that. Sex if important for a lot of people. Be honest to yourself and her about it.
