A Typology of Lovers

Greetings folks,
I am currently attending a 7-week workshop on gay relationships, given by an LGBT organization (REZO) here in Montreal...it has been quite enlightening.

There is a book called Amour, l'exigence à la préférence, by Lucien Auger, which describes 6 types of lovers and how to recognize them. I have certainly recognized myself in a few of these, at various points in my life. I thought it would be good to share these with you as I am certain you may benefit from a deeper understanding of the different types of love that some may prefer at various points in their lives.

1) The game-player: with this type, there are rules, but the prime rule is not to get too emotionally involved. To him or her, love is an agreeable pastime, but he or she will refuse to become in any way dependant on the other. They will often have multiple partners, and will insist that all of them know that it is a game. He or she may cheat with the rules, but he or she may also be completely transparent and clear as to what they want. Such lovers are usually highly self-reliant and have a mastery over their emotions, they are neither jealous nor possessive, their love is superficial and they do not desire any more than that. Such people should avoid the following three types.

2) The erotic lover: this type puts a focus on physical beauty or physical engagement. These types welcome the madness and intensity of immediate attraction. These lovers are able to accurately describe their lover's physical aspects in great detail. When they meet someone who meets their ideal of beauty, they declare an intense emotional attachment. Any blemish or imperfection diminishes their ardour, hence, no amount of compensating character or emotional qualities in the other will convince them that these are more important. They are highly inventive sexually, as it maximizes the intensity of their attraction. The erotic lover wants exclusivity; no open relationships for this guy. They want a deep understanding with one person only. The risks of disappointment are significant in this kind of relationship, they burn fast, and thus burn out fast. They cannot tolerate routine and boredom. A purely erotic love, without the compensating factors of friendship or game-playing will not last long.

3) The lover as friend: This type will take his or her time to know someone. He or she will engage in prolonged contact, with a variety of experiences. It is often difficult to discern what the friend/lover wants (as opposed to the game-player or erotic lover). His feelings are more profound than intense. For this type, love comes naturally, without great passions. Sex will happen when it feels right, it is more about deepening a privileged relationship than just passion. Moving in together will simply be an extension of their friendship, marriage will follow similarly. It is neither a grand and passionate relationship, nor will it lead to tremendous depths of despair, this love is quiet and regular, like glowing embers, it burns slowly. Such lovers are usually reserved about their emotions, they are able to tolerate long absences from each other, without feeling the need to fool around elsewhere, and their faithfulness is a natural extension of their friendship. And even if one does stray, the other will likely overlook it, because of his faith in the depth of this friendship. This type of love seems to the game-player or erotic lover to be intensely boring, and it is important that a lover as friend finds someone of the same temperament, as much as is possible, otherwise, such relationships will eventually fail (if one of the two is of the erotic variety, for example).

4) The maniacal lover: This is the type that gets written about the most in those romantic novels, and indeed, it colours most people's imaginations about what love should be...Such lovers are consumed by their love, there is agitation, insomnia, fever, loss of appetite; all symptoms of a devouring attachment. He is convinced that he is worthless without his love, but paradoxically, he feels he is not worthy of that love. His choice of loved one is often absurd and completely inappropriate, and because he wants to escape this intolerable state, he often makes it worse, hopping from the frying pan into the fire. It is the purest form of a lover's madness, approaching an obsessive psychosis. The key problem with such a lover is his deeply degraded self-esteem, approaching love as a starving person approaching a buffet-table. The erotic lover would be initially attracted to the maniac's intensity, but then immediately rebuffed upon discovering this lack of confidence and self-loathing, often expressed as jealousy. The game-player would not tolerate the possessiveness. Such lovers are willing to do the craziest things, and can be easily exploited. Nevertheless, this is the love-model in western culture and literature that often prevails...

5) The pragmatic lover: This lover is primordially interested in finding a partner who will provide the most benefit at the least cost or inconvenience. He or she will attempt to find a highly compatible person, as similar to themselves as possible. Having established what he or she is seeking, the pragmatic lover will engage in activities that will maximize the chances of finding the "right" person, even if such activities have no intrinsic interest to the seeker. Hence, he or she will abandon such activities when he or she gives up hope of finding someone there. Such lovers will not stubbornly hold on to relationships that don't work, they will sooner break up and resume the search. Such love appears overly rational and devoid of passion, but, as in many arranged marriages, once they find what they are looking for, erotic or game-playing passions may then stir. If erotic love can be considered as a fiercely burning fire, or game-playing love as a fire of small sticks, giving little heat and light, or friendship-love as the glow of burning embers, or maniacal love as a forest fire, pragmatic love is the type of fire that lights slowly, that requires a lot of maintenance but that, at last, can give off the right heat and light.

6) The altruistic lover: This is the type of non-possessive love, such as the appropriate love of parents for children, totally oriented for the benefit of the loved one. No reciprocation is asked for, nor expected. This type of love has religious undertones. Of course, if one accepts that all humans have fundamental and seemingly selfish needs, this type of love does appear impossible. If such love were to be idealized as the "purest" form of love, one could also expect that feelings of guilt would follow from lesser, "selfish" motives. Indeed it would be a kind of neurosis that could signify a deeper fear of letting themselves love, or be loved in a more human sense.

There are, of course, other types and sub-types as well, there are those who are highly independent, for whom a relationship is only one of several other facets of their life. I am sure that the above typologies can also inspire you to discover other sub-types. Nevertheless, the above six types can be considered relatively common.

If you have a hard time understanding your significant other, or if you find their behaviour incomprehensible, you may delve into what their type may be and more importantly what your type may be as well!

Use these types with caution, most people are never purely one thing or another, these types often come in bunches, and they rarely stay the same over time either...

 

Thank you, but I think you are well-served on your side of the pond with Quest

It is indeed very interesting to spend time with 8 other gay guys who are trying to figure all this complicated love stuff in the gay world...as I try to figure it out on my own with my boyfriend...

 

Yes, French is the original language and I don't think there is a translation, but I can recommend another book on gay men's relationships which is excellent and worth reading several times:

10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love, by Joe Kort, Ph.D.

I'm beginning to discover that I am also more the pragmatic type than I am willing to admit...I think my age and experience have pushed me in that direction.

Best of luck!

 

Excellent point, Closeteer! I can see it now, a dating site for the pragmatic, with a tag line such as: No fuss, no muss, just find the right one for you, close by in your area, and take your time!