Why do I "like" this guy?(long story)

Note: This is not going to be another rant or ramble on about my former friend/bro crush Travis. I'm just stating for the record.

Lately, I've been reconnecting with this guy I consider a friend. His name is Edmond. He's a year older than me. He's White, preppy, youngish looking, a bit more wealthier than me. And if everyone knows my whole story and reads my posts, you'd get why that's so important to point out.

We had connected through the so-called "recovery community" on campus. Edmond and I have our own issues with alcohol and such.

We've hung out a few times and just have drank mostly. I think I've referred to some times when we hung out, shit has always hit the fan. We get too drunk or we get into some scuffle.

Then we end up apologizing and making amends. I mean, we aren't angels and we aren't perfect. I mean we are human.

We text somewhat almost every day or so. I give him pet names such as "preppy boy" or "pretty boy" and seems to not mind. I mean when he was in a recent stint in rehab he had the name "fufu" so I suppose "preppy boy" is something he doesn't mind.

We had hanged out last week, we went to a bar(I've said about being in "recovery" but I feel like in-between status still, this is a long story) one night. We stayed till about last call(2AM is last call in Texas). Edmond kept telling me to talk to the girls near us, "to get some." I had mentioned to him, I didn't see those girls as "my type"(they were a bit older than me and looked like Lindsey Lohan wannabes) and I mentioned to him that I "gotten laid" already(well if you all count my "hook up" app flings I've mentioned as "getting laid" that I don't know what is). So Edmond gets a bit more drunk and starts to talk some shit at the bar questioning my masculinity, my sexuality, and such and dares to challenge that I have gotten laid. We were a bit drunk at this point and I did get "cut off" at the bar. I really didn't like that bar because I had one or two shitty experiences already there

Anyway, Edmond and I go back to his place. He's a bit intoxicated and start's to talk shit to me. He is a bit aggressive and knocks the wind out of me. I mean, it was one blow but it was playful but it did hurt my lower gut. And he was drunk. I told him to stop and back away. I alluded to the fact that I've dealt with emotional/physical abuse in my life from people and he had stopped when he came to his senses. He applogized briefly and just played CoD till about 3 or 4 or so then I went back to my place. That was early Wednesday morning.

Wednesday night. I briefly hook up with some guy on a "hook up" app then Edmond texts me to go out again. He feels bad from last night and he promises no "violence and being mean." Drinks are on him(he's pretty wealthy and lives in a 2k/month apartment across from our college). I did text him up earlier that day, I didn't like him treating me like shit and trying to put his hands on me. He just said when he drinks vodka, he gets aggressive. He had texted me on Wednesday night about going out, he wanted me to prove to me that he wasn't this complete asshole when he drinks. So I gave him one last chance to prove himself. And not pressure me to not drink more than I would because he did that the night prior. We went to a different bar and everything was okay.

I mean, I was able to recall I had a Sangria, a few Estrella beers, and a Fireball shot. We left around 150am and went to his place after getting some food to sober up. And we just chilled. Then I split back to my dorm with an Uber ride across the way.

We do get a long okay I can assume. I do have some feelings for him, but I feel in some way he does for. I mean, I get this brief bi vibe from him whenever we hang out. Some of the guys I've hooked up with had seen a picture of Edmond I shared with them had assumed the same way. They think he's bi curious or down low despite him having an off-on thing with his ex-girlfriend and hooking up with girls at bars.

My feelings for Edmond seem confusing:
1. I don't know if he's bi or gay or what. He denies being gay or bi. On a passing of the tongue, I said I was bi but he thinks I'm gay. I told him flat out, "I jacked off to pictures of Shawn Johnson, the Olympic gymnastic chick."
2. He seems to fit my "preference" of good looking, youngish looking White guys, upper-high class.
3. Do I like Edmond as a friend? Or do I like him because he appears to "shower" me affection with money? Money and friendship connection.
4. Is this a "rebound crush" from the whole stuff with Travis?
5. Could Edmond be bi or bi curious? I mean, he asks me if I was gay or bi off the bat I felt he was getting a bit defensive on himself. I mean, I won't mind having sex with him, if he's honest and admit he were gay or bi you know. I did.
6, Do I feel a connection to Edmond as some attempt of trying to "whiten" myself?
7. Why do I feel connected to Edmond in the first place? Is it the friendship? The booze? the money? All three?
8. And why do I have brief sexual thoughts/feelings/fantasies over him at times?
9. Am I trying to replace Travis with this "new crush" I have with Edmond.

Everything seems to be happening way too fast for me.

 

It's complicated. I like him as a friend but he's so inviting to me. I mean, it's like the "bro-version" of Pretty Woman. I mean, I don't see myself as a "whore" but it's just how that guy showered that lady with gifts and affection. I mean, it's a somewhat of a metaphysical stretch comparison.

 

@Euler. Yeah I should've read your post strongly on Tuesday. I fucked up pretty bad with my bro Edmond(or you call him "Eddy")

Edmond and I had decided on Tuesday night to "go out"(aka for drinks of course). Usually, I just tell him not to overdrink and act like an asshole.

He had told me had got trashed pretty bad at a bar that's in the same area as his 2k/month posh apartment on Sunday night, I told to avoid that bar and go to a differenet one.

So we go to a different bar a distance away. We have a few beers and have two Vodka shots. We briefly befriend some guy and invite to hang out with him to another bar. It was about 12:50am and we go to a different bar. And for people outside the USA, "last call"(when the bars stop serving booze) in Texas is 2AM, so we were kind've of in a rush. So we get to the next bar, we get some beers. Edmond and the other guy I get a lot of shots for some liquor pong match. I just chill a bit. We then go to a guy's place and chill. For some odd reason, we ask him about if he can sell us cocaine or weed. I guess we were drunk. We didn't do coke or weed that night. Edmond and that guy get in some argument and leave that guy's place.

So it's about 3am or 4am(I really forget), we are a bit trashed. Edmond makes the "brilliant idea"(looking back, it was a stupid idea) of wanting to "go to the Hill Country" and wants to go "on vacation." I thought he was referring about his upcoming vacation with his family to Hawaii. I thought, so you are inviting me to Hawaii bro. He then referred about the rehab stint at a place in the Hill Country(Texas Hill Country). He wanted me to go with him on a "vacation." So we were a bit buzzed talk about "going on vacation together." I know of the place he was referring to, I asked him well I'll go if you pay for it you know. He said, fine but he just wanted me there with me. But I ask him for a "favor": I'll go on "vacation" if he and I party one more time on Thursday and if he pays for my "vacation" so he agrees on that.

But it was a bit confusing on the car ride up to the hill country and it's 50-60 miles up north from our area, I really didn't know we were going up to this rehab place and especially at 4am or 5am to check in you know. So we pull into around Center Point, Texas and we are near the rural road of the rehab place. We don't check in, we just pass it along the rural road. So Edmond decides to go his parents' country estate(ranch) along the rural road in Center Point, Texas. We stop we get some beers. He tells me to stay quiet and "not wake Buba up." Buba is like some ranchhand or overseer guy. So we get off maybe a few times to get beers and go back to his car. And drive around briefly. Then we run out of gas.

So we are somewhat fucked.

1. The car is out of gas.
2. We are on some bum-fucked rural road out in the Hill Country, Texas out in the early morning hours.
3. We are intoxicated off our asses.

So the logical thing to do, is to stop and ask for assistance to the nearest gas station(petro station for outside USA folks).

We wait for any drivers to stop and give us a ride to a gas station or bring a gas can to fill his car up. We wait and we get some moot responses. This one lady had said, her husband would be some help but it would an another hr wait. So we are somewhat pissed.

We wait and we get some beers we have and drink alongside some wooded, forest off a distance from the car. We are drunk and talk somewhat. We weren't suicidal or anything but it was really weird how I or he had said, "If anything happens, I just want us to be together." Or something like that. And it's raining he had lost his shirt, I offer him my jacket to cover him but he said "it's wierd man."

We get a little close in the forest(emotionally and affectionately). He had called me his best friend somewhere in the forest or on the drive to the hill country. So it was kind've of weird I mean, this is the point of the night that really sticks out. I mean I recall we were saying I'm here for you and I love you. And we get close and briefly kiss. I remember I said, "you know I'm bi." Or something along the lines. And he said, "It's okay." We didn't have sex in the forest but that moment seemed slightly bi or something.

Then we go back to the car and just wait for someone of course. Then we wait. Edmond is a bit drunk and calls his mom for some assistance. He rambles a bit drunk and is freaking me out.

And then shortly after, Edmond tells me "there is the fucking popo(Police) behind us." I thought he was joking, because he jokes a lot. But he told he wasn't. So I duck under my seat, he turns his lights off. He did this trick so they won't see the car. His car is black and we assumed the cops wouldn't see it if it was a dark color. But they did when they shined their high beams on us. So they tap the glass and ask us to lower the windows.

It was Kerr County, Texas sherrifs'

The sherrif deputy had asked us what were doing here. We had explained the car ran out of gas and we were looking for some assistance which that was partially true. The deputy commented that some people had reported us for harassing them or bothering them at their house. Which I call bullshit on, we weren't harassing anyone. Yes we were drunk, but we were drunk and wanting some people to give us some help to give us a ride to a gas station or bring a gas can with gas to fill our car back.

So one deputy tells me to step outside the car, which I comply. I follow him to a sheriffs county svu.He asks me the same story he asked the both of us. He asks how much I drank(this is when shit hits the fan). I say about 3-5 drinks(which was a lie but I was trying to talk my way out of shit). He does a basic sobriety test with a light. My eyes following the light. I assumed, maybe I passed it because I didn't appear to fucked up. He asked me to step outside the svu, and put my hands up. He tells me I'm under arrest for public intoxication. He begins to pat me down and asks if I anything sharp that would poke or hurt him. I tell him no. He begins to ask me, if there was anything illegal in the car(ie. drugs). I said no. So he places me under arrest and hand cuffs me. I didn't know what county or jurisdiction we were at. He said Kerr County, Precinct 2.

At first, I thought I was the only guy getting arrested(and if anyone is familiar with Texas and criminal justice system and race, you'd know why I'm stating that). I thought since this was the Texas Hill Country and since I was the non-White guy and my friend is affluent White, I thought I was going to be the guy getting under the bus. So I had asked the deputy "What about my friend?" He replied back that he was getting arrested to(but there was an hour delay or so when he got to the jail). I arrived first to the jail then Edmond. I got there about 7am, March 9. I don't see a magistrate judge until Thursday, March 10.

Yeah and jail for the most part wasn't that bad. I mean minus the bad food and lack of movement, everyone treated me and Edmond with some respect. I mean 95% of the guys weren't really upstanding citizens nor would they be guys I would want to consider a friend, but they treated us with respect and saw us a man. I mean Edmond was probably the only upper class White guy there. Most of the guys in the holding cell were lower to lower middle class White or Hispanic guys and no Black guys which was weird. Edmond hardly talked to any of the guys in our cell. We did briefly talk somewhat and agreed the night was "Bad" and we can't do thing anymore(drink).

Edmond had originally made some promises while we were in jail:
1. His parents would post our bails/bond us out(if we needed to be bailed out).
2. His parents would give us rides back to San Antonio.

I felt bad because I thought this was a shitty way to meet someone's parents you know. I mean this was the first time I was arrested with someone I considered a friend.

So yesterday morning, we see the magistrate(Justice of the Peace) along with the guys in our holding cell. The magistrate tells us the charge(Public intoxication) and sets our bond: PR Bond $500. PR Bond(Personal Recognizance) just means on your word, you would go to the JP(Justice of the Peace) within X number of days, to pay your fine/plea. So basically, we got a "Free bond" in a sense. Edmond was slightly confused on what a PR bond was, so I explained it to him in our holding cell. So know, he told his parents we were almost getting out.

So know we wait to get released. At this jail, it's one-by-one. I was the first out of the two of us to get. I get my clothes and wallet and misc items from the locker they had my stuff at. I get out and go to the JP office to take of my legal shit. I mean since the drive to Kerville is 60 miles roughly from my area and I don't have a car, I just wanted to take care of it right there and then. Even one of the jailers that got my property of the locker told me, just to take care of right there and then. And the JP office had payment plans, which was cool. And the office was just about 200 feet from the jail.

So I went there. I first asked what the fine amount was: $245 for public intoxication in the Justice of Peace P2. Compared to $560 if it were a municipal court in Kerville, Texas. If it were Kerville Police that arrested me and Edmond, our fine would've been higher basically. So knowing that, I made a plea. "No Contest." I thought about pleading not guilty and working it through the JP court, but I have limited financial resources compared to Edmond.

I know Edmond and his folks, have lawyer(s) and are just going to get this charge wiped/expunged from his record. Looking back, I wished they could've had done this for me, because I feel like Edmond had been a catalyst for shit. I told him that briefly but he said it was a "family lawyer" and if I wanted "fight", I needed a lawyer. But he had told me that PIs are "not a big deal." That is actually correct actually, Public Intoxication is a class C misdemeanor in the state of Texas. Though they are some class Cs you don't want on your record(like domestic violence and disorderly conduct) that can fuck your chances in getting good jobs.

So thinking with that while in the JP office, I make a plea. No Contest. I ask the clerk if I get "time served" since I was in jail for a day and basically earned some credit. I wrote that out to the judge. I didn't know the magistrate was just 100 feet away from me in a different room from the clerk and I. I wrote and asked for some "time served" credit to the judge, and it was granted. I was given a $145 credit/layover for time served. I paid $60 as a partial payment and made a payment plan to pay the $50 pay by early April. So basically, I got a good "mini plea deal." I earned a time served credit plus the small payment by pleading no contest.

So I wait for Edmond to get out of jail after taking care of my legal shit. I see someone get out of the gate and it's Edmond. So we wait for his parents now to pick us up. We are in the jail lobby and he texts some people up. He gets a car from his dad or mom, I forget who at the time.

I'm like glad we are coming back to the city I'm thinking. There is some change of plans(and this really pisses me off). His parents are coming, they are picking us up however: I cannot go back with them since there is not enough room. That really pisses me off. But they will give me a ride to the bus station(Greyjhound). I didn't know Greyhound was in Kerville, Texas. If Greyhound wasn't in Greyound, I would've been pissed.

Basically I felt like I was given the message, "We will give you a ride to the Greyhound, but get the fuck out of the car you drunk Mexican." That's not what Edmond said, but that's the impression I got from what his parents were saying to him. I mean Edmond told his parents he was in jail with a friend. And I thought he and I were going back to town together and yeah, his parents would be pissed but chill somewhat.

Anyway, his mom shows up about 20 minutes later. At first, I just wanted to walk to the Greyhound station on my own or get a ride back to my city on my own, because I felt like Edmond put me under the us or some shit.

So his mom picks us up(I'm confused his dad didn't show up). Her Lincoln SVU didn't appear packed per se. On the right back seat was filled with items and stuff, but the backseat I sat, it was empty. So I was confused why she picked him but not the both of them. And I'm pissed why we couldn't go back together, despite the SVU not being "cramped" or whatever. So I just keep my mouth shut for most of the ride just directing her to the greyhound station.

She does make brief comments to Edmond(not me): He had AAA roadside assistance car he could've called to help him out; his dad was really upset; don't do thing again. So I'm unsure if she was pissed at me more or what. Edmond did mentioned to some of the guys in jail his family was upper class and conservative but she didn't bitch at me and cuss me out for things. So I'm confused if she saw me as a problem or liability or to blame. I mean I was just as drunk as Edmond and I tried to look out for him, I even told him at least 5 times what the fuck were you making the trip north for. So if she wants to blame me for shit, she needs to here my side out of the story. But I kept my mouth shut.

So I'm dropped off near the Greyhound station in Kerville, Texas. I'm slightly pissed off since the Greyhound doesn't leave till 4pm. So I just leave their SVU and go to a BBQ place near the bus station to get a good lunch. I'm there for a while in Kerville and kill time. I just go to a CVS and get some snacks. I wait for the greyhound bus to arrive. The bus doesn't show up at 4pm due to some weather delay. So another bus at 530 arrives. So I'm pissed off more that I'm still in Kerville and want to go back to my city.

Finally the bus arrives. I'm out of Kerville. I arrive back to my city about 6:40. I get an Uber and it's peak time(I pay more but it's whatever really). I get back to my place on campus around 7:40pm.

I'm frustrated a bit after the whole shit. I don't hate Edmond because I can't just say he's the problem. There are things I did wrong that I accept I did. We agreed in jail that we can't do this anymore. We can agree on that. Even his mom said she doesn't want to see him doing this anymore. He's lucky he didn't get a DWI or kill us. I told him in jail, he and I must have had angels protecting us that whole night.

I've been through a lot with Edmond than I did with Travis, it's a lot of emotions we experienced within a short amount of time.

And the concluding questions that linger:
1. Was Edmond some "rebound crush" or someone I saw as some replacement for Travis? I keep feeling like that was the case.

2. Why do I look at the "kiss" as something that stands out? Did Edmond really have some feelings for me in the woods. He admits he has no memory of it, but admits when he drinks he's bi polar and the testosterone and the hormones and stuff screw with him. He knows I'm bi sexual and he said "its okay" after or before we kissed. It seemed like a powerful moment when we kissed. It was intimate and felt good. I mean Travis and I didn't kiss. I thought Edmond and I were going to have sex in the field somewere. Or maybe we did, I will never know.

3. It leads me back to my original question: Could Edmond have some traces of bi sexuality when he's drunk. I mean "the kiss" may have some evidence but it's largely a stretch. Maybe given the right conditions(alcohol in blood) or so.

4. Why did I keep placing myself in situations with me despite some of the negative things associated with him? I mean the other stuff I've talked about him here. I mean was I trying to see him as some replacement for Travis, did I see him as some straight close friend, did I see him as some borderline romantic/platonic friendship of someone who showered me with affection and treats me to drinks. I have a feelings over this thing.

5. Why do I feel like it was some borderline romantic/platonic relationship? I mean he's 25, I'm 24. I'm not a female" but I saw myself as the feminine role and Edmond was the masculine. I mean it's hard to explain. I've touched on having preferences for younger people(18-21) and being the masculine(older) and the feminine(younger) roles in relationships. I mean that's what I saw with Travis. I mean I didn't see Travis as "feminine" despite some brief homoerotic moments we had but he was largely masculine but I just prefer young people. With "hanging out" with Edmond, I felt like the roles were reversed, I felt like some "feminine" role and I felt like he was inviting me to borderline "dates" when we hanged out. I mean the first time we hanged out, he picks me up in a Mazerrati. He lives a posh lifestyle that rivals Christian Grey. He reminds me of Richard Gere from American Gigolo or Pretty Woman. I mean this preppy, jet set, 20-something guy. I mean did I like because of his class, his race, his young looks, or combination of both?

6. Why do I keep seeking relationships that involve people that just dabble in substances despite the negative conditions from it.

7. Why do I desire just to be with relationships with guys that are white, preppy, upper class. I felt like Edmond fit all my preferences and fantasies. I mean, if he just came out and said he was bi sexual, I would've felt like he was THE ONE. I would've just settled down and maybe just found the right person. But we just ended up having some alcoholic fueled friendship that just paralleled the relationship I had with Travis.

It's confusing what I do, now I just been reflecting on shit.

 

I do appreciate the feedback I've getting.

I've been just doing this reflection of my life and on this incident.

I do not hate Edmond for what happen. I take some share of the blame as he did. So blaming him for 100% of everything would be an asshole thing to do. I do blame him somewhat for deciding to take the trip all the way 60 miles north. I can't change the past but can accept the consequences.

Processing and reflecting I still have lingering questions: Why do I seem so worked up about one fucking kiss? I mean, it just felt like a good feeling when he and I kissed. And we said, "I love you" somewhat while we walked around drunk.

It could've been some drunken "bromance" or something.

He seemed to "connect" to me somewhat. I mean, he and I would text a bit nearly everyday. So at least there was some amicable relationship there.

The alcohol intake seemed to rival ourselves and maybe that was an accident waiting to happen.

You mention about why I'm not in recovery or whatever at my college. And that is a complicated question(responding to Euler), is because I feel at times I do or don't need recovery. I'm unsure if I have a mental health problem or a substance problem. I can't distinguish if it's a mental health problem or just a substance problem.

The alcohol/drug counselor that oversees the recovery program here at my college, is all for recovery. He's in recovery himself, he sponsored Travis and some other younger guys I knew in the college recovery program. And this alcohol/drug counselor guy has about 12 years of sobriety. And he's aware of me being in/out of recovery, the stuff with Travis and other people that were in/out of recovery as well.

I'm unsure if I need recovery or just mental health help or what. I do see a counselor. I've been to a mental hospital.

 

I'm not putting Edmond under the bus or blaming him for everything. Like I told him when we were in jail, I'm not that mad at him 100%. Yeah he messed up, I messed up. We aren't perfect, we make mistakes.

The whole jail experience seemed to "humanize" Edmond more than I ever saw him. I mean, we were "equal." For about 25-26 hours in jail, social class status was blurred in some way. That's why I saw us as "equals." And we were close a bit in jail and talked. I mean, I'm not saying "Jail is fun", I'm just saying I never been that close with someone like that and especially in a a jail setting.

The guys in our cell were shady guys I wouldn't consider a friend in real life but for the most part, were nice. They had their own charges and were more concerned about getting bail or family than doing anything to us.


You referred that I said physical abuse. No my parents never physically abused me. I've dealt with emotional abuse at times from my parents. My parents never really hit me. Yeah, my dad would hit me every now and then when I was young when I messed up. But it wasn't like I got a beating everyday. My family isn't the freeking Brady Bunch or anything, but family is family. I've dealt with my dad's PTSD for a while and the aftershocks of it and dealt with domestic arguments between my parents.

Physical abuse I've dealt with has been largely acquaintance or friendship not family oriented. Emotional abuse more with family. And emotional abuse with acquaintanceship or friendship you can say.

Like when Edmond acted drunk and wanted to hit me and everything, I told him to stop because i don't like when people lay a hand on me.

And I don't know why I wanted to "stay" friends with him for. I seemed to model my friendships as parallel to the marriage of my parents. I mean, my parents have dealt with shit in their past. I mean, I've compared to Richard Burton and Liz Taylor(I'm sure the folks in Europe are aware of these movie stars) and their stormy love/hate relationship. I mean I compare my parents to Liz and Richard just minus the alcohol fueled romance and Hollywood high life you can say. And I even kid with my therapists I've seen about that.

What I'm getting at, is I've try to hard to make friendships "work" no matter how fucked up shit gets. I've just felt if one or both of fucks up way too much to a degree or when someone says it's just time to leave for good, then I'll take my ball and just head out. I've seem to just mold my friendships/relationships and seen my parents' relationship as a model you can say. I mean, I "stuck" with Travis for a good 6 months.

And the interim period I had some "friendship" with some other friend of Travis, that was in the recovery program with us(well this guy wasn't really but just for a meeting or two), I thought he'd bond with me like Travis because he was a bit shy when we met. We were cool for a bit then things turned south faster than with Travis. I didn't like the friends he was with and they seemed way too shady. I didn't have nobody like Robby I could vent my frustrations and stuff to. When Robby was in the picture, he saw shit with the same lenses you can say.

With that "friendship" gone I broke away. And I tried to get into "Recovery" again. So I had met Edmond through recovery. He alluded to being "in recovery" and had a bit more clean time than me when we first met. And right away when we first met, I felt a "click." I mean, I felt a "click" somewhat like when I met AJ(aka AM) back in 2010.

If "the click" was the start of this "rebound" crush then it's confusing.

I just felt that jail seemed to be place were social class between us was broken, we were close somewhat. But when we left the jail, the social class barriers were reestablished.

And the question about his mom not giving me a ride back to town, I just recall Edmond telling me we were going to get bailed out and given a ride back. That was on Wednesday. I assume maybe his parents were pissed off about the whole incident.

I've assumed that his parents felt that I was the "Bad guy" because Edmond referred briefly his parentss are conservative. But I didn't really get no racial bias from his mom. His mom didn't use any racial slurs about Latinos such as "beaner" or "spic" or "Wetback." I didn't get a racist vibe from her. She seemed more concerned about Edmond than myself. I mean, that's something I can understand. But I just felt at the moment, that I was just some extra cargo for her not a person. I'm not trying to assume she's a racist bitch because I don't have proof.

It's just my own past experiences of being around affluent White people, I've just felt like I was giving a giant "Fuck You" by his parents despite not really being the one that drove the car up to the ranch drunk. I mean(knock on wood), we must had some good angels protecting us that we didn't die. That's all got to say on that.

 

It's been almost a week since this shit happen.

Edmond and i are on good terms somewhat. We agreed that drinking together is not going to work. He's agreed to try and be sober. And I've tried to do the same thing.

We haven't hanged out since we left jail. We' ve texted somewhat but he's on vacation in Hawaii with his family. I'm not going to text him during vacation because he's with family, I suppose he needs a fucking break given that he was somewhat in a rough spot last week.

He got plastered at a bar near his posh apartment and blacked out. This happened on Sunday night, two days before the night of that incident. I mean he drunk texted me up till 4am. I didn't drink that night, I was catching up on classwork but he was texting. And he told me the next day(Monday), he got really trashed. He blacked out and almost got into a fight with some dudes at the bar he was at. He told me he was flirting with some guy's girlfriend or something, and pissed some guy off.

A guy at the bar, had stepped in and made sure Edmond didn't get his ass beat.

So I could tell that Edmond was struggling or near a rough place as he told me. And then he invites me up on Monday to hang out but I declined the offer until Tuesday.

Edmond drinks just as heavily as I do at times. He makes promises he takes breaks to drink, then drinks. So he's been this wishy-washy dude when he makes promises he won't drink, he takes his (Antabuse, it's a alcohol treatment drug) then he goes back out and stuff.

But yeah he and I had little conflicts and stuff, but we are good friends to a degree.

It's confusing why I feel so hung up thinking about even after everything we just went through.

 

"hung up"- meant I'm still stuck thinking about him despite all the stuff that happen last week.

 

That's a good question actually.

I have a lot of feelings wrapped around Edmond.

I mean I liked him because he treated me out. I mean the whole romanticism associated with him as this preppy, upper class, youngish White guy. I mean I feel head over heels for him somewhat.

I mean he was so adamant at times of going out and wanting to buy me drinks and the affection you can say. I mean, it's hard to say if I liked him because he bought me drinks or what.

And aside from that, I connected to him because he dealt with his own alcohol issues. And whenever I had fucked up with getting trashed or something, we just make up and move on. In my past, that wouldn't fly. I mean, people would get too pissy if I made an ass of myself in front of them. I mean, Edmond seemed to be pretty forgiving. We talked shit, fought a bit. So we were somewhat of this borderline alcoholic odd couple. I mean that's what I can define ourselves.

But I have these good and feelings over him.

I feel like maybe he was this "Rebound" over losing Travis. And whatever I didn't do with Travis, I wanted to do with Edmond.

And Edmond seemed to fit the "mold" of the type of guy I always wanted: 20-something, White, masculine, youngish looking, preppy.

I mean, I give him nick names like "preppy boy" as some term of endearment and he doesn't complain. So we joke around in text messages.

We probably hanged out about 5 times or so this year, just alcohol related. 4/5 of times, something had went wrong in some way shape or form. But we always made up. Then I would sober up a bit and go to meetings, but still talk to Edmond.

He would sober up himself, take his Anbutuse(alcohol treatment drug) for a while then go back out.

 

@Euler.

In regards to your first question. It's the "vibe" I get when I'm around him. He's just so welcoming. I mean, he's like the guy of my dreams. It sounds like a cheesy thing to do to say, but it's the truth. There's not too many youngish looking, upper class, White guys just waltz in my life like Edmond.

I just feel like he's welcoming and non judgmental because whenever we mess up when we get drunk off our asses, we just make up and then move on.

Do I feel judged by others? At the present, not really. I mean in my past whenever I got too trashed and caused problems, yes it was an issue.

With Edmond, I just thought we had a commonality with just alcohol and whenever we messed up we'd appologize and try to work things out. I mean, things got crazy at times when we drink but it's just how it goes when you put alcohol in the equation with us.

It was amicable and acrimonious at best.

It's confusing to have a love/hate relationship over him.

 

It's the feelings of love/hate relationship I have with this guy.

I describe Edmond and I's "relationship" as parallel to the booze-filled of Liz Taylor and Richard Burton. I mean minus the Hollywood life and affairs and drugs, I can use them as an analogy to Edmond and I.

Maybe it's just the romanticism I usually do when I get attached to someone I "like" you romantize on shit too much.

I like him because of how I can relate to him in terms of the alcohol use as a commonality, he forgives me for my mistakes/I forgive for his mistakes. So we have that mutual stance on things.

I hate at times when he is an asshole.

But I somewhat have these mixed feelings at times.

 

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