So where to begin......I need help and advice so lets break down my situation. I come from an extremely religious messianic jewish/christian family that is extremely mistrusting and borderline hateful of gay people. The only accepting person being my dad who is a rabbi and evrn so his acceptance only goes as far as the oh so popular phrase of hate the sin not the sinner. Anyways im no longer living anywhere near my family and have started to become more anf more of who i truly am as the fear of being poorly judged distances itself from me. Now for the confusing part. Dueto pressure from coworkers and the stupid need to keep hiding behind the facade of being straight i started seeing this girl. An amazing beautiful wonderful person who is one of the few in this world that has been able to deal with my depression mood swings and overrall mental instability. So i decided rather hastily that she seems to love me i dont mind her company why not hold onto what i can get. So i proposed anf we got engaged. She was the first and so far only person ive slept with even though i feel little to no attraction to women besides the wish that i could be them. But because of this lack of physical attraction she noticed that i never seemed to be as horny as she was and could never keep it up or reach climax when we had sex.... so she became the first person i ever told of the way i feel o the inside. And god did it pain her i felt like festering slime for the hurt the words "im gay" caused her but in her distraught state she very graciously regained her poise and we started to discuss what we should do overthe next few days and the more pain i saw it cause her the less i could bare it so i lied and blamed the original conversation on my depression and the alchohol we had brrn drinking, and said that i was bi and we could work it out and in her love blinded naivity she seemed to completely forget what happened. And now im the sole income earner between the two of us while she gores to school. months have rolled by we are coming up on two years togethor anf when i should be happy all i can think is how much more pain this will cause the longer it goes on, my depression returned 10 fold and ive had to fight constant suicidal thoughts everyday for months rather than the occasional one here and there that i m used to. I know i need to cut off the relationship and it would be the best choice in the long run but im a coward who lacks finnesse in these aspects of life and cant bear to cause pain to anyone especially someone i love who has supported been patient and understanding with the mess thats my head. Tldr; Im gay and engaged to a girl but i care about her to much to just leave her what do i do
