Was I rejected? NEVER drinking again!

hey all...some of you know the back story of my friend and my inability to function like a normal human in her presence because of my stupid infatuation with her (excuse the teenage angst of this post).

Well, turns out that whiskey and tequila can do a number on ones confidence.

I outed myself to said friend in the middle of a bar, very loudly, and then proceeded to neck her.

I have no memory of this and it happened two weeks ago, but she brought it up when we were alone to ask me about how i sexually identify.

it was a super casual conversation and she quickly stated that i kissed her face and neck and then asked about my sexual orientation.

i was honest and said i didn't label my sexuality, but i was open to anyone i felt connected to.

we moved on to other conversation and i later asked if anything else happened that night and she said no.

i will say that i'm relieved she knows i'm into women, but she didn't say anything else after that. no "do you like me?" or "what did the kissing mean?" nothing.

it's so frustrating because i don't know what she's thinking and i should've asked:bang:

was that rejection? is she not interested and didn't want to ask any other questions?

i feel so awkward! :icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf

 

I spoke very confidently about my sexuality so i don't think she thinks I'm experimenting. She is younger and has expressed her intimidation/shyness when it comes to women (though she's well liked and known)... But I talk about being really guarded and reserved... She's very conscious of my guard

 

we've been very busy, so we haven't seen each other much over the last couple of weeks. our interactions (including the day after this night) have been positive. she still hugs me and we exchange looks, etc...our mutual friends have been more vocal about us having a connection... it's weird.

she seemed a little guarded during the discussion though, but i honestly just could not read her expression. she was sort of blank faced but then teased me a little about it.

I can't even understand it.

personally, i don't understand how she seemed so casual about it. if my friend kissed all over me, i'd have one of two reactions: i'm uncomfortable or i liked it. she didn't even seem phased by it. she was more concerned about my sexual identity.

it was strange.

 

I have just concluded that my friend doesn't like me.

the other night she invited me to a concert along with another couple. then last minute another friend joined. she was being super sweet and walking with me and i kinda snuggled into her arm while the band played, but the end of the night she pretty much abandoned me with our mutual friend and didn't even say goodnight. i tried to ask her if she wanted to hang out and she said she'll "let me know" and then i didn't hear from her all day and at the very last minute (i mean the end of the day) she text to let me know she couldn't, rainchecked me, and wished me a goodnight...

we haven't talked since. i've seen her a few times and literally just spoke to mutual friends, but not her. she didn't even notice, i don't think. it's just so awkward.

i'm kinda sad to lose her friendship really, but it's been days and we haven't communicated. i think i'm just going to focus on other things. i'm already dealing with a lot and this... whatever this is, it's stressful.

 

*update*

sooo... my friend and i had a conversation and i'm not sure what happened, but she told me she was confused by my drunken behavior and that she thought i did remember and didn't want to talk about what happened. i swore up and down i didn't and she stressed she could remember everything vividly and it blurred a lot of lines.

then she told me has always been confused about her feelings and mine and that she really loved that i made her a better person... but she had fucked up a previous friendship by following her feelings and didn't want to ruin our connection. she kept asking me to state we were platonic and then declared we would be platonic when i didn't say anything. i didn't really understand that 'cause we're not.

she told me she was pulling away to protect herself and didn't mean to hurt me, but she didn't know what to do with all her feelings.

so i guess we're just friends?

i will never understand, but i guess i accept :rolle:

granted, she seemed really scared to talk to me and sort of admitted we were both on each other that night... but then seemed like it was great that we were going down this platonic path...i'm so confused!

 

The friendship was with a girl who was "straight" that she had a lot of feelings for. the girl wasn't ready to be out, but wanted to hook up with her and she convinced herself that she could be the one for the girl, so she kept doing whatever she wanted hoping she'd fall in love with her, but the girl just wanted to hook up. her friend would tell her she loved her and wasn't ready, but wanted her, and all this other stuff and she kept trying to stop blurring physical boundaries, but kept loving the girl and felt connected to her... it was a big emotional mess.

my friend is a hopeless romantic and she has been honest with me about not being able to connect deeply with people easily. she has a lot of friends and people in her life, but says when she connects really deeply, it's either with a sibling or a girlfriend.

to be fair, i sort of told her friendship meant so much to me and i didn't want to lose that (but i meant us just falling apart in general) but when she said she had feelings for me (!) I wanted to say well great, lets love each other, but then she goes into this thing about not knowing how to handle her feelings and talking to a mentor about it and not knowing if she could talk to me because i'm guarded...

i think i fucked up this conversation. i should have just told her that i wanted to be with her. that i wasn't like the other woman she was talking about, that i wasn't "confused" and if she wanted me, then be with me... but i didn't because i'm an idiot. she mentioned that the drunk night made every other time we were affection sober that much more apparently sexual/romantic (like confirmed what she thought was happening), but then she talked about other random stuff... i don't know.

I guess I should just stay away from her...

 

Thanks y'all.

I understand what y'all are saying. i do love her as a friend and she loves me, tells me all the time, and we are both in this really awkward place in our relationship. i think we both need time to make sure it's really something worth pursuing. we're both in vulnerable places in our lives (me just coming to terms with my own identity, her just ending a lot of loose ties with previous relationships)

we have both been honest with each other on that. at the end of the day, i have so much shit going on outside of this situation and i can't tell which way is up some days so i need to just relax, sink into this friendship and allow it to happen. i'm just excited by the potential of "us," ya know?

i'm kinda bummed tho... but i do need boundaries, which is why i need to talk to her again? we see each other often because of mutual friends and i can't take all the touching, extended eye contact, teasing, etc. i don't want to just brush her off and make her feel hurt, so i should tell her that i need physical space? i won't spend time with her one on one unless it's absolutely necessary.

i'm not sure how to go about this, clearly. i just want to figure out how to stay friends without my feelings deepening.

 

Quick update

I found out she spoke with a mutual friend about me and according to that friend she's into me and is afraid I don't like her romantically... in that same conversation, she said she wanted to be single because she's sick of all the games in dating.

she won't talk to me anymore. literally, won't even look at me. i tried texting her to talk and she ignored me...

So I feel slightly annoyed since I reached out... why won't she talk to me? she literally avoids me at functions when there's mutual friends. i just pretend i don't see her because it sucks that we aren't talking to each other.

this is just another sign that she is too confusing and i need to stay away (which i have been doing). why are women so confusing!!

 

i'm going to call you crazy lol

it shouldn't be this hard... i'm thinking of letting it go? i mean, she also threw away the friendship (which at the very least deserved a fighting chance).

am i being too negative?