I think i already know the answer to this but i guess i just need to see what others think. I'm a 27 year old lesbian and i've been with my wife for about 3 and a half years. We met at work and fell crazy in love with each other. A few months before we met my niece was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. It was by far the hardest time in my life. I feel like my wife came into my life and saved me. She also came with 2 amazing kids that i adore. About 5 months after we got together my niece passed away. It would be impossible to put into words how that felt but i fell into a very deep depression. I became a completely different person. Very insecure, withdrawn, moody, just someone i didn't recognize. It wasn't always like that but i know that it still would be a lot for someone to handle. My wife really did try her best to make it work. It got to be too much though and in November of last year we decided to separate. I took it very hard and had so much guilt for my part in things going the way they did. I moved out for a couple months but right after the holidays we decided for time being it would be better for us both financially if we lived together for a couple months because of bills we had together. I've been able to work on a lot of my issues and feel like i'm becoming the best version of myself. I haven't felt this comfortable with who i am for years. We have so much fun together. We spend our days off together, buy things for the house together, make decisions about the kids together. We're best friends. We both agree on that. I would give anything to be back with her and be a family again. She just can't take that step. She says she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to but she wants too. She's just really scared. I've been kept in limbo basically for the last few months. I'm not sure how long i stay in the dark with all this. I don't want to wait for someone who may never want to be with me but i don't want to give up too soon. It's all confusing and frustrating. Any advice would be beyond appreciated.
Good for you for getting yourself healthy. I'm guessing you had help via therapy. Yes? Do you still go? Would it be possible for her to join you or go individually? It sounds like you two could be good again but she just needs some help working through some stuff to get to the same point. Is she open to counselling?
I didn't go to therapy but read a lot of books on grief and self help. I also attended some meetings about grief that my mom introduced me to. We had talked about going to couples therapy in the past before we split up but i'm not sure if it's still something she would be interested in. I don't really feel like she sees it as though she has anything to work through so i'm nervous to bring it up to her. I am always pretty worried about saying the wrong thing and making things worse between us. I wish she would be open to counseling though. I have just always felt that if you want to be with someone you just know it. I guess it's just hard for me to understand her needing so much time to figure it out.
Ok. Just had another thought. Sometimes universities or other organizations give talks or presentations about relationships or other personal examination type topics. Do you think asking her to go to one of these with you because you're interested might get her thinking about things in a new way? Just present it to her as something you'd like to go to and that you'd like her to come along to keep you company. Have you ever seen anything like that near you? Is she happy separate from this issue?
That sounds like a great idea! I haven't heard of anything like that before near me but will definitely be looking into it! And she does seem happy. Most times i really feel like she wants it to work with us.
