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Possible user "friend"?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by someoneus86, Mar 12, 2016.

  1. someoneus86

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    TL;DR version at the end.

    So I've posted about this friend twice before in regards to some mixed signals that he was sending, especially when he slept over in which he seemed interested in me.

    Backstory:
    So to the point of this thread...

    I've come to the realization that lately this "best friend" has been quite a jerk towards me and I feel like he's possibly been using me, maybe the whole or part of the 2-3 years that we've been friends.

    Here's some of what happened as an example:
    I had to put my 15 year old dog to sleep this week on Tuesday afternoon. So I left work early and told his mom (who works with me) about having to put my dog to sleep. He called later that day to say his mom told him and that he was sorry. Then while talking he started playing with his own dog and started ignoring me while I was talking. Then he said his battery was dying so he would call me back. He never did. I texted him a few times a few hours apart asking two different questions, he never responded.

    The next day I was off from work and texted him that I think I was having a difficult time getting past my dogs passing. He never responded... Later that night, I texted him asking if he picked up a new game we were planning to play together and he responded immediately and never brought up my previous messages. I realize he has a problem with death in general and is possibly why he didn't want to talk about that subject. But I feel that, as a friend, he didn't seem too concerned about my feelings.

    Skip forward to Thursday and I asked him if he was still staying over Saturday as I was hoping to get my mind off things, which the previous weekend he agreed to. He said no because he and his sister were having a few of his sister's friends over on Saturday. So I was taken aback that he once again didn't seem to care about me; didn't even consider inviting me or cancelling like he always cancels with me.

    Friday he texted me asking me what time I was out of work. I responded that I was home and already out of work to which he asked if I could help him move his bed and some stuff from his parent's house to his sister's house that he was moving into. I said sure.

    During the ride to his mom's house, he kept mentioning the party on Saturday and "parade day" which is a local parade event that everyone gets drunk at. He kept mentioning that he was going to get laid (maybe even with multiple girls). Then he asked me why I didn't ask a certain girl out which I said she wasn't my type. So he asked what my type was and I just said I wasn't sure how to explain it, but I just didn't feel anything with her. Now, as a reminder, he knows that I'm bi and that I liked him. So he kept asking so I asked what was the big deal with him wanting me to date a girl. He responded that he was going to start dating now and that he would have less time to hang out with me. I'm like... ok... So you're only going to hang out every other Saturday of the month now? He's like... maybe less, maybe once a month or few months.... I'm like. So you want me to find someone so I'm not alone? He's like, pretty much... So I responded, I've been alone for years before you came into the picture... I'll live.

    When moving his stuff, he started playing with a nerf gun and started pointing it at me. Luckily I turned my head as he then shot it and it hit me in the temple... I was pissed because I said it could've hit me in the eye if I didn't turn. His only response was that he didn't mean to hit me in the head. I'm like, is that an apology? He responded that I need to get over it.... Now, I know joking around and stuff, but his lack of concern really pissed me off. Since he drove the moving truck there, he was my ride back. Otherwise I would've left right then and there as I felt like he was a jerk and wasn't acting like a friend.

    When moving stuff into his sister's house, his sister asked if I was coming to the party Saturday. So I responded that I didn't realize there was a party and that my friend didn't invite me. She looked at me like that was odd and said well you ARE invited... My friend was walking over when she said that and he gave an annoyed look.

    Finally, when we were setting his room up, he started smoking weed (I don't touch any drugs). Then he started getting closer to me every time he was talking to me. When taking stuff from me or handing stuff to me, he kept making our hands touch during the exchange. Thinking I was over-analyzing, I thought whatever.... Then he started doing stuff to expose his stomach and underwear and then went to fix stuff under his bed. In that process I saw that he kind of pushed his pants a little lower as he was dropping to his knees to go on all fours to fix stuff under his bed. He spent quite a long and unnecessary amount of time doing whatever he was doing all the while exposing his ass in my direction. Even when I moved to a different spot.

    A few minutes later I was resting on his bed as there was no other place to sit. He told me to get off the bed because he wanted to try to do something with the headboard. I said ok, just give me a minute. Then he got pissed and said again, "get off the freaking bed, I want to fix the headboard and you're on my bed and I didn't even get to lay in it with my fresh sheets yet! Get off before I hit you." So, my usual response is, yeah ok.... you're gonna hit me.... (The only reason I didn't believe him was he always joked about it and said he would never hit me for real). Then bam, he nails me in the arm hard. So I get up and asked wtf his problem was, that he didn't have to hit me. His only response was to get over it and that he warned me. I realize something as small as being hit in the arm is something friends may jokingly do and I was jokingly calling him out on it and it all seems like an immature situation but with his angry attitude towards me, I didn't feel comfortable and immediately thought that his actions seemed abusive. I've never hit him, not even in a jokingly manner.

    Later on we were joking about something and I was teasing him and he said that he was going to punch me in the face and said if I don't believe him to look at what happened when he warned me that he was going to punch me before. So I got serious and immediately said if he ever does that, he can kiss our friendship goodbye and that I would never talk to him. Of course he replied with, yaaaaaa ooooooooook.

    His sister then went to bed and asked if I was coming tomorrow. So I asked my friend if he wanted me to come, he responded that he didn't care that I could do whatever. So I asked what his plans were and he responded that I already knew, he plans on getting laid. So I'm like.... then I'm not coming. He didn't respond. I asked if another friend of ours was going and he mentioned that he invited him earlier in the day, but he never responded. So I thought to myself.... My "best friend" never invited me to this party, but invited his other friend...

    FINALLY, when everything was done in his room, we went downstairs and he pretty much said, well....... I'm gonna call it a night and stuck his hand out for a handshake and pulled me into a hug. So I left, all without him ever saying any thanks...

    So, I realized that I'm the only one who initiates contact to hang out together and that he's being an uncalled for selfish prick towards me when the only thing I have ever done was to be a great friend for him. I don't believe him acting like an ass towards me has anything to do with me being bi. I do question if maybe it has something to do with the weed or "weed extract oil" or whatever it is that he started smoking. He told me it was the extract of cannabis.

    Whatever the reasons are, I feel that dealing with his asshole attitude and the fact that he only hangs out with me when it's convenient for him and how everything is on his terms has gone on way too long now. Especially if he plans on trying to become abusive. Screw that.

    So what does everyone think? Does he have issues? Should I stop initiating contact and let the friendship lay in his hands?

    I appreciate any thoughts and advice!


    TL;DR
    Friend says he's not gay. So I give up on that ever happening. He still sends out the mixed/weird signals even though I told him what they were. My pet was put to sleep this week. He called, but never reached out to me again only to ask for help in moving. Was an ass when moving stuff and then was angry after he smoked weed (oil extract?). Never invited me to a party. Invited his other friend to a party. Never thanked me for helping him move. Not sure what to think.
     
  2. thewizard

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    I am currently going through the same thing at the moment. I think that you two just grew apart. I'm not sure if you mentioned it or not, but have you been friends for quite some time? To me it seems like you matured while your friend still wants to party and act like a typical dumb guy. He probably didn't invite you to the party because of this. Plus, drugs can make you act like a dick, so that's probably why he wasn't too friendly at his sister's party. Also, I think you may have a sort of resentment towards him because you like/liked him and he doesn't like you back. Every little thing he does now you're looking into and making things worse in your head than they actually are. Don't get me wrong, this guy seems like a complete douche, but I just think you had an image of this guy in your head that you expected him to be, but in reality he doesn't meet those expectations. With all this being said I'd distance myself from him as much as possible. You'll see what things are life without him in your life, and then you can decide whether or not you hope to remain friends. I hope some of this helped!
     
  3. AlmostBlue

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    He seems like a real asshole who is so completely unaware of his feelings and actions...I know it's easier said than done, but it's probably best to distance yourself from him and find new friends and a gf/bf who deserve you. Of course once you pull back, he will most likely start wanting you back, but don't fall for that and move on.
     
  4. someoneus86

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    It's been about 2.5 years now. It's not the first time that I felt that he used me either, but it's something that just hit me and made me really think. We both aren't the party type. The main difference is he smokes weed while I don't, otherwise we get along well. Definitely no resentment on my part since I valued our friendship and was glad to just have him as a friend. I definitely defended his asshole behaviors before, but I also called him out on them a few times. He was just never an ass to me directly before, or at leas this much until recently.


    Distancing is pretty difficult for me as I have done it in the past with him when he was a jerk to me when he went out to the bar and never invited me on my own birthday... Some friend... However when he ditched me on my birthday I did stop contacting him and distanced myself... Though I think it only lasted like a week before I thought it would be a good idea to save our friendship and I ended up messaging him. Never did get an apology or explanation on why he did that to me either... lol.

    I do think you both are right in that I need to distance myself. However, I'm not sure if I can completely end it, especially if I see him trying to get back. But I guess step one is to just stop contacting him and see what happens and then go from there...


    Does he seem like a toxic or emotionally abusive friend? He was somehow always making it seem like he's innocent and never wrong and that it's me over analyzing and being insecure.
     
  5. AlmostBlue

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    I can't say he is toxic or emotionally abusive, but he definitely doesn't sound like a good friend, and his behavior is pretty disrespectful and unkind. However, I've said this before in your other post, but I think the problem is also that you seem to want him to like you more than a friend. Otherwise, it should be easy to distance yourself from someone who treats you poorly. It's still possible to be friends, but just not close friends. I think you have to try to face the fact that regardless of whether he is confused about his sexuality or not, he doesn't want to be your boyfriend and he's even a shitty friend. Don't continue to waste your time and thought on this hoping that he will turn out to be a great boyfriend for you in the future.