I've never really had any guy friends growing up, almost all of my close friends were girls. It wasn't until freshman year in high school that I had met my best friend, I'll call him Joey for this post. I met him around this time last year. We are both members of our schools math team. This is where I met him. We both instantly connected it feels like this is the only close and true friendship that I've had in my life. We would go on vacations together, spend the night every weekend and just spend every moment we could with each other. I wouldn't give up this friendship for anything in the world. He is one of the kindest and nicest person I've met, and one of the only people I feel safe being myself around. Having only met him for a year I thought we knew everything about each other. There was one thing that I recently found out about him... We had a math competition at our state's University. Because he is the only true friend that I've had and that would accept me I wanted to stop keeping my deepest secret, my sexuality, from him. But I was scared because I didn't know how he would react. Anyway when we first walked into the campus we entered the main hall. The main hall had posters of some of the clubs at the school. One of the posters caught my eye. It was a poster for a Gay Straight Alliance. I thought this would be a good opportunity to see how he felt about homosexuality. I told him "I think it's cool how people here aren't afraid to be who they are" He responded "That is so stupid. I don't support that crap. It isn't normal. Those people were probably made in test tubes that's why they're gay, It's disgusting." I was devastated, the one person I thought I could confide in turned out to hate people like me. It took all the strength I had to not break down in tears. We were with our group of friends when he said this and our friends defended me without even knowing it (no one knows I'm gay). I was a little relieved and I decided to change the subject to something else. Throughout the day he kept on bringing up the poster He would say things like "I should go and tear it down" "That is nasty I don't even know how people are gay it's freaking gross and unnatural" This was very depressing hearing the person that I'm the closest to saying these awful things about people like me. I think he thinks that there is only one type of gay, the stereotypical gay(acts feminine, hand gestures, stuff like that) He said Thank God I've never even seen another gay person. (I wanted to scream out You talk to one every day, sit next to one, and sleep with one when you come to my house. Your best friend is gay!!) I cry like every other night thinking about how the only person that makes me genuinely happy would hate me if he knew about the real me. I really want to tell him so I can feel at peace with myself, but I don't want to loose my only genuine friend. I could really use some advice
OK, this is a bit over the top homophobic. So much that it actually sounds like he has something in the closet. Having said that obviously that doesn't prove anything. Not knowing your friend I can't really give any good practical advise but to me it doesn't sound like he would stop being your friend for that. The thing is that ultimately you have only very limited influence on if he is going to remain your friend if you come out. However, you can maximize the chances of that. First, don't confront him in person as that leaves him very little time to react and might go to defensive. Instead, send him an email or letter. You might want to keep it brief and not too emotional. It might be along these lines: "Dear X, As this matter has not arisen before I have not considered it relevant to explicitly tell you. However, since the poster incident I feel compelled to let you know in the atmosphere of honesty that I am gay. I consider you a close friend of mine and I would disappointed this was to chance because of this. However, people have the right to choose their friends and I respect your choice whatever it is." Optionally you could also ad something like this to ask him to keep quiet. "I would also like to ask you to keep this information private if possible. Not that it is a secret but I feel that my sexuality does not define me as a person and that flaunting it out might cause people to focus on wrong things."
"OK, this is a bit over the top homophobic. So much that it actually sounds like he has something in the closet. Having said that obviously that doesn't prove anything." Now that I think about it he has only said things like this when we're around other people. Never when we're alone together. When he is just with me he acts differently, he's more open. It didn't even cross my mind that he might be struggling finding out who he is. But it would explain some things that have happened before. If this is the case I don't think it would be a good idea to tell him. I think I will just give it time. I will ask him why he has such strong opinions though. I won't tell him that I'm gay unless he asks me and seems like he will be okay with it. I just don't want to lose him. His family and our friends say we follow each other around like puppies, and it's like we're attached at the hip, they say.
While I think it is a good idea for you to ask him why he feels that way, I do think that you need to come out to him. I think that Euler is dead on about sending him an email that explains that you are gay. I also wouldn't do it in person. I think that you need to come out to him because he seems to be very homophobic and I do not think that you should be exposing yourself to such a toxic situation, specially since you spend so much time with him. He will either accept you or he won't, but you need to stand up for yourself. Staying silent is NOT going to help the problem at all.
I decided to confront him about it. I didn't tell him that I was gay, I just told him that he makes me uncomfortable when he talks about other people like that especially when they can't help it(Started to get a little teary-eyed) . He felt so bad and apologized to me and told me that if he had known that it made me uncomfortable he would've never said anything. He seemed genuinely sorry. I think he might suspect that I'm gay because he told me that he would think no different of me no matter what, that nothing would change our friendship, and that he could talk to me about anything. In all honesty I was surprised by his reaction I thought this would end badly. I do plan on telling him but I'm not really if I am really gay or bi. I just wanted to be sure and wait for the right time
Well that ended nicely. He sounded wayyyy to homophobic to be actually one. I understand your reasons for not coming out yet. The reason why I'm not out is because I don't really know what my status is. It would be super awkward if I took a label and then found out I was wrong and would have to come out again. I'm pretty sure most of my friends think I'm gay but I couldn't really care less. None of them has the courage to ask directly though although there has been a lot of hinting going on. I just play dumb.
