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Starting relationship with guy with Autism

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ECMWF DR, Mar 17, 2016.

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  1. ECMWF DR

    ECMWF DR
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    Hello everyone,

    I've been reading the forums on Empty Closets for quite some time and have finally worked up the courage to talk about my experiences.

    I apologize in advance if this gets a little long but I want to give sufficient background info. I came out last year after years of struggling to accept my sexuality. At first, it was only to a few friends but in time most of my friends are now aware that I am gay. Last September, I started trying out online dating and to my surprise I quickly found a guy that I started messaging back and forth with frequently. I will call him L. L is a great guy but he surprised me with the fact that he was diagnosed with autism. He was worried I wouldn't want to date him or talk to him anymore because of his condition. I assured him that wasn't the case at all. Since then we have either texted, talked on the phone, or video-chatted every single day. We seemed to be getting very close to each other. Unfortunately, L lives a distance away and work and family obligations have made it near impossible to go visit him as is also the case with L. Nevertheless, for a few months, I was getting excited because it looked like that I was going to finally have a real relationship with someone even if it was a long-distance one.

    But since the beginning of the year L has seemingly put me in the "friend zone" and claims that he's not looking for a boyfriend now. He thinks I am growing too attached to him and that we should remain friends for longer. However, he still frequently tells me how I'm his only friend, I'm the only guy that's ever been nice to him, sending each other flirty texts, how he wants to meet up and probably have sex, etc. He also reacted negatively when I went on a date with another guy this past weekend. He has been having a difficult time with school, with family, lack and friends, job prospects, all probably compounded by his autism, so I don't know if he just has high stress levels and doesn't want to think about being boyfriends for the moment.

    I really care for L and I want him to be happy. He is literally the sweetest guy ever and I just find his goofy and funny personality so attractive and despite his low self esteem about his looks, I think he is one of the most handsome guys ever. However, sometimes he can go on and on about his interests and not give me a chance or seem disinterested in my own interests.

    Has anyone ever on here dated or was in a relationship with a person with autism before? Any advice?

    But I guess my main question is whether I should continue trying to push for an eventual relationship with L. He sometimes doesn't seem interested but he has had hookups in the past and has been treated horribly by those guys and has expressed concern I would act the same way. Is he just worried that I would abandon him? I really don't know what to do. I am striving for a relationship with someone but I don't want to miss an opportunity with L.
     
    #1 ECMWF DR, Mar 17, 2016
  2. Soillse

    Soillse
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    The best thing you can do with someone with autism (or other neurological disorders) is to be very clear about your feelings and ask direct questions. If you want to know where you stand, ask him, and accept him answer. As a fellow neurodivergent, I can tell you that we don't do well with subtlety.
     
    #2 Soillse, Mar 20, 2016
  3. Inky

    Inky
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    I feel EXACTLY the same about my boyfriend, who, like L, happens to have autism. Personally, it doesn't affect our relationship in any way. In fact, if he had not told me about it I wouldn't have ever known because he's the kindest, funniest and most loving person I've ever met. I think its fascinating, the condition I mean. Ultimately to me, it's just another aspect of him which I whole-heartedly embrace.

    In your case, however, I don't so much think it's a matter of L's condition but rather his decision to not be in a relationship at the moment. This could be anyone, really, who chooses to make this decision. Have you expressed your desire to be in a relationship with him? And by that I mean do you feel as if you have fully expressed to him how you feel about him and you in a relationship together? If the answer is yes, my advise to you is to give him time, and, if you truly feel strongly about him, give him a chance (by waiting for him). In the mean time, you should maybe try to offer him compassion and support with the trauma he faced in his past experiences. Not only will it help him emotionally, but I believe it'll strengthen the bond between you two and establish the fact that you are different from the men he had dated in the past.
     
    #3 Inky, Mar 22, 2016
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