I'm scared, I feel a little bit hopeless, and I need your advice

During my sophomore year of high school I came out to my mom as gay. I lived in the US at the time. Her reaction was disbelief, laughter, and then anger. She said my friends turned me gay and blamed the educational system of the United States. She argued that no one in Japan is gay and that Americans are too abnormal. She told me that if I came out publicly my brothers and sisters will stay away from me in disgust and that my grandparents, my mother's side, who love me so dearly, will have a heart attack and die. All my fault.

My father told me that I was too young to know (I was 15 at the time). He argued that he would be more accepting if I came out at a later age. He confirmed to me that he believed that it would be better to stay alone rather than come out as gay. He didn't want me to "focus" and "narrow" myself to being gay. He told me that his first reaction to my coming out was that I had to see a therapist. I told him that I wanted to move to San Francisco when I grow up cuz it seemed secure there. He freaked out.

After my sophomore year was over my parents had me change schools by moving to a different city halfway across the state. They said that it was for my own benefit. My mother blamed me for all the stress of moving, saying that I'm "making her do all this". They told me specifically not to come out to anyone in my new school and to focus on making large groups of friends with guys. In my last school, my close friends were a group of girls. My dad referred to them as the "gay support group" a bit negatively.

A bit of background - my mom is from Japan and my father is from the states. My mother takes the extra effort to take care of me - for example, making healthy food for dinner, telling me to brush my teeth everyday, etc. My mother is also a bit strict. My father on the other hand is loose, and is very lenient when it came to teenage privileges. However, if my father and my mother argue, my father is usually the one to apologize and say sorry. My mom constantly argues that my father is too lenient.

Before I moved my mom stalked the facebook page of one of my friend's. That friend was a girl. That is how my parents found about my close group of friends that are girls. I lied about my close group as guys. My friend's mom called my dad about the whole facebook stalk thing. I don't know what heartbreaking story my dad told her, but that mom cried.

My mom also tried to compromise with me, saying that I could come out after she died. So when I'm like 70 maybe.

When my Junior year started at my new high school my dad told me he wanted me to experiment. He wanted me to date and dump many girls. And try to touch some booby or something. I didn't. I also didn't come out to anyone in my school, except the leader of the Gay-Straight alliance of the school. I told him that I felt troubled. He put me with the counselor of the new school. I didn't say much because it felt awkward.

My mom talked about how if I stayed in my last place her friends would find out about me being gay because I already told some of my friends and they would gossip behind my back. I told her that if she was so afraid then I would change my name in the future so that her friends won't find out. She hit my face and called me horrible for wanting to "leave the family". She talked about how I wanted to "punish" her for something she did in the past and cried. She yelled that it was unfair that my dad wasn't home at the time to team with her. She tried to call my grandma in front of me to tell her I was gay but luckily my grandma didn't answer her phone.

Later my mom hugged me to tell me that she loved me. She made it clear that I wouldn't be supported by the family or in college if I came out though.

My dad got accepted at a job in Japan so the family moved again before halfway through my Junior year. This new school in Japan is small. It is an English school. The school is a bit more cliquey, and more homophobic. Friendships are more "fun" but less intimate. I am out to my close friends though (it is my Junior year right now).

I asked my mom if we moved to Japan because I told her I was gay. She said no. She said that it was to stay close to her parents, my grandparents, because their time is getting shorter.

Whenever something gay is depicted on television my mom makes it clear of her disgust. She also confirmed to me about her hate to gay people.

In a year I'll be graduating and I'll have more freedom with college. However, my parents have a lot of money and it's assumed that I'll be reliant on that during college. My mom told me that I wouldn't be supported in college if I came out. They are also forcing me to take a college in Japan, Waseda specifically.

Honestly, I want to take a college in the states... I feel more comfortable there. I feel that my friendships are more intimate there and that I can be happy there. I also feel that if I were to come out, the states are the best choice compared to Japan. Honestly, after I've been made to change schools, I started to care less about things. I deleted everything on my Instagram page (swiped away all my old friend) because I felt that people here in Japan are judgmental especially with a guy hanging with girls.

I also want to start writing on Amazon and vlog on Youtube. But If I start acting like myself and I tell people about my writing or vlogs, I'll be outcasted in my school because it could be seen as weird. Honestly, I feel like I can't be anything here in Japan in fear of being outcasted.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I want to move to the states after my high school immediately but that means somehow raising a bunch of money myself and applying for that college behind my parents' backs. And then if I do that my my mom will probably tell my grandparents of me being gay and I can actually imagine them having a heart attack. My parents said that I can leave Japan after 2 years, but I will be withdrawn support if I came out! I can physically stay for 2 years, but I feel like I would go insane. I feel like I can't be myself till I choose my own college and be myself. But at that cost my grandparents will be shocked in their last years of their life. I know that my mom will tell them if I come out, because she said that I would be "forcing her to".

So I want your advice on this situation, just any help or insight. Especially with the thing with college. What's the best route? =x

Am I making sense? I dunno. It's past my bedtime =P Thanks for reading and goodnight <3