I recently broke up with my 10 month first boyfriend. I believe I still have a strong feeling for him, because I genuinely think this is the best decision for him to get better and for me too in the psychological sense. He has a very strong and potentially sick controlling behaviour.You can find the whole story here:http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/206686-he-loves-me-i-dont-love-him.html Recently, we have been on a "in-between" dilema to stay or break it for good. This ended this Friday after I hanged out with him and his ex. All went well until he pressed me to discuss our relationship in a totally inappropriate occasion and we fought because of this. We mutually decided to end it for good after we talked about it from our homes. I found his ex's contact on social media and messaged him apologising about what happened. Incidentally, we had a conversation, where he gave me lots of advice, showing he cared about me and my then ex bf, despite being unknown to me. He also told me D (my now ex) displayed the same controlling behaviour with him, and that they broke up because of this too. During our hang out (we sent to an anime convention) I tried to stay away from A (my ex's ex) because I felt attracted to him, and that made me feel terrible because of the context I'm currently on. I still feel bad about this :/. After having those conversations with him, specially because I felt they were mutually suggestive, I Feel even more tempted to pursue these thoughts. A seems to be an understanding type of guy, one that brings comfort and not imprisonment, like D has been bringing me. the way A spoke with me made me feel just that, comfort, friendship. Someone you'd want to be with. Now I know I'm in no position to make moves. I'm mentally unsuited to pursue anything remotely romantic. And this recent break up, the fact that A is D's ex and now they are friends, and by this I highlight A is one of D's few friends, make up the fact that, logically, pursuing any thoughts about making a move on A is a waste of time since it would be impossible for us to get intimate given the context. This hurts to think about. Even thought I love D, as a person I really care about, I feel imprisoned even after breaking up with him, because this someone I found interesting is just his ex, and I can't accept the fact that I "moved on" so quickly. I'm a terrible person because of a this? An asshole?
Don't feel guilty of your feelings and emotions. By very definition they are not something that you could suddenly influence just by a conscious choice. However, having said that I would advice you to take extreme caution with your ex's ex. You are now mentally in a state where almost any guy who is nice to you and shows some interest in you would make you fall for them. I don't know if he is interested in you that way but even if he was hooking up with him would be extremely bad idea. If you made a move it would almost certainly cost you your friendship with your ex hurting him really badly. And if the ex's ex agreed to hook up with you it would cost him his friendship with your ex. You are all out so just go meet new people. You are bound to find someone if you just put a little effort. Keep a good distance to your ex for a while so that both of you have the time to process your break up. BTW, has he done anything to get help for his controlling behavior?
I will do just that. Wait a good while, let things settle. Then, perhaps, maybe I could pursue my feelings towards A? I don't want to get anything remotely serious, I just want to meet people. Although I'm an individualistic introvert, I need a friendly shoulder from time to time :/ and A seems to be that kind of guy. Yes, D has been getting therapy sessions, and A told me they had several conversations about his behavior. During those, A told me he was very surly with his advices regarding D's behavior since he knows he is just repeating that once again, this time with me. A said that, despite everything, D doesn't seem to listen, and doesn't seem to want to change. D did leave me "breathe" for a while, but as soon as everything seemed "back to normal" (his words) he started to display aggressive controlling behavior once again, like, asking me "why I didn't call him as soon as I was up in the morning". Sincerely, I think we can't be remotely together, we really must break up for real in order for him to work these issues. I wonder if therapy is doing him any good :/.
My personal opinion is that if you wish to preserve your friendship with D, you cannot get involved with in any romantic or sexual manner. However, it is a free country and you are free to do what you want. Wait a month or two and then ask yourself are you still interested in A and then decide what to do. About D's behavior. You need to put a stop to it immediately. You are no longer dating him although you remain friends. He needs to understand that he cannot behave with you as if you guys were still dating. When ever he crosses a boundary stop him and tell him that he needs to stop. If he has been to a therapy just a couple of times so far it's unlikely that you would see any difference so soon. It might take months before there is any visible change.
