Hello all, this is my first post here but i've been lurking the forum for a while ever since I found myself in this situation. A little bit of background: My name's Ben and I'm 21, bisexual and not out to my friend. My friend, we'll call him James, is also 21 and straight. The both of us are on a year abroad at a foreign university as part of our degree. We study at separate colleges back in our respective countries. I am not out to James, although he has mentioned (on numerous occasions) that he thought I was gay when we first met. During the first semester, we hung out like regular pals. We slowly got closer as time passed, but as soon as he got a girlfriend we kind of stopped talking. Over the holidays, he started messaging me regularly and I found out that he and his girlfriend broke up. Now I've never been sexually attracted to James, but here is where things start to get interesting. During the second semester, we started to grow really, really close. We're neighbours, and we share a flat together so his dorm is opposite mine. We message each other every day, always asking for the other person etc. As the semester progressed, he would start to get more playful with me and make more romantic jokes about us being together in front of our friends. Whenever our friend group plans an outing, he usually asks me whether I'm going before making his decision. A couple of weeks went by where we just generally kept our playful flirting going, and we were travelling to the Caribbean for spring break. This is where I really started to fall for him. We spent almost the whole holiday together, and even others started to notice how close we were getting. I noticed that he was always interested in hanging out with me. We even became each other's valentines, and he let me know that I "made" his birthday (which we spent together). He's really thoughtful, and always thinking of me (i.e. he would say stuff like "Oh no we can't do that cos Ben has asthma" or warn me about slippery roads - I know its not much but like really small, cute, thoughtful things like that, and only for me). During that holiday he spent a few days in another city with another friend, and I missed him real bad. When we saw each other again a couple of days later we told each other how much we missed the other and spent a while just hugging on the beach (other people were there so it wasn't exactly that intimate). After we got back our friendship pretty much resumed, but he'd regularly tell me how much he likes me and that we're really good friends. After a family emergency I had to go home for a few days (which is half way across the world, so I was gone for the week). While I was away he keeps messaging me telling me how much he misses me, that he was using this as practice for next year and that he cant bear to be without me. Ultimately, he does a lot of really thoughtful things like finishing my sentences , or being really defensive when people make fun of me , always letting me know that he's there if I ever need a friend etc. I also notice that at parties he pretty much only wants to talk to me. I can just tell (as others can) that he's really fond of me. I'm also not looking for a sexual relationship with him, he's not my type at all and I don't think he's necessarily bisexual either. But I do think he might be in love with me. He's super clever and really tolerant (of every kind of person) so there might be a possibility of something being there. My main concern is either ruining the relationship, or allowing myself to continue to fall for him bad because I've been away from him for a couple of days and it really hurts. After this year we won't study together and we live in different countries. I'm really playful as a person so I could easily try and take it to the next level by flirting a little harder. I just dunno if he'd be interested. When I tell him about the girls I get with he doesn't exactly seem jealous or even interested. He just calls me a player and moves on. I really like him, and ultimately just want to see if there's anything there so we can take it further before the year's out. Thoughts? TL;DR: straight guy who is super fond of me and I just don't know why - is he in love with me?
Hmm that might be a good plan. Flirt with him a bit harder to see if anything else goes from there. Then maybe you can find out more or try to low key ask him if he was gay or bi himself. It would be a shame if there were feelings between you guys and then the year was up. It would be a regretful thought...anyway good luck!
Regardless of whether the feeling is romantic/sexual or not, it's definitely intense and special. If you say he is open minded and not homophobic, then I would definitely try to see if there's a way to take this further. Like Pinky says, it would be regretful in the case of you two being in love with each other and don't do anything about it.
You won't know until you ask ... but chances are that will take some time. So, what is holding you back from saying you're bisexual? If he rejects you, it's his loss because you two probably won't see each other anymore. If he accepts you, then he knows you're into guys. Besides coming out to him, you should ask yourself what do you really want from taking the friendship to another level (and the romantic flirting involved). You speak highly of him, but you say he's not your type at least sexually. Then, you need to be very careful about leading him on, assuming he does like you as more than a friend.
Agree with resu. You're falling for him but he's not your type... so is he so not your type that a romantic/sexual relationship would be out of the question? If so then you need to be very clear with him. Or is he not your usual type but you would...? How do you react when you think about say, kissing him? A shiver of repulsion means you should probably be a bit more cautious with your flirting as it's not fair in case he is interested in you. If it's a nice thought, then raise it with him. You guys seem unusually close. Tell him you're bi. Then see how he reacts.
Update for people who have posted or for new people alike: the year finished and it kind of ended badly. We went travelling across the world with two other friends of ours at the end of the semester. He suddenly got REALLY cold with me over a stupid argument we had, and wouldn't even talk to me for about half the trip. When it came towards the end we both kind of buried our pride and we resumed being each other's friends... It was sad saying bye to each other, but I think we both expected more emotion from the other. Now we're both in our respective cities and we hardly talk to each other. I've tried initiating conversation a few times, but he takes long to reply, and although he doesn't reply in a cold way its obvious that he sees my message and chooses not to reply for a while. It's weird going from speaking/seeing each other every single day to hardly talking. I've decided to give him some space for whatever reason, but I've got plans to confront him if/when he decided to strike up a conversation with me again. All in all it's been quite a disappointing end, do any of you have any inklings as to why he might have soured with me? We hardly talk and that's definitely out of the ordinary for us. I'm not ready to give up on the friendship but we did have a good run...
It might be a defense mechanism. That, or he really is that immature. I think it's the former though.
Ask yourself why are you wanting to rekindle this. It's hard, but many friendships don't last forever, ideally ending amicably. If you feel this stopped too soon, then tell him about it. If you were interested in romance, maybe you should be more obvious you are still interested in him. What do you have to lose? He could ignore you, but that's his choice to close the door.
I think that he is interested in more and he may also just not know how he feels but is certain that he needs you in his life. As for the flirting and trying to see how he feels maybe mention a male celebrity and playfully say something like "I would totally date him" to see what kind of response you get or maybe express a liking toward a gay celebrity... I'm female and I do this with females so this might not have the same results or be the best way to figure everything out but since you aren't out to your friend it might lead to a talk about sexuality. Just be honest and if he isn't interested then at least you will have had a meaningful conversation with your best friend that could bring you closer. Good luck and sorry if my advice sucks! -Ky
So he keeps sending me little messages here and there but I keep giving him the cold shoulder and I think he's starting to notice. I just can't get over how rude he was to me on the road trip even though things kind of smoothed over, I feel like I didn't get proper closure on the issue. I guess I'm asking for you guys' advice on whether I should keep giving him the cold shoulder till he notices something's up, or straight out tell him why I'm upset. Our last conversation was two days ago, he asked me how my life was and I replied so bluntly he didn't even reply my message (and I don't really blame him). If I give him the cold shoulder, I risk pushing him away for good which I definitely don't want (he's slightly introverted and can get sensitive at times). However, if I message him and tell him exactly how I feel I'm worried he freaks out and thinks I'm in love with him. Help. Please. PS Thank you guys for all your comments so far, I appreciate every response and take every opinion into account! This means a lot to me.
Hey promethazine, I really dont think you should keep giving him the cold shoulder. Youve described how close the two of you were and how he looked after you and cared for you. I dont think you should give up on this great friendship because he was rude to you. Just really sit down and run that through your head and really think about all the loving things that he has done for you that no one else has ever before. And really think! Go ahead, ill wait.... Oh your back. Hi, lol. Now after that, think about the idea of ending what you had because on one occasion he wasnt himself, he acted like a dick, just like alot of people. You should talk to him. The only way you will feel any form of resolution is if you talk to him. Tell him how he made you feel. Explain to him ( if your comfortable) that your bi and was starting to develop feelings for him so you felt more hurt than you maybe should have. And apologize for being cold, tell him your sorry that you reacted the way you did and that you miss the relationship you guys used to have. Well thats my 2 cents. Good luck! Hope theres not too many typos, wrote this on my cell phone
I entirely agree with onlythebulls. Giving him the cold shoulder does nothing for either one of you. I think talking to him about your feelings could potentially give you closure. Maybe he is going through the same conflict as well. I've read many times when some other poster will mention how they regret not taking action in these moments, as they are left to wonder what would've been. Don't let that happen to you with James. It seems like a very special connection you two have.
The thing is, I'm not sure I want a romantic relationship with him, and I don't think he does either. Being in a foreign country alone is hard, and I think we were support systems for each other, and we still got quite intimate. I'd be happy to take it to the next level, but it's not what I'm aiming for. I just want our friendship back. Now it's been a few days since we've last spoken. Should I just strike up a conversation about something random, hope it leads to me telling him how I feel or flat out tell him I have a problem? He usually does this up and down thing where he gets a bit iffy with me for a couple of days (but I think that's just him being introverted by nature, I don't let it get in the way of the friendship), so I think it's a delicate situation. My biggest regret is not airing the conversation out completely when I was with him. I spoke to him about us not getting along, and I ended up apologising for the petty argument without mentioning how he overreacted and upset me. I don't know how to just get closure on this issue and move along with our friendship, cos it really is special.
This sounds very similar to a story someone wrote to me about awhile back. It was about a very close friendship that developed, in an academic program years ago. The other person left the program, and they lost touch with each other for over 30 years. Recently, they reconnected. I'd say, don't let this happen to you. It's time for you to have a deep talk with your friend, before you go your separate ways. It should happen soon. This may be especially fruitful, as you say he is not your type so you may not be attracted to him in a sexual way. I'm not quite sure where you start, but one starting topic would be for you to explain the impact he's had on your life. You may also want to open up about your own sexual orientation somewhere in there. He obviously cares about you, if just as a very close friend (or, perhaps, as more than that). Whatever it is, since this situation is extremely rare in the male world of any orientation, I think you should treat it with utmost seriousness. It could very well be that you will value this relationship beyond your imagination today, in a decade or two. It would be great, if it still existed and unlike my correspondent you don't have to wait for a message to appear on your answering machine 30+ years from now, eh? At this point you have little to lose, and much to gain, from opening up the communication rather than closing it down.
I think you need to talk to him about your friendship and the recent conflicts. You guys are now living in different countries, so if neither of you swallows your pride then you're going to drift apart past the point of no return. It's possible that he won't react well, but what do you have to lose at this point? You're already barely speaking. You don't have to bring up the romance aspect of things at this stage. Start by working on your friendship. Out of curiosity, what was your argument about? How did it all go down? I'm wondering whether there are some clues there that you might be missing.
So, the petty argument was based on the situation when we went on a road trip. We were trying to organise flights for the next day and instead of helping out I decided to go ahead and take a nap (I get it, my bad). So this apparently pissed him off to no end and he gave me the cold shoulder for like 2 weeks. Although, I did sense some hostility from him BEFORE that actually happened, so I'm not sure if his reasoning for being cold with me actually stemmed from that or not. When I confronted him about it at the end of the trip, he said that the car thing was his reason so I just apologised and moved on (I regret this - I feel like I should have pressed him about this issue further). I did however take the majority of the advice given, I struck up a conversation with James about a TV show we both watch, but I didn't mention my frustration with him. My plan is that, now that he thinks I'm not giving him the cold shoulder any more, I can bring up my frustration the next time he talks to me (I'll hold off contact till he messages me first) and it'll seem calmer and less intense.
