Help me to come to forgiveness with my heartbreak for as my BF came out as gay

I would first like to thank anyone who replies to this thread. Let me starboff by saying I support the LGBTQ community my best friend is a part of it. However this situation has me confused, hurt, angry. I want to understand my feelings and well and his. There Isnt very much support out here for people in m situation. So I decided to take to this community for some better understanding and working towards forgiveness. Here is he story: Me and S met seven years ago at work we became best friends and then we added sex/dating. Both work for the police department, even though there wasn￿t a title per say, we portrayed ourselves as dating to all our mutual friends. We been to Mexico, Bahamas Vegas many times. If you saw me you saw him basically. We had two best friends who happen to a married couple we always hung out with. We went to Mexico with them to celebrate the anniversary and such. All of our mutual coworkers even though they don￿t know it is basically either wished or wanted it to be. 2 years ago he moved to a new squad.. He was then under a new sgt. G I hadnt met G yet when me and S went to Mexico for the second time in 2014 S called up to my coworkers asking who I was where was I gone for that week?, was I with S etc, no one gave him an answer. He then proceeded to text me asking if we wanted to go to a concert I told him I would see once I got back and would ask S. He said ￿well isn￿t S right beside you￿ hindsight I realize now probably manipulated me. Once S returned from Mexico G his supervisor decided to get a cake with a picture of me and him on it with the words ￿congrats on your engagement., and presented to S in front of his whole quad proceceed to call him a &twink& which I know know what it means. S never told me about the cake knowing it would piss me off. G came up to meet me and he told me, and laughed. Fast forward I then began to hang out with S and his work friends often mostly including G. We would go on trips and such me and S always stayed in the room together. G would ask questions and such were we together etc. I expressed my feelings for S though *I never confirmed or denied. *Due to my lack out trust and still remembering the cake incident. I say this so you can understand why I can￿t believe G would say never knew there was more than a friendship between me and S I found out he would make jokes amongst his squad about me and S. He would ask and S wouldn￿t answer because we had discussed it I said no not yet. *Time goes on we all continue to hang out I begin to trust G all while me and Shawn continue to do our thing. **Me and Ss mutual friends don￿t like G not many people do. I would defend G to them. G has a way of being an asshole. Here recently I began to see they spent a lot of time together and me and S hadn￿t been intimate for a while. S, G and I became this little clique you can say. I really began to think of G as a really good friend. Fast forward to now after some distance between us, they began to hang out more and more. They went on a cruise together, G would ask me to go but I declined I had to work. S text me asking did I order them some chocolate covered strawberries I said no. Now of course I know it was G. Once they got back, Greg bought me a picture they took together up to my job. S began to distance himself from me. I had my suspicions of G being gay after our trip to New York. While we were in New York S slept in the bed with me the 1st night. G must￿ve gotten upset cause he abruptly got up and left the room in the middle of the night. I kept saying to S we needed to get dressed and go find him, but S said no. G came back and pretended to be drunk. I had begun to express me feelings to G that I felt something was off, he then told S that we needed to sit and talk so we went to dinner I came out and asked the question S he then told me ￿he didn￿t know but they had been spending time together and it had been going on for a year

I feel betrayed and deceived, by both of them. When he told me he said he was sorry he cried and said he didn't want to lose me in his life. He understood if I couldn't be friends with G and he wouldn't hate me for it. He said G doesn't replace me it's just different. He asked me not to hate him, he knows I'm hurt and didn't meant to hurt me. That G doesn't replace me he want me in his life. I'm the only one he told no one knows he doesn't want anyone to know. Especially cause where we work full of *alpha males not to mention all of our mutual friends look at us as a couple. *I hear from G the he has found the love of his life, and he can understand why I'm hurt but it's not like S and I were in a relationship like they are. S would *met up daily at 1st when 1st found out. *

When I went to confront G, he started crying then immediately stopped crying. Saying he can't helped how they fell so much in love and such. Then preceded to tell me how S snores and the picture he has framed of them in his room. Like come on dude I just found out you were sleeping with the same man I was in love with. He said I don't understand how you can be upset because you all never had a title. When I talked to G he stated he had no idea it was history there that we had been more than friends. Which I know that's a fucking lie. To me there is no way he didn't know. Now come on how in the hell you didn't know that you went fishing for that in the beginning. Even if I didn't tell you, there were times when we would all be together and I'd say something like &S why won't give it to me, or etc& in my mind knowing we were already doing it. And G would sit there and instigate it like & S why wouldn't you & knowing in his mind when I get out the car he is going to have him all to himself.

G found out that me and S were intimate when they were doing their thing it was only one time. He didn't say anything to me at 1st then once I left. He calls me and tells me to check on S because he was upset that S didn't tell me no because they were seeing each other. So he had said something to S and S was crying so he wanted me to check on him. *Wtf you mean he should've told me no. Really? *G has stated to me how Shawn takes to long to &finish& during sex, and he was going to ask me for some blow job tips. G said I want you and S to be okay I want you to hate me. I will not keep S from you. I want you and him to still go to Mexico with your friends. That can't happen that where me and Shawn 1st had sex and our friends are a married couple. G would say things to me like all my friendships go bad because the a common denominator is him. He had kicked everyone out including me to get to S, is what it feels like. All the friends we used to hang out with they all distance themselves because of G. I hear from G the he has found the love of his life, and he can understand why I'm hurt but it's not like my and S were in a relationship like they are. S tells me he needed me more now than ever before? Wth does that even mean. They both expect me to just keep quiet and not say a thing to anyone so I'm suppose to just keep to myself, while they go off and be happy go lucky. Last time I seen S, he said they decided they will never tell anyone. He invited me over to his house which was so awkward I told him I felt uncomfortable. I was sitting on the same couch me and him had sex where now he and G have sex. Then he shows me this picture he hung up in his bedroom of me him and G together. Wth!! He said you can text call me whenever, we can hang out. Time goes by and S texts get less and less, I don't reach out either.G completely stops communication yet still wanted me to go out with them to places. Christmas comes and I hadnt heard from either of them in a while. S hits me up saying he got me a Christmas gift I meet him and its a book that reminded me of the trip we took with G. Then he shows me videos of a trip they took why? I was so hurt for my birthday I got a text that was it nothing else. For his bday even after I found out I still as always got him something. I started to then realize the only reason he was nice to me was because he wanted me to keep his secret. I didn't have anyone to talk to I told my mom and my closet friends who also had grown to see me and s as a couple. They loved him as well as I. They didn't treat him any different eventhough they began to notice his change. It has been 9 months since the day I found out, I'm still hurt. Here lately his secret got out not due to me or our friends people were talking about it for a while unbnownst to me. G was putting him in or awards and such they were taking trips together and working for the police department it is against policy for a sergant to date his subordinate. *Now I know thats the reason he wanted me to keep his secret he only pretended to need me. That hurts me so bad. G ended up having to get moved to another shift and of course they wanted to blame me. S even called me a narcissist had me thinking I was but I wasn't the one that told. G had made a comment reference to something another officer was doing and that officer called him out on what he was doing. I want to heal so bad, I feel like he is making me out to be the one who was this horrible person. I did and tried to make him happy I gave myself to him to just drop me. Help me

 

Ok I can do that

 

Here is a better written .....

Me and Shawn met seven years ago at work we became best friends and then we added sex/dating. Both work for the police department, even though there wasn't a title per say, we portrayed ourselves as dating to all our mutual friends. We been to Mexico, Bahamas Vegas many times. If you saw me you saw him basically. We had two best friends who happen to a married couple we always hung out with. We went to Mexico with them to celebrate the anniversary and such. All of our mutual coworkers even though they don't know it is basically either wished or wanted it to be.

2 years ago he moved to a new squad.. He was then under a new sgt. Greg, I hadn't met Greg yet when me and Shawn went to Mexico for the second time in 2014 Shawn called up to my coworkers asking who I was where was I gone for that week?, was I with Shawn etc, no one gave him an answer. He then proceeded to text me asking if we wanted to go to a concert I told him I would see once I got back and would ask Shawn. He said &well isn't Shawn right beside you& hindsight I realize now probably manipulated me.

Once Shawn returned from Mexico Greg his supervisor decided to get a cake with a picture of me and him on it with the words &congrats on your engagement& and presented to S in front of his whole quad proceceed to call him a &twink& which I know know what it means. Shawn never told me about the cake knowing it would piss me off. Greg came up to meet me and he told me, and laughed.

Fast forward I then began to hang out with Shawn and his work friends often mostly including Greg. We would go on trips and such me and Shawn always stayed in the room together. Greg would ask questions and such were we together etc. I expressed my feelings for Shawn though I never confirmed or denied. Due to my lack out trust and still remembering the cake incident. I say this so you can understand why I can't believe Greg would say never knew there was more than a friendship between me and Shawn.

I found out he would make jokes amongst his squad about me and Shawn. He would ask and Shawn wouldn't answer because we had discussed it I said no not yet. Time goes on we all continue to hang out I begin to trust Greg all while me and Shawn continue to do our thing. Me and Shawn's mutual friends don't like Greg not many people do. I would defend Greg to them. Greg has a way of being an asshole though I try to see the best in people. *Here recently I began to see they spent a lot of time together and me and Shawn hadn't been intimate for a while. Shawn, Greg and I became this little clique you can say. I really began to think of Greg as a really good friend.

Fast forward to now after some distance between us, they began to hang out more and more. They went on a cruise together, Greg would ask me to go but I declined I had to work. Shawn text me asking did I order them some chocolate covered strawberries I said no. Now of course I know it was Greg. Once they got back, Greg bought me a picture they took together up to my job. Shawn began to distance himself from me. I had my suspicions of Greg being gay after our trip to New York. While we were in New York Shawn slept in the bed with me the 1st night. Greg must've gotten upset cause he abruptly got up and left the room in the middle of the night. I kept saying to Shawn we needed to get dressed and go find him, but Shawn said no. Greg came back and pretended to be drunk.

I had begun to express me feelings to Greg that I felt something was off, he then told Shawn that we needed to sit and talk so we went to dinner I came out and asked the question Shawn he then told me &he didn't know but they had been spending time together and it had been going on for a year&

I feel betrayed and deceived, by both of them. When he told me he said he was sorry he cried and said he didn't want to lose me in his life. He understood if I couldn't be friends with Greg and he wouldn't hate me for it. He said Greg doesn't replace me it's just different. We met up daily at 1st when 1st found out. I was trying to be there for him, tried to just sweep away. Their actions though made it harder.

When I went to confront Greg, he started crying then immediately stopped crying. Saying he can't helped how they fell so much in love and such. Then preceded to tell me how Shawn snores and the picture he has framed of them in his room. Like come on dude I just found out you were sleeping with the same man I was in love with. He said I don't understand how you can be upset because you all never had a title. When I talked to Greg he stated he had no idea it was history there that we had been more than friends. Which I know that's a fucking lie. To me there is no way he didn't know. Now come on how in the hell you didn't know that you went fishing for that in the beginning. Even if I didn't tell you, there were times when we would all be together and I'd say something like & shawn why won't give it to me, or etc& in my mind knowing we were already doing it. And Greg would sit there and instigate it like & Shawn why wouldn't you & knowing in his mind when I get out the car he is going to have him all to himself.

Greg found out that me and shawn were intimate when they were doing their thing it was only one time. He didn't say anything to me at 1st then once I left. He calls me and tells me to check on Shawn because he was upset that Shawn didn't tell me no because they were seeing each other. So he had said something to Shawn and Shawn was crying so he wanted me to check on him. Wtf you mean he should've told me no. Really? Greg has stated to me how Shawn takes to long to &finish& during sex, and he was going to ask me for some blow job tips. Why would you tell me that, knowing i just found out the man I loved loved was gay?

Greg said I want you and Shawn to be okay I want you to hate me. I will not keep Shawn from you. I want you and him to still go to Mexico with your friends. That can't happen that where me and Shawn 1st had sex and our friends are a married couple. Greg would say things to me like all my friendships go bad because the a common denominator is him. He had kicked everyone out including me to get to Shawn, is what it feels like. I hear from Greg the he has found the love of his life, and he can understand why I'm hurt but it's not like my and Shawn were in a relationship like they are. Shawn tells me he needs me more now than ever before? Wth does that even mean. They both expect me to just keep quiet and not say a thing to anyone so I'm suppose to just keep to myself, while they go off and be happy go lucky.

Last time I talked to Shawn he invited me over to his house which was so awkward I told him I felt uncomfortable. I was sitting on the same couch me and him had sex where now he and Greg have sex. Then he shows me this picture he hung up in his bedroom of me him and Greg together. Wth!! He said you can text call me whenever, we can hang out. Since then we have maybe hung out twice. We talk maybe once every 15 days.

Time goes by and Shawn texts get less and less, I don't reach out either. Greg completely stops communication yet still wanted me to go out with them to places. Christmas comes and I hadnt heard from either of them in a while. Shawn hits me up saying he got me a Christmas gift I meet him and its a book that reminded me of the trip to New York we took with Greg. Then he shows me videos of a trip they took why? I was so hurt for my birthday I got a text that was it nothing else. For his bday even after I found out I still as always got him something. He is always the one to reach out to me which I feel bad about but I don't know what to say to him and if he doesn't reply I'd be mad. I feel guilty like I should be more accepting but it hard to be when I feel so used. I feel like Greg used me to get to Shawn. I saw Greg last week at work he didn't speak and neither did I. I cried afterwards.

I started to then realize the only reason he was nice to me was because he wanted me to keep his secret. I didn't have anyone to talk to I told my mom and my closet friends who also had grown to see me and Shawn as a couple. They loved him as well as I. They didn't treat him any different eventhough they began to notice his change. It has been 9 months since the day I found out, I'm still hurt. Here lately his secret got out not due to me or our friends people were talking about it for a while unbnownst to me. Greg was putting him in or awards and such they were taking trips together and working for the police department it is against policy for a sergant to date his subordinate. *Now I know thats the reason he wanted me to keep his secret he only pretended to need me. That hurts me so bad.

Greg ended up having to get moved to another shift and of course they wanted to blame me. Shawn even called me a narcissist had me thinking I was but I wasn't the one that told. Greg had made a comment reference to something another officer was doing and that officer called him out on what he was doing. I want to heal so bad, I feel like he is making me out to be the one who was this horrible person. I did and tried to make him happy I gave myself to him to just drop me. He seemed so concerned once it happen and said he'd be there he said you can to text me when ever but I can't I feel like I can it's respect for him and his man *Respect for them funny how I can have respect for them yet where was my respect *I'm sorry this is long.

 

Your right and I know it... It is just so hurtful and difficult.

 

Its like a death the person I knew died, but I pray. Thank you so much