1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Came out nearly 9 months ago...now what?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JRWpgx763, Mar 25, 2016.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. JRWpgx763

    JRWpgx763
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Louisville, KY
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello all. Must admit that I'm pretty happy to see this forum. So here's my story:

    I moved to Louisville back in 2011 for grad school. It was my first experience in a dorm since I lived at home during my undergrad. I was engaged at the time and got married in 2012. She moved up here with me that year and shortly after that, we grew distant from each other. We attempted to save our marriage through therapy, where I finally acknowledged my gay tendencies. We divorced in 2014, but maintain a very close friendship. I came out publicly last June and was floored with the support. As a musician, I was met with lots of warmth. At this point, though, I have two major problems.

    1) I'm confident in my orientation and getting more comfortable with myself everyday. I haven't, however, engaged in gay sex and don't know if I'd ever enjoy it. I find myself turned on when watching gay porn every once in a while, but I've never been in a relationship with another man. I'm in a sort of purgatory of fantasizing what a relationship would look like and feeling a too terrified to pursue one. I have lots of gay friends, colleagues, and even a gay pastor, but I feel quite disconnected with all of them.

    2) My best friend from HS was my best man at the wedding in 2012. A staunchly Fundamentalist Baptist, he didn't take to well to my coming out. He's avoided my phone calls and is clearly a homophobe at this point. While I am continually be told to let this situation go, it's difficult to be content with his silence. I'm bugged by the fact that he feels our relationship suffers because of my "decision" to be gay, but more so that he refuses to talk about our differences in opinion. The last thing I want to do is attack his religious upbringing, even if I can see the flaws.

    Help is appreciated.
     
    #1 JRWpgx763, Mar 25, 2016
  2. Closeteer

    Closeteer
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2014
    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Firstly, congratulations and well done on coming out :slight_smile: That's one of the most crucial steps. And now for the two cents:

    1) Could you maybe think about WHY you feel disconnected and/or unable to pursue a relationship? If you have gay friends and colleagues, it seems like secrecy/confidentiality shouldn't be an issue. Is it more a worry about taking "the leap of faith" that is required to pursue a relationship? It would be good to hear your views on that.
    From what you've written that's a completely understandable concern! If you have never been in a gay relationship you're bound to be undecided about gay sex. Again, a relationship is also so much more than just physicality. If you find a man you feel comfortable with and can be intimate with, you'll probably also develop sexual chemistry eventually. A lot of us are going through, or have gone through, a similar purgatory but: a) a relationship can take a long time to build and b) it may not be the cure-all you might be thinking it to be. But that shouldn't stop you from trying to find love - that's a basic human need!

    2) I'm sorry to hear about your friend's views :-( That can be intensely saddening when someone who's close to you cannot accept a fundamental part of who you are. Do you think writing to him might help? If so you could write a detailed yet concise account of how being gay is never a "choice" and is as simple as being born with green eyes or being born left-handed. Tell him that you would like to have him as part of your life seeing that you shared your childhood together but your (homo)sexuality is as inseparable a part of you as his (hetero)sexuality is.
    Religious debates honestly often go nowhere because you'll find yourself arguing against a thousand moments of church visits, family conversations, contrived interpretations and a ton of conditioning since childhood. For people who put their faith as an important component of their lives the merest idea that their religion could be "wrong" is anathema to them. And that just might make him more unwilling to listen to your assertions.
    A simple request to be friends and move beyond sexuality might be the best hope.

    I wish you the very best of luck :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Closeteer, Mar 25, 2016
  3. lemons123

    lemons123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2014
    Messages:
    548
    Likes Received:
    0
    OK, I'm not the best 'advice-giver' but from what I read:

    You're now out (congrats) and you want a relationship? In this case: Seeing how you're an American maybe try ******* or ******. I'd advice against craigslist as the place seems full of creeps.

    About your friend: Hmmm ignore him, like if I were you I'd keep some 'distance' and let it fade away.
     
    #3 lemons123, Mar 25, 2016
  4. JRWpgx763

    JRWpgx763
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Louisville, KY
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for the advice:

    I do have a plan to tackle number 1. I've reached out to the alumni LGBT group at my grad school. They've been welcoming, but it seems I may have to push a little harder to actually meet with people. I'm also in a fraternity, and about 40% of the chapter are also gay. I'm making plans to hang out with them as soon as possible. I laid the groundwork for that today during lunch and I think it was a good first step. I've also joined some LGBT friendly apps, one social, the other a dating app. Not much activity on those. As far as sex goes, the relationship must happen first, absolutely. I'm not staunchly religious, but I'm not comfortable experimenting with just anyone.

    As for question/issue number 2....that one sort of solved itself tonight, and not in the ideal way. My friend basically ended it tonight...his loss. It's amazing how someone so steeped in Fundamentalist Christian beliefs can forget how to be compassionate and understanding, yet remain fully convinced that the "choice" I made is the core cause of our disagreement.

    At any rate...I'm again very glad to see a forum like this. I'll be updating this along the way. Much appreciated, guys. Thanks.
     
    #4 JRWpgx763, Mar 25, 2016
  5. I'mStillStanding

    I'mStillStanding
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2016
    Messages:
    989
    Likes Received:
    382
    Location:
    East Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First welcome to EC. This place is amazing and your going to find a lot of support. Second, I find it hysterical that you used the word purgatory lol I just posted that on my thread then came here and read yours lol. Now I know you updated but I wanted to share a few thoughts, if I may:

    1) while accepting my sexuality and coming out, I've experienced this teenage hormone surge of some sort. Never have in my life and it's crazy. I can't do anything to act on it, not until everything is settled with the wife. But once that is handled, I'm looking forward to living as a gay man. I do agree with the relationship aspect first. I've been raised in church, so I have this very ideal view on sex. You share part of yourself with that person that they will carry forever. And then you carry part of them with you forever (weird I know). So I want to be with someone special. Definitely the first time. My wife has been my only sexual partner and we waited till out honeymoon. Then had very conservative (if that makes since) sex.

    2) I don't believe we can judge someone off of one bad choice. Your friend, was someone special. Hold on to your good memories, maybe take a step back. But if it was me, I'd be open to rebuild the friendship should he ever change his mind. It won't be the same, but that doesn't mean it can be awesome. I think of it like a house that once was beautiful and perfect, but in time became worn. When it reaches a point you can't repair it, then you can tear it down and rebuild. You ain'te have what you did, but it can be just as good if not better and most definitely stronger. Hope that makes since :slight_smile:
     
    #5 I'mStillStanding, Mar 26, 2016
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)